two vegans get married in new orleans

Take a vow.

2010-03-30T16:25:00.001-04:00

I posted this yesterday on the "family-friendly" wedding blog - I thought y'all would want to see it too. ;)

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We worked long and hard on our ceremony and vows, drawing from many sources, rewriting, and at times writing from scratch. Only a small handful of people got to hear them in person, so we thought it would be nice to share them with you all here in writing. We hope you enjoy.

Higher far,
Upward, into the pure realm,
Over sun or star,
Thou must mount for love.
Where unlike things are like,
When good and ill,
And joy and moan,
Melt into one -
There Past, Present, Future, shoot
Triple blossoms from one root.

There need no vows to bind
Whom not each other seek but find.
They give and take no pledge or oath,
Nature is the bond of both.

Not with scarfs or perfumed gloves
Do these celebrate their loves,
Not by jewels, feasts, and savors,
Not by ribbons or by favors,
But by the sun-spark on the sea,
And the cloud-shadow on the lea.

Is none so high, so mean is none,
But feels and seals this union.
The throbbing sea, the quaking earth,
Yield sympathy and signs of mirth;
Even the tell Furies are appeased,
The good applaud, the lost are eased.
Their cords of love so public are,
They intertwine the farthest star.

Dear family and friends: Today Jonathan and Melissa have invited you here to witness and celebrate the public declaration of the private commitment they have already made to one another. Let us support them with our hope, love, and respect.

Marriage is the promise of hope between two people who love each other sincerely, who honor each other as individuals, and who wish to unite their lives and share the future together. In this ceremony, they dedicate themselves to the happiness and well-being of each other in a union of mutual caring and responsibility.

As we gather here to join Jonathan and Melissa in marriage, it is fitting that you, their families and friends, be here to witness and to participate in their wedding - for the ideals, the understanding, and the mutual respect which they bring to their partnership are rooted in the love, friendship, support, and guidance you have given them.

Jonathan and Melissa have chosen to be joined in marriage on the vernal equinox, the first day of spring; a day when, in spirit, all things are equal. May the partnership that is solidified between them today be one governed by equality and balance, wherein the strengths of each of them will, together, form a more perfect whole. And like the new spring which awakens today, may their love grow ever stronger to weather the seasons of their life together.

Jonathan and Melissa, please face each other.

Jonathan, are you ready to enter into this marriage with Melissa, believing the love you share and your faith in each other will endure all things?

I am.

Melissa, are you ready to enter into this marriage with Jonathan, believing the love you share and your faith in each other will endure all things?

I am.

Will you please join your hands.

Jonathan, if it is your desire to become the husband of Melissa, then repeat these words to her:

I, Jonathan, take you, Melissa, to be my wedded wife and partner, to have and to hold, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish from this day forward. In this moment I promise to love you and care for you for all of our days. I accept you with your faults and with your strengths. I promise to support you when you need support, and to turn to you in times of need. I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life.

Jonathan, do you take this woman to be your wedded wife and partner in all things, to love her, comfort her, and honor her, and forsaking all others, keeping only unto her, for so long as you both shall live?

I do.

Melissa, if it is your desire to become the wife of Jonathan, then repeat these words to him:

I, Melissa, take you, Jonathan, to be my wedded husband and partner, to have and to hold, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish from this day forward. In this moment I promise to love you and care for you for all of our days. I accept you with your faults and with your strengths. I promise to support you when you need support, and to turn to you in times of need. I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life.

Melissa, do you take this man to be your wedded husband and partner in all things, to love him, comfort him, and honor him, and forsaking all others, keeping only unto him, for so long as you both shall live?

I do.

Do you have a rings that you wish to exchange?

We do.

A circle, having no beginning or end, is a symbol of infinity, eternity, and wholeness. These rings which you give and receive, then, will from this day forward represent the infinite, eternal, and complete love you will share as husband and wife.

Jonathan, please place the ring on Melissa's finger with the words:

With this ring, I thee wed.

Melissa, please place the ring on Jonathan's finger with the words:

With this ring I thee wed.

Let these rings be given and received as a symbol of your affection, sincerity and fidelity to one another. Jonathan and Melissa, please step forward to sign your marriage license.

Signing of marriage license - Melissa and Jonathan approach table and sign, followed by Josh and Monica who sign as witnesses. All four then return to their places in front.

We know not what the future may bring into the life of this couple, but together may they be equal to the needs of their tomorrows. May they have patience in times of strain, strength in times of weakness, courage in times of doubt, and above all, a growing love to sustain them.

Jonathan and Melissa, you have exchanged your promises, and given and received rings in my presence and in the presence of these witnesses, your families and friends. You have made your marriage legal in the eyes of the law. By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Jonathan, you may now kiss the bride.

Bee is for Breedlove. (What?)

2010-03-30T16:23:00.001-04:00

So it seems that when you get married, there are a few questions that EVERYONE IN THE WORLD simply must ask. There are two in particular that no one can resist.

1) Are you having kids? This is sometimes phrased as, "When are you having kids?" As if reproduction is not only something that everyone wants to do but is also something everyone is able to do. Trust me when I tell you that you don't want to get me started on this one. Jonathan and I have a variety of ways to rebuff this inquiry, more or less gently depending on the inquirer.

2) Are you changing your name? This one's just for me of course, and is significantly more fun - particularly because the answer is yes! In this instance I am doing the "normal" thing and taking my new husband's name. In my creative pursuits I will continue with my chosen nom de plume, but how was I ever going to turn down Breedlove? Please. Best name ever. Half of why I married him. (Kidding. It's only a quarter.)

Names... have always been an issue for me. For a long time I didn't even really identify with my first name. I went through a stint in middle school where I dabbled in having people call me by my middle name, Michelle. Apparently I look more like a Michelle anyway - people have accidentally called me Michelle my whole life, not even knowing the validity of the misnomer. Then in high school there was my brief obsession with the name Zoe, Greek for life. Why? Who knows. Everybody knows all cool names start with Z, I guess.

At some point in my late teens the world decided I would be called Mel, and though I never particularly liked it I embraced it. I wore it like armor: a name for the personality that walked around out there in the world for me while I hid inside of my head. It came with a bonus, in that many people assumed my name was Melanie. A cloak of anonymity, even as I dyed my hair pink and purple and walked the streets in giant boots and wifebeaters.

In the past couple of years, though, something new has happened. I've stopped being a persona and began to just be a person, and as such I no longer need that false name. Slowly but surely, even to me, I became Melissa. Which, though quite common among women my age, is actually a pretty interesting name. Mel means honey, and Melissa means little honey bee. I have a thing with bees these days; they're a fairly good symbol for my life, now that I've started to get over the phoenix thing.

Bees are the symbol of fertility and sexuality.
Its honeycomb, a hexagon, is
the symbol of the heart and
represents the sweetness of life found within
our own hearts.
It is also the symbol of the sun and all its energies.

The bee reminds us to extract the honey of life and to make our
lives fertile (productive) while the sun shines.
No matter how great the
dream is, there is the promise of fulfillment
if we pursue our dreams.

If a Bee has shown up in your life, examine your own productivity.
Are you doing all you can to make your life more productive?
Are you
busy enough?
Are you making time to savor the honey of life and not becoming
a workaholic?

The Bee is the symbol of accomplishing the impossible.
Aerodynamically, its body is too large for its wings and should not be able
to fly. Although now we understand how it does fly (high rate of wing
movement), the Bee remains a symbol of accomplishing anything you put your
mind to.

So there you go. To pursue, and sometimes accomplish, the impossible; to stay busy, almost too busy; to appreciate what is sweet in life (what I call the little things) - for better or worse, it's sort of me in a nutshell.

Wrong. (But it's alright.)

2010-03-28T17:50:00.004-04:00

It is wrong of me to have kept y'all waiting for so long - after all, the wedding was a week ago. Trouble is, honestly, I haven't really wanted to talk about it.

See... for a person of my given neuroses, it is a very dangerous thing to spend two years focusing on the potential events of one day. It is essentially impossible for something not to go wrong, and it is then equally as impossible for my crazed little mind not to fixate upon what was not perfect. This kind of tendency is one of the many, many reasons for my weekly psychotherapy sessions.

You've all been hearing about the laundry list of near catastrophes that has accrued in these many months of preparation. The week leading up to the wedding, and the wedding day, was sort of that in great concentration. I seem to have this incredible luck in life - things that never ever happen just, well, happen. To me. But before you go thinking I'm doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself, let me throw in that my luck goes both ways: I get the bad, but I also get the good.

I already spent too many days of my honeymoon obsessing over what went wrong, and especially because some of it isn't fully resolved yet I'm not even going to get into that crap. Instead I'm going to present you with the laundry list of what was simply wonderful. These are the things I want to remember, and the things that matter anyway.

The rehearsal dinner. It was amazing. Several of my friends were able to be there, three month old darling Mackenzie stole the show, the vegan entree was divine, Jonathan's parents loved the restaurant we'd chosen, the room they put us in was perfect, the service was flawless, the weather was awesome, the view of City Park from the balcony was stunning... it really couldn't have gone better.
The rain. Yes, it rained on our wedding day. All afternoon and all evening. It's good luck, right? And at times I got to have a polka dotted wedding dress. ;)
The shoes. I positively loved the shoes I ended up wearing. I will be happy with that choice forever.
My hair. Man, do I have some gorgeous hair, if I do say so myself. I grew it for a long time so that it would be at such a length for the wedding, and I felt that it looked lovely. We put these amazing white ranunculus clips in it that were just right. Fear not, pictures forthcoming, eventually. I was so happy with it that day that I've decided not to chop it all off... for the time being at least.
My bouquet. As I've already declared, the flowers were the single thing that I only had to do once, for which I will be eternally indebted to Fleur Rouge. My bouquet is so beautiful, I want to look at it every day for the rest of my life. And I just might.
Our limo and its driver. The limo was so gorgeous! A 1963 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud - a car to die for. And the driver, George. In so many ways he made everything OK. He brought us champagne after the ceremony, held an umbrella over our photographer as we took pictures around the park, drove us around when we didn't feel like going home, and provided a source of cheerful respite throughout the evening. We love you George.
Our friends. So many of our friends joined us from distant locales, and though many could not do so we know that they wanted to be with us and were sending us their love.
The food. It looked great, it was delicious, contrary to what everyone claims I had plenty of time to eat it, and everyone at the party said it was marvelous. Any skepticism of the all vegan reception was quickly put to rest - after all, it's hard to cast dispersions with your mouth full of Mushrooms Rockefeller.
The cupcakes and the cakes. They were gorgeous! They were delicious! I will FOREVER be grateful and indebted to KC and her fab shop, KC's Babycakes on the Northshore, for making that aspect of our wedding happen. Everyone raved, and all 50 of the gift boxes we'd assembled went home with happy, cupcake loving partygoers.
Him. Jonathan. My husband. He approached the "altar" with the most beautiful grin; he delivered his vows with his voice clear and calm and steady and strong (even as I cried and choked through mine); and on our wedding night he made me feel like the most beautiful, most loved woman to ever walk the earth. Plus he looked totally hot in his suit.

So there you have it - some highlights of happiness from the big day. There was more - like the jewelery that I made for myself that I'm now in love with. I'll probably have a few final posts of the details to make here once I sort out some things with the photographs... but let's not get into that, shall we? ;)

Eight.

2010-03-12T11:44:00.000-05:00

OK. We're eight days out. And yes, there was the party at work, which was lovely. Last Saturday I'm pretty sure I was relaxed and happy - I hardly even remember what I did. (Oh right, we got our taxes done {I owe $2k} and then went out to dinner. Thank you date book!)

Sunday I had a VERY successful and productive shopping day with my maid-of-witness Monica. We went to mega-Macy's and got undergarment thingies - weird but apparently necessary. And then we went to Moo Shoes where I got two GORGEOUS new pairs of shoes, both brown. Go figure. My rehearsal dinner dress is brown, see.

And then, on Monday, the panic returned.

I woke up pretty anxious. And by lunchtime it had swollen to I-have-to-go-out-to-lunch proportions. I in fact ended up at Le Pain Quotidian, because they always have vegan pastry, and it's a pastry kind of week, and they always have vegan soup and soup sounded nice too. By Tuesday I was a full blown wreck; I got exactly zilch accomplished at work all day. I'm sure things would have been much better if I'd stopped thinking about the wedding and focused on work instead, but the nature of panic is to perpetuate itself, not to look for solutions.

It may have hit its peak Tuesday night - I couldn't sleep at all. There was wailing, gnashing of teeth, rending of clothes... OK, not quite rending of clothes, but damn close. Poor Jonathan. I can't say it was really tapering on Wednesday. In fact I couldn't actually leave the house Wednesday morning. If I'd tried to go get on the subway I would have had an actual panic attack. So I gave myself the morning off. I did actually put the time to some use, and then I went to work and got some work done. And then I went to therapy.

So finally, by Thursday, it got a little better. I did work, I took myself out to lunch, I did some more work, I got some things done in the evening, and I don't think I cried once all day. I only ate half a pint of ice cream, and I ate three real meals.

Today, I'm actually... kinda excited! There's a bit of a damper being put on it by the crazy amounts of pain that I'm in - I really shouldn't be at work, in fact. But it's my last day before I'm out for two weeks, so I figure I'll just suck it up. Swallow a couple of pills and hope that they help, keep the wrist brace on for whatever the hell is going on with my right side, and do what I can.

I'm getting married in eight days! That Jonathan guy? I like him! A lot! You should see him playing with the bunny rabbit. Cutest thing you ever saw. He's going to be my husband. I'm going to be his wife. We get to have a party about it. I get to wear a pretty dress. Now: pray that it doesn't rain. ;)

They gave me a party at work!

2010-03-11T17:14:00.006-05:00

So actually for weeks I've been gearing myself up for disappointment. Considering that for five years running my birthday has been summarily ignored, I did *not* expect that any deal was gonna get made about me getting married. But since they do tend to have a shower-type-thing for, like, everyone else who gets married, it at least occurred to me. It popped in there, I automatically assumed it wasn't happening for me, and I started bracing myself for the letdown. This is how my brain works.

So when I went upstairs for the meeting last week, imagine my surprise when the room was full of half the office, flowers, and a cake. I'm not gonna lie - it had crossed my mind that the "meeting" was just a rouse to get me up there. Especially since it was in the big nice conference room. But I thought I was just being ridiculous thinking such things. I always think everything is about me, after all. So I had insurance: I prepared like hell for that meeting.

But this time it was! It really was! It was for me!! One of the girls from my department even baked me a vegan chocolate cake. And it was good! It was really thoughtful. They had taken a collection and gotten me one of those am ex gift card things, and the amount is nothing to sneeze at. The whole thing was well timed, as I was beginning to really hate the hell out of this place and the people in it. I was also having a really hard time walking that day, but the surprise cheered me up enough that I didn't have to go home early like I thought I would. Maybe they need to give me surprise parties more often... or maybe I just need to stop being such a pessimistic hater. :)

A little relief... are y'all gonna take bets on how long it sticks?

2010-03-03T16:32:00.004-05:00

I am happy to report that "the photographer situation" seems to be resolved. Today I got to have a nice long chat with our replacement photographer - she seems charming and fun, and like she'll get a kick out of me and Jon and our goofy selves. (Already I know she is somewhat psyched about my crazy hair and my blue dress.) And from what I can tell the head honcho bossman is going to treat us fairly as far as pricing, et cetera. So.

*consciously lowers shoulders from their stations next to ear lobes*

So until I find my next crisis, everything seems to be going pretty smoothly. An undergarment-and-shoe shopping trip is scheduled for this Sunday with my maid-of-witness Miss Monica - she being much wiser in girlythings than I am. Maybe that day I'll put on makeup before I go out and see how it weathers. I am nothing if not a multitasker.

Last night we worked out seating arrangements for the rehearsal dinner. Today I sent the final version of the ceremony to the officiant. Maybe tonight I'll play with paper things? Place cards, guest book cards, thank you notes?

Yes indeed, moving right along.

And now, the panic.

2010-03-02T12:04:00.009-05:00

Alright. We're down to the wire. (If 18 days isn't the wire, I don't know what is.) That considered, I think I'm doing pretty well. Jonathan and I are still getting along splendidly; to be a fly our our apartment wall, about 90% of the time you'd have no idea that we're about to have a huge event and enter into a new phase of our relationship. But ohmyfuckinggod, is there still a lot to do.

On Sunday we went through the to-do list, and then doubled it in size. And then, I took it and integrated it into my date book. Because it's one thing to know what you have to do, and a different thing entirely to figure out how and when you're going to do it. Some things don't translate well into specific date book kinds of times; those just get written in the top of page margins, because I know that they're just going to happen piecewise when the mood strikes me hanging around the apartment. But most tasks got written in, and in ink.

This process was really just one long panic attack on about a three minute loop: PANIC! - Remind myself to take a deep breath. - Figure out how seemingly insurmountable task can be handled and really isn't that big a deal. - Look at next few tasks. - PANIC! - Remind myself to take a deep breath... And so on.

There are at least two situations whose disaster potential are as of yet undetermined.

First, there's the limo thing. I asked my dad to find a cool antique/vintage limo for Jonathan and I to ride around in on the wedding day - a risky move, to be sure. But within two days of the request he'd nailed it: a white 1963 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud. Great right? Except that after booking the limo, signing a contract, and sending them payment in full, he couldn't tell me the name of the company he'd booked with - much less provide a copy of the contract he'd signed.

He was of course depending on my mother to keep track of all that, despite the fact that she had no hand in the reservations, and that it was he who had had email contact with them. Well I watched them fight about it and tear apart the house for twenty minutes or so, and then I hopped on the internet and found the company in two tries. (My parents, of course, kept arguing about the situation for another three hours or so.) In my first couple of emails with the woman at the company, I could feel her tension and frustration seeping right through my gmail account. I felt nothing but sympathy - I can only imagine what it must be like to engage in a business transaction with my father. Once she realized, though, that she would now be dealing with me, and that I would do wacky things like answer her questions, I swear I could actually hear her sigh of relief through the screen.

Sometimes I start to feel like I'm bad at handling things. Then I see how they "handle" things, and I feel a lot better - about me, anyway.

So that's one. The other is that we found out on Thursday that the photographer we had chosen no longer works for the company we booked him through. He has already booked another wedding for our date, in fact. So now we'll be working with a photographer who we've never met or spoken to, of whose work we've seen very little. And the wedding is in less than three weeks. So yeah, that's inducing a little panic - maybe more than a little.

Other than those lovely snafu's, it's just a lot of need-to-get-to-it things. Undergarments for the dress rehearsal dinner and the day of. How am I going to do my hair. Makeup - is that going to work out? Like at all? Get my hair trimmed. Shoes for the rehearsal dinner. And so on, and so on, and so on.

And merrily we trudge along...

Hope springs eternal, in the form of cupcakes.

2010-02-26T10:23:00.007-05:00

Darlings. Please forgive the voice of this blog post. It's really written for other blogs of mine. But I just had to share my joy with you! For those few of you who read this blog and are coming to the wedding, I gotta say, you are gonna enjoy these effing cupcakes. :D

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Remember all those issues I was having with trying to get someone to bake me a vegan wedding cake? I had practically resolved myself to baking my own when I got an email from a vegan-network-friend of mine who lives on the Northshore. One of her friends opened up a bakery in Mandeville a few months ago, she wrote, and baked vegan cupcakes pretty regularly.

To which I said, YES PLEASE THANK YOU.

My parents are not so into the idea of a cupcake tower for the wedding, but they'll suck it up. I admit, I did have my heart set on a "real" cake for a while, but a delicious, gorgeous, vegan presentation is what it comes down to.

And after my meeting with KC of KC's Babycakes, I am absolutely convinced that it's exactly what I'll have. She came highly recommended from a trusted source, which is always good. But you just never know, particularly with vegan baked goods I think, until you sit down and sink your teeth in. This is precisely what I did last Monday. KC spent two full hours with me, and as those of you who know me are well aware, that is a LONG time to spend with me when I'm really excited about something. I sampled six (count them, six) different flavors of her vegan cupcakes. Somehow, each was more extraordinary than the last. You want to hear about them, don't you?

Cookies n cream: a crazy moist rich chocolate cupcake with just a hint of almond, topped with an intensely sweet vanilla buttercream speckled with crumbled oreo-style cookies, crowned with a whole cookie nestled in the middle for good measure. This is an excellent showcase for just how good a simple (but extremely well-baked) chocolate cupcake can be.

Coconut and Coffee: a subtly flavored caramel brown coconut cupcake, slathered in rich coffee buttercream then rimmed with a ring of toasted coconut shavings. Gourmet, doubtless; this cupcake is somehow simultaneously exotic and extravagant while also being comforting and homey. It may be KC's favorite of her vegan creations; me, I am having a very difficult time choosing a favorite.

Vanilla Chocolate Swirl: a basic made fancy, two moist and delicious cakes marbled in the cup and topped with a generous helping of vanilla buttercream, finished with miniature chocolate chips. It's hard to describe how decadent this cakelet is as it sounds so simple, so you'll just have to believe me.

Lemon Macadamia: a lightly lemon cupcake punctuated with chunks of real macadamia nuts, topped with a pungent, bright frosting made with real fresh lemon juice, and finally rimmed with colored sugar for a look that is both sophisticated and fun. (This one happens to be modeling the cupcake wrapper I've chosen - "Aloha" from Paper Orchid. Many thanks to KC for cluing me in on this new cupcake trend!)

Banana Split: here's where we really start getting crazy! A cupcake with a banana bread like consistency - because it's made with real banana, making it ultra dense and moist with true banana flavor - but sweeter and with mini chocolate chips in it. Then topped in a lush twirl of delicately banana flavored buttercream frosting. The cupcakes I tasted were sprinkled with pecans and then topped with a cherry, which was a great finish. However, to be more friendly to my nut-allergic guest(s), for the wedding they'll be drizzled in chocolate ganache before being cherried. Too divine!

Wedding Cake: a flavor that I *believe* was developed just for me! In case you don't know, in New Orleans there is a flavor actually known as "wedding cake flavor" - you can order it at any good snowball stand. It's generally a creamy almond flavor, and it's been a tradition at Nola nuptials since anyone can remember. This cupcake did not disappoint. A perfectly dense, moist, rich, creamy lightly almond and vanilla white cupcake, topped with wonderfully rich almond buttercream, and finished with the most darling candy pearls you'd ever wish to see. Simple and elegant, this is the flavor that really made the set for me. We'll also have a 6" cake atop the tower that will be baked from this batter. I really couldn't be more pleased with how this one came out.

I'll stop killing you with cupcake descriptions now - except to say that we actually haven't decided between doing the cookies n cream described above, or a classic red velvet. I didn't get to sample KC's red velvet, but based on what I've seen and tasted, I have zero doubt that it is exquisite. And I can't help thinking of some kind of chocolate-and-strawberry concoction... Maybe a small groom's cake? What can I say? Life is full of so many difficult decisions.

Some day soon I'll tell you what happens when you take a dozen of the fabulous cupcakes described above over to the only vegetarian restaurant in town (Cafe Bamboo), have a couple of Abitas, and start getting generous. But that, loves, is a story for another day.

Anxiety reigns. (And what else is new? they say...)

2010-02-18T15:35:00.003-05:00

So tomorrow morning (early!) I fly down to New Orleans. I'm going to see my neurologist there to see if we can crack the code of the wicked headaches I've been having. But mostly it's a wedding prep trip, and every day is more or less packed:

Friday: The caterer comes by mom's place to scope the layout. Not sure she heard me when I told her it's really not a big place. Then hopefully dinner with Thom and Weber wherein I gently cajole them into their wedding day duties.

Saturday: Go out with dad to buy copious amounts of liquor with which we will stock the bar. Then to Gordon's of Metairie (where I may just have to buy this) to try to find a bird cage type thing for people to put gift cards into? I think? Possibly spray paint as well if it's ugly. And maybe some kind of tablecloth to put on the piano? Still gotta break it to Mom that that's where I want to set up the guest book...

Sunday: massage and facial at Earthsavers! I've never had a facial before. Yes, I am 32. What's your point? Then swing by the bed and breakfast type place where Jonathan and I will be staying on the wedding night and for the week afterward to make sure everything is squared away with the room. I made reservations online, but... it's just not really an online kind of place, you know? Plus they're super nice, and it's in a neighborhood I like to be in anyway.

Monday: neurologist, woo. And THEN, the most exciting thing ever! I get to drive to the Northshore (not so exciting) to meet with my baker about my VEGAN CUPCAKE TOWER!! Totally the most exciting thing ever, am I right? The flavors I should get to try that day are chocolate vanilla marble, lemon macadamia, toasted coconut with coffee buttercream, and banana split. Dear god I am in cupcake heaven. All that, plus a sample of the 6" cake that will be atop the tower: some almond apricot confection that she's whipping up. Yes, I am truly psyched. I'm finishing off the trip with a visit to Cafe Bamboo, New Orleans' only all-vegetarian restaurant. Gotta support, you know.

It should be a fun trip, a busy trip. Hopefully I will continue to *not* feel like crap so that I can actually use my time there. I am excited - I have been really, really missing New Orleans lately. But I'm quite anxious as well. Wedding jitters maybe, but I think my recent health and work issues are making it much more severe and complex than it would be otherwise. Last night I was in Ann Taylor, of all places, looking for a jacket to wear with my dress for the rehearsal dinner, and I just completely lost it. Practically burst into tears while checking out. The poor girl at the register had no idea what to think.

There's nothing particularly wrong - things are going progressively more smoothly and falling into place one by one. I shipped the flowers down to my mom and they arrived unharmed! I'm carrying my dress on tomorrow to reduce the risk of injury. The response cards are arriving daily, all with the answers we were expecting, and there have even been a couple of checks. I think it's just... a lot to deal with. The current status of my life (between my hatred of my job / inability to leave it, and my health issues that I can't get under control) is enough to bring me to tears, so you throw a wedding in there as well and it's really not surprising that I'm getting panicky.

At least I have my bunny rabbit for solace. He is so happy these days that he has begun running a circle around his favorite perching area every time we come see him. It's the cutest thing ever. It's nice to have that little spot of unadulterated joy in my life when so many other things are crazy. The only thing that stresses me about him is leaving him for two weeks! How will I live without that little bunny face? =:3

INVITED!!

2010-01-28T16:33:00.003-05:00

I can hardly believe it, but I saw it with my own eyes. I, in fact, made it happen. Last night, at approximately 11:30 p.m., all 51 square green envelopes got dropped into the big blue mailbox up the block from our apartment. That's right people. THE INVITATIONS ARE IN THE MAIL!

Man, if there has ever been a more complicated invitation mess, I don't even want to hear about it - I think it would just make me nauseous to think about.

The saga:

Designed invites for the NY wedding, were having them printed, had to stop them in mid-production and lose my deposit because oops! No New York wedding. Designed NOLA wedding invitations, got them printed. But they had to be reprinted because of a margins issue, and then because of said issue the invites then didn't fit into the nice printed envelopes. (I *told* the printer this was going to happen, and he was all, no! It'll be fine! Needless to say, I was not pleased. Did he offer to rectify? Mmmno.) So then had to get new envelopes, and then what to do about a return address? OK, got an embosser.

Went to finally assemble, only to discover that my reply cards didn't fit into the envelopes either! (My fault on that part - they were a holdover from the original invites and I just never thought to check. The difference was like an eighth of an inch. Aarg.) So out came the exacto knife to cut 51 postcards down to size.

And OMG the stamps! Went to the post office - you know, the government run business-type organization responsible for distributing mail - to ask them what denomination of stamp to put on a square envelope. "Well how much does it weigh?" "It's just a normal invitation - just a couple pieces of paper. It's not heavy. It's just like a letter in a square envelope." "Well we'd need to know how much it weighs." "Isn't there just a standard upcharge for a square envelope, for the handling fee because it can't run through the machine?" Between three postal employess they still couldn't figure it out. Finally, "Well, I have this one stamp with a wedding cake on it for 61 cents." "Do you think that might be the one for a square envelope?" "Well I don't know..." Got online later to find that, oddly enough, yes, there is a 17 cent upcharge for a square envelope. Go figure.

And then stamps for the reply cards! Those we ordered online, and four days later they still hadn't arrived. So I stood in line for half an hour last night to buy a few sheets of the same stamps I'd ordered. I arrived home to find that... the stamps had arrived.

But none of this matters anymore. You know why? Because THE INVITATIONS ARE IN THE MAIL! I am, of course, saying a little prayer to the postal gods that nothing crazy happens to them in transit. I worked hard for those little squares!

Good news! I don't have to fly to California to punch anyone in the neck.

2010-01-11T13:22:00.000-05:00

So, in case you haven't been keeping score, the dress situation goes like this. I found a dress in July. I showed it to my mom in August, and she loved it. Hooray! Ordering = go. Of course, it took a bit for me to get up on it... I think I finally placed the order sometime in September. They told me it would arrive in December. Fabulous.

Then, it shipped in October. I freaked out! "I'm not ready to deal with the dress yet!" I said. I considered sticking the box in the bottom of a closet for two months. Well, thank god I didn't, because when I pulled it out I found that it had a three inch pen mark on it. Yeah.

Dress got sent back... eventually. Took me a minute to coordinate that - I'm a busy woman you know. OK, so a few weeks later I got back my "fixed" dress. It looked like a 7th grade home ec project. Not cool, not what you want in your wedding dress to say the least. Strongly worded emails ensued.

Well, I was refunded for the dress and for my shipping costs, and ordered a completely new dress in a different color. It arrived in the end of December, and last night I tried it on - shoes and petticoat and all.

And I am pleased to report that IT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL DELIGHTFUL FABULOUS DRESS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's my wedding dress, in other words. :) It makes me grin, it makes me prance, it makes me act kind of un-me-like (in a good way). It makes me feel lovely.

So alright universe, I've had enough trouble with the dress, kay? No destroying it when I fly down for the wedding or any such nonsense. GOT THAT?! Awesome, love ya!

I swear, they practically broke my arm.

2010-01-02T16:09:00.000-05:00

It was brutal and vicious, they way they just absolutely tortured me!

OK, no, not really. It was actually just firmly suggested that Jonathan and I really and truly need a "real" registry. I've been fighting this, and hard. Why?

we don't need or want china, silver, whatev
we'd rather people spend money on the nonprofits we've told them about
we don't have anywhere to put more stuff anyway...

Et cetera. But then x-mas came, and there was the big box from my ma. And what did it contain? Toasting flutes. Apparently she did not recall the several extensive conversations we had wherein I explained that 1) I really have no desire for that kind of gift, and 2) Jon and I had already spent an excruciating two days finding toasting flutes that he and I actually both like.

And that was the proverbial straw. So, yeah, we did it. We have three small registries now - we even did the one at Macy's. Man, the girl there *really* did not know what to think of us. "Are you excited?!" "No, not really..." "Don't you want to register for some china placesettings and some silver?!?!" "Um, no." (Don't get me wrong. We were nice to her. But we were in hysterics over their little pre-printed sheet of suggestions. They seem to be under the impression that all newlyweds are, like, Kennedys or something?)

I did actually register for a few pieces of china - not placesettings - just pieces. What? IT'S GOT BIRDS ON IT.

We'd still prefer if people donate for us, or maybe contribute to the honeymoon registry that we thought would do the trick for people. ("No, people want to give you something that you'll see every day!" says my got-married-two-years-ago friend. She seems to be correct.) But hey, we like opening presents too. What we're *really* hoping is that someone will get Jon a gravy boat...

So what the hell is going on with this wedding?

2010-01-01T14:38:00.001-05:00

Well I'll tell you. Not much. The truth of it is you haven't really been hearing from me because I've had little to no energy to put into the wedding in the past few months - my crap health and ridiculous job have been taking pretty much all I've got, and you throw the holidays on top of that and, well... there you go, two months of no blogging.

So let me think. What haven't you heard about? Well I think I need to fill you in on the dress saga. I believe you know that I ordered the dress. Great! Hooray! There was that silly freakout when I discovered it was going to arrive in October instead of December and I was all, but I'm not ready for it yet! Well, thank god I opened the box instead of letting it sit around, because when I did open it I found a perfectly lovely dress... with a three inch pen mark on the skirt. Mmm hmm.

OK. So the dress went back. And a couple of weeks later I got it back, supposedly "fixed." What did I find? ZOMG, complete nightmare. To "fix" the dress, they had cut out a panel from the front of the skirt, leaving the skirt with two new seams running down the front that weren't there before. But the big issue was the box pleats.

One of the main features of the dress is a row of inverted box pleats running beneath the sewn in waist band. They're quite prominent. These had to be taken out and sewn back in to replace the panel of fabric. Well, they were sewn back in badly. And I mean BADLY. Each one was a different size, measurable in half inches! The one on the right was nearly a full inch narrower than the one on the left, and the whole series was totally off center. Now, had this been some secondhand dress off of Ebay, that'd be one thing. It wasn't. Feel me?

OK. So needless to say, that dress too went back. So there I was, pretty much exactly four months out from the wedding, with no dress. This is ungood. Many dressmakers won't even take an order with less than four months' lead time. So - and you're going to think I'm crazy - I reordered the dress from the same company, in a different color so that it would be impossible for any part of the original dress to be used in the new one. I did so on the guarantee that it would be personally inspected by the sales woman I'd been corresponding with.

The dress shipped out on December 30; it's scheduled to arrive on January 7. Let's just say that if it arrives effed up, I may fly to California just to bitch slap somebody.

Hmm. Other stuff. The shoes I ordered in October finally arrived. I wasn't thrilled with the fabric, but so it goes. Well, I wore them around the house for an hour and the fabric has already begun to separate from the sole and shred. So much for handmade quality. I haven't contacted the Etsy seller I got them from yet because, lord help me, I haven't got the strength.

Invitations will be going out sometime in the next two weeks... though before that can happen I still need to figure out how to get return addresses on the envelopes.

I'm still just so thankful to the woman who made my flower stuff - that remains the ONE THING that I haven't had to do at least twice! Fleur Rouge, I will love you for ever and ever. Now everyone put your collective energies together and pray for me that nothing bad happens to them when I ship them down to NO! I will be in a slight panic from the moment they leave my possession until my mom calls me to say she received an un-crushed box.

So that's all for now folks. Soon I hope to talk with my caterer about using some recipes I have to, say, bake us a vegan wedding cake and/or cupcakes, and maybe some more exciting menu options... I'll let you know how that goes.

Hearts.

A time for reflection - ooh, goody! Reviewing this year, looking forward to next.

2009-12-31T13:11:00.002-05:00

This is not the wedding update you've been looking for. I really want to give you one, I swear! And I hope to, maybe this weekend even. But maybe this'll help explain why I've been such an absentee blogger...

* * *

Here we are, then, on the eve. I'm home from work with a migraine, and while the head pain waxes and wanes the nausea is a constant, punctuated by the sharp shots of a sciatica flare-up. Snow is falling outside - the second real fall this December - and I won't go out for fear of falling. Ah, life.

I am sad to say that this year has been one largely defined by my health, or really, the problems therewith. Perhaps my body knows it's actually in its thirties now; maybe that's why my condition has taken such a dramatic nosedive. I cannot do what I could do a year ago. That's an odd thing to have to say - in my mind I still feel young.

Even so, I want to say that good things have happened this year. I just have to dig them out is all. They're not big and flashy. They're more the kind of thing you learn to appreciate because it's foolish to take them for granted.

For one, Jonathan and I moved. And while the move itself was difficult, overall it's been a good thing. It strengthened our relationship and gave us a more comfortable living space. It let me have a christmas tree! It's much more quiet here, which makes it easier for me to rest when I need to. And since we're now on the second floor, and in a house instead of an apartment building, I feel much safer. These things have a real impact on quality of life.

For another, I managed to get through another year at the office. It's killing me, but it's important to our survival. Is that contradictory? We need the income, and heaven knows I need the health insurance. And the fact is that the longer I'm there and the more senior and indispensable I am, the more power I'll have to negotiate if I need to, say, work part time or go on medical leave.

Then there are the dozens of micro-achievements that make daily life worth living: the blog posts that people enjoyed, my work with the Vegan Etsy team, the couple of zines I've managed to write, the Etsy sales I've made and positive feedback I've received, the train rides I've taken and blogged about. There was some pure enjoyment as well: reconnecting and spending of time with cherished friends, visiting my former homes and actually taking a real vacation for once, and just exploring the city with my baby like we do. And, you know, the eating.

It's been a hard year for many people in my life, but always there are spots of hope. One of my dearest friends became a mother this year; at this very moment she is doubtless curled in the warm glowing love of her new baby girl, just two weeks old. It's good to know that such happiness still exists in the world. Another friend has gained an ever growing acknowledgment of her craft and design skills, each day getting a little closer to fulfilling her dream. Yet others will be a rock star, a professional photographer, and a famous author any minute now, despite it all. Maybe this is what my wildly diverse group of friends and I have in common: no matter what life throws at us we just continue to strive for... whatever the hell it is that we can't live without.

So, next year? 2010, the year sci-fi movies are made of? (Where is my jet pack? Where is my hovercraft? Where is my homicidal supercomputer?) It's hard to say. As of my doctor's appointment yesterday, I am coming off of the Savella. That will be a somewhat slow and possibly sickening process, but I'm trying not to psych myself out over it. Once I'm off of it... Well, I have some real fears. I began the medication because I was rapidly approaching real disability. Unfortunately, while it helped the fibro somewhat, the side effects have made it hurt more than help. So off of it, I really just don't know where I'll stand. (Or hell, if I'll be able to stand at all, ha.)

Once I'm weaned, we may try Cymbalta, another medication in the same class. It may help, it may not, it may make things worse. There's a lot of guesswork and wait-and-see in this process. It, um, sucks. But there's nothing for it but to keep trying, because I'm not just going to go, oh, OK, well I guess I just don't function anymore. That's not really my gig, you know?

Of course I'll keep up with the chiropractic and all of the other things I do as well. I've never once believed that medication is the complete answer.

2009 was the year I got worse; maybe 2010 is the year I get better.

And I'll keep writing. There is so much that I want to write. Maybe 2010 is when I get another short story published - hopefully somewhere where someone might actually read it this time. It's almost a sure thing that I'll be having some blurb-ey, short expositive writing bits published in the Zinester's Guide to NYC, scheduled to be put out by Microcosm this coming summer. Don't want to say it's definite, because who ever knows what'll happen, but let's say it's supposed to happen, and at least for that I'm excited.

Will I make visual art? Probably. I can't help it. I just comes sometimes, though not as often as I'd like. Meh.

And, oh yes, I'll get married. I'll be Mrs. Breedlove. I'll spend a day dashing around in a big blue dress, and at the end of it I'll have a husband; I'll be a wife. It's really an intriguing concept. I'm quite interested to see how it turns out.

It will be a year, composed of 365 individual days. I intend to do my best to make the most of each one - whatever my "best" might be on each of them. Because honestly, what the hell else would I do?

Flowers!

2009-11-14T09:03:00.004-05:00

Alright, after all of my nonsense last month, it's about time you heard some good news for a change. Which is that the flowers - they have arrived! (Yes, they're silk. Or should I say, "silk", because obviously they're not actually silk.) And this is the first thing that came right the first time! I am so psyched! Of course, I didn't order enough boutonnieres, but that shouldn't be a biggie. They're the smallest, least expensive thing - I'm pretty sure my lady will be able to crank out two more before March. Everything came from Fleur Rouge, a one woman company working out of California. She was super awesome to work with. She answered all of my questions quickly, has great prices, and even designed custom pieces for me to incorporate our wedding flowers!

Yeah, I'm excited about flowers. What of it?

When they weren't here after work yesterday, I resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't see them until Monday. But lo and behold, Saturday morning at 8am they show up! Go fig. And they're so pretty! They make me want to, I dunno, sit quietly and contemplate being a bride, or something? I finally understand those goofy closeups of the bouquet that you always see. I don't know if I get the shoe thing yet, but once I finally get my custom-made shoes, I'll probably want photos of those too, god help me.

I've been instructed by a good friend who possesses significantly more tact than I do that I should not go around posting photos of all of the pretty details. So I'm just gonna tease you with this little snippet. :P Don't worry, once this whole shebang is over, you are going to see more photos of this event than you have ever wanted to see of anything ever in your whole entire life... ever. Promise.

Slowly but surely I am loved... and not actually all that slowly.

2009-10-21T13:52:00.003-04:00

So, as it turns out of course I was just being my jump-the-gun self. Have I gotten 51 enthusiastic responses to my 51 envelopes? Of course not; no one would, not even the most popular girl in the world I don't think. But what I have gotten is acknowledgment from my nearest and dearest - well from almost all of the girls anyway. Not from the boys, but can I really ask for miracles? The day a boy emails me about a piece of stationery, I will pass out with amazement.

Jonathan keeps telling me that people have lives, people are busy. Even if they are thrilled about our upcoming nuptials and delighted to be invited, and even if they have every intention of dropping a line, it doesn't mean it's going to happen. I keep thinking of all the times I have managed to say the nice thing about the thing that's happening that I want to recognize... but when I'm honest with myself, I also remember all the times that I haven't (but really meant to!). We all do this.

So really the question is not, why am I not good enough to deserve their love and attention. The question is, why isn't the love and attention of my core of friends, who have proved themselves true for years, enough for me? It certainly isn't for any lack of valuing them! They're the family I'm not related to. I would drop anything at any moment for any one of them - as most of them have done for me at one time or another. I consider myself lucky to have built this group, and if they were the only people to show up at the wedding from my part of the guest list I'd be in great company.

I'm telling you, I'm making a list for this week's session.

re: my weekend drama, further thoughts.

2009-10-19T14:44:00.003-04:00

An anonymous commenter pointed out something that I've thought of - that one of my wedding guests reading my ridiculous rantings here would likely not take too kindly to my complaining and nonsense. But he/she took it to a strange conclusion, stating that I might have, I don't know, weird emotional motives for inviting people to a wedding. Which I don't really think is the case... any more than it's arguable that weddings period are had for weird emotional motives.

Perhaps it's because this commenter doesn't know me, which luckily most of my guests do. Or perhaps it's because I don't explain myself too well when I get all wiley like that. Anyway, here is the majority of my response to that comment, which certainly has merit. I hope that it will shed a little more light on the subject.

* * *

...and yes, when I invite people to the wedding I am saying that they are important to me - particularly because it's a pretty small wedding. So when they don't acknowledge either the engagement or the invite, I feel like they're telling me that I'm/we're not important to them, regardless of whether they're important to us. See? That's, uh, pretty much the whole problem.

Anyway, the issue of my emotional problems is one frequently discussed on this here blog. But I'm certainly not the only girl around who has wanted the people in her life to be excited about her wedding (or hurt when they don't seem to be). The only one of my neuroses really coming into play here is that I'm likely jumping to conclusions in saying that people aren't excited or happy for us or whatever.

I wouldn't call that having an ulterior "emotional agenda". I just have a lot of things in my past that affect my ability to judge situations with sanity.

* * *

So maybe that makes a little more "sense", as much as any of it makes sense? I don't claim that I'm logical.

See, I think what happened here was that I let my self be unadulteratedly happy about wedding things for a minute - that is always extremely dangerous territory, both because I get way too pie-in-the-sky and because my brain begins to look for what's going to go wrong.

I'm telling you, I have a great psychotherapist. I'm not kidding. We do really good work every Thursday. This week will be major.

Slightly less melodramatic today.

2009-10-19T13:46:00.001-04:00

I'm partly blaming the rain, and partly blaming the inconsistencies of the post office.

The rest of it is just me being a freakshow. And needing more therapy. But what else is new?

How did I not expect it?

2009-10-18T18:28:00.004-04:00

I guess that I'd just taken it for granted that when the save the dates arrived, people would be excited. It wasn't until Friday evening, when I was expecting that they would begin arriving, that it occurred to me that people might, uh, not be. Might say, oh, yeah, and throw it into the pile on the end table with the rest of the mail.

There are, like, four people who are actually excited about this wedding that we're not related to. Hell, even the parents got the damn things and didn't bother to call. So can somebody please tell me why I'm having a wedding? It's certainly not for us. For the moms, I guess? And because when you plan a wedding at your parents' house, it becomes much more difficult to cancel.

I haven't felt this crappy about the wedding since we "announced" our engagement. To this day, we have yet to receive a single congratulatory card. Not even from our parents. About 8 of the approximately 10 times we've even heard the word congratulations, it has come from strangers trying to sell us things.

So fine. No one cares. No one cared when we told them we were engaged, and no one cares now that the wedding date is official, letterpressed on heavy cotton cardstock delivered to their doors. You know what the best part is? I feel like it's my fault that no one cares. Because I've dated too many guys, because I'm too old, because I forced Jonathan into this whole mess anyway so it's hardly even real, because we're just having a party at my parents' house and not inviting people to the ceremony, because I talked about it all too much before any of it actually happened so no one was surprised by any of it. So somehow I'm stunned and hurt that no one cares, while simultaneously feeling that I don't deserve anything more.

Good god, how much do I NOT want to put any more time or effort or care or energy into planning an event that no one gives a fuck about coming to? It's embarrassing. It's like spending all day decorating for the birthday party that no one shows up to, times about a hundred... thousand. (And yeah, I've done that too.)

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Because it feels like shit to feel like no one cares that you're getting married. And you know what? If it was happening to you, you'd be feeling sorry for yourself too. Probably. Or at least you'd be in therapy like I am.

STDs in the mail!!

2009-10-14T22:46:00.002-04:00

Save the dates, that is. And most of them, that is. Yep, I finally got it done! And thank god. They sat there for freaking EVER. But when I come home from an 11 hour workday and there's still addresses to be gotten from my ma and dinner to be eaten and showers to be taken and VeganMoFo blogs to be written... eyeah. But it's done now, except for three to friends of mine right here in NYC whose addresses I just can't wrangle out of them for some reason. (I texted all of you people! Write me back already!)

So that's a big to do off of the list.

I tole you I ordered the shoes. I'll tell you more about it once we've picked fabric.

And the dress arrived yesterday... but there's a problem. It's a good thing I didn't leave it in the box until December like I was thinking about doing; when you unpack something two months after it shipped, you don't have much of a leg to stand on when you discover that it's damaged.

Le sigh. Ho hum.

Merrily we trudge along.

We took the all-but-three save the dates to the mailbox, and I looked at Jonathan. "Once we mail these, people will know," I said. "Yep, that's the plan," he said. "So you'll have to go through with it and marry me," I said. "Yes baby, I know," he said, laughing at me. I kissed him, and then we dropped 40 some odd envelopes into the mail.

Now, in a way that it wasn't before, now it is real.

Fine. So it doesn't make any sense.

2009-10-13T12:45:00.002-04:00

But now I'm eagerly awaiting the dress. Yes, I know I'm slightly skitzo. Whatevs, like that's some kind of news. But they told me it's coming and now I want it! Plus there should be much less scary things in the box, like the pretty purse and the rehearsal dress dinner and matching bolero, et cetera, et cetera. Anyway, seems like there's a good chance it will be there when I get home from work today, whenever the frack that will be.

In other exciting news, I ordered shoes! They're from Hydra Heart. I don't actually know exatctly what they'll look like yet, because we have to pick a fabric - they'll be a sort of Asian-ish floral satin. I have to send her fabric swatches and we'll go from there. The swatches are in an envelope with no address or stamp.

Much like many of my save the dates.

Aarg.

It's not my fault! I've been busy! I worked 50 hours last week! And then on Saturday I couldn't do it because we were busy doing our engagement shoot with the amazing Sarah Tew. I was totally nervous about it, but as soon as we got going it was so much fun. We did it on the Highline, and I'm so happy we made that choice. It's so beautiful there.

More details on all of this later...

OMG total panic.

2009-10-07T20:16:00.003-04:00

OK, so I put in the dress order, right? And they were so nice, and they got my fax, and they called me up and were like, standard shipment time is three months from the date of order, so we have you set for a shipment date of December 15. Great! More than enough time to do whatever I gotta with it.

OK.

So why did I just get a UPS shipment notification?! That says that I'm supposed to get a package by MONDAY??!!!

At this point you may be wondering why I'm upset about this. Um. I hope you're not looking for some kind of logical, rational answer. (If you are you're most definitely about to be disappointed.) See... I'm not ready to deal with the dress yet! Where the hell am I going to put it? Do I try it on? I haven't ordered the shoes or the crinoline yet! I'm going to be writing summary judgment oppositions at work until Thanksgiving... seriously, I do not have time do deal with this. Until December! December was perfect! And now they've gone and made my dress in three weeks instead of three months. What the hell?!

Jonathan is convinced that this is not a problem. He's all, it would only be a problem if the dress was late. What does he know? He's Mr. Along-For-The-Ride on this thing. He hasn't even started looking at suits yet. Is he the one trying to get all the save the dates addressed and mailed out? No. Aaaggghhh.

I think if I had gotten this email while I was out and about, I may have actually had a panic attack.

Maybe a smartphone isn't such a good idea for me after all.

Jonathan, you're not allowed to read this post. (I did it - I ordered The Dress!)

2009-09-26T12:16:00.008-04:00

Alright, so after a year of obsessing on the internet and months of debating, it's done. The order is in. My wedding dress is ordered! It's something I was so anxious about before I found the dress I loved, but now that I've found it and ordered it I'm just so excited. Right now, the wedding is just under six months away. By the time the dress arrives, it will only be three months! And my bouquet should arrive in November... If my mother would ever get me the frickin' addresses, I could get the save the dates sent out... Yeah, it's happening now. It's really happening.

Anyway. About the dress. I'm totally psyched. For anyone who might care to know, it's Aria dress style #141. And in the satin, it's only $185. Most girls spend more than that on alterations! Hell, I may end up spending more than that on alterations. Hopefully not; I should just need a hem and a press. Their stuff fits me wonderfully. I know I showed you some pictures already, but you want to see them all, don't you? I thought you did. Just keep in mind that it will be a light blue dress with a cornflower sash. Use your imagination. You can do it.

This is when I'd first put it on. I was feeling a little awkward. But I warmed up to it pretty quickly.

The dress is an illusionist! It makes me look like I have a small waist! I'm telling you, it's like magic.

Just in case you're wondering? Yes, that IS a pocket. Totally awesome right?

Now, with the sash. They only had the navy pleated one, which is totally not what I'm getting.
Over-the-shoulder cheesy 70's pose anyone?

Yup, I gotta lotta hair. There's even more of it now.

Will the non-symmetry of these tattoos ever stop bothering me? Probably not. Suggestions anyone?

I need to order my petticoat. And my shoes!

OK, for color reference, something a little like this:

I mean, not quite, but maybe you get the idea?

Yeah, I'm in dress love. Totally weird right? Trust me, it would be if you knew me. Especially if you've known me for more than about five years - if you knew me back in the combat boots, septum ring, parts (or all) of my head shaved days. Big floofy dress with a petticoat? Even for a wedding, it's kind of like woah.

But whatever. I'm seriously excited! (Just, you know, in case you couldn't tell.) There are still a lot of things to take care of, and some of them are stressing me out. This dress is becoming my wedding happyplace. Every girl wants to be pretty on her wedding day - wants to feel pretty. And I think I will. In a way it's like having the proper armor with which to go into battle - not that I'm really thinking of the wedding as any kind of fight... maybe it's more like being properly prepared to enter unknown territory?

Jonathan and I will stand there, I in my dress and he in his suit, holding each other's hands and gaining strength from one another. And they'll take pictures. And in the end it won't even matter what we're wearing, we'll just be so damn happy to be with each other... and of course the champagne won't hurt. ;)

Did I tell you we got a caterer?

2009-09-19T12:07:00.003-04:00

(This was originally posted on the Vegan Etsy blog. But I realized that I had not shared the info with you fine people...)

A wedding should be a fun time for one and all, but I think most guests look forward to one thing in particular: drinking! Ha ha, kidding... sort of. What I really meant was, the food! Food becomes a focal point of many weddings, and every bride fears the dreaded "rubber chicken": food that has apparently been frozen and/or sat under heat lamps for too long so as to become an entirely wrong texture, which is basically edible but unappealing. (In the vegan world would this become rubber tofu?)

The wedding is now slated to be a fairly low key affair. The party, for which we need the food, is at my parents' house. And believe me people, it ain't a big house. We basically need platters of food spread out on my ma's dining room table, a (very) small staff to keep them full and looking pretty, and a bar out back - because people really do look forward to the drinking. OK fine, because I'M looking forward to the drinking. It's really not such a tall order. I could do it myself if I wasn't gonna be all busy getting married and everything. But I will, and taking on too many responsibilities for the big day is a sure recipe for disaster. Enter: the caterer.

Well, as I've mentioned before finding a vegan caterer even in New York City is a challenge. Now that we're having the wedding in New Orleans, we didn't even know if it would be possible. But that's just my defeatist inner child talking - anything is possible with a little determination.

I sent a few emails to various caterers in the NOLA area that I dug up on el internet, and got no response whatsoever - unprofessional much? I'll take a "sorry, we don't do vegan events" over dead silence any day. Thus, my hope was beginning to dwindle. But then along came Food Art. No, they hadn't done a vegan wedding or event before, but they were knowledgeable about what vegan meant which was a promising start, and more importantly they were willing to work with us to come up with a menu.

The first set of selections they sent us felt a little like a bunch of side dishes slapped together, and they had some novice questions such as "is pita bread vegan?" Well dear heaven I hope so - what the heck kind of pita bread are you buying if it isn't? But they were extremely communicative, great about answering our questions and listening to our suggestions, and in short time we'd worked out a menu that we found pleasing. So the communication was great - which is high on my list of importance with vendors - and the food sounded good, not to mention that the price was totally reasonable; all that was left was to taste it.

The week of August that we spent in New Orleans was busy, and the tasting with Food Art was probably the most important (and exciting) meeting on the list. Because food was only being prepared for the two of us we were only getting to taste about half of the items on our list, but that's fine; half is enough to give you an idea of whether a chef can cook. What we tasted went as follows:

*Tuscan grilled vegetables including zucchini, yellow squash, and eggplant, served at room temperature: Very tasty, nicely seasoned with herbs and grilled to perfection.

*Eggplant Capanata and Artichoke Hummus served with grilled pita and roasted cloves of garlic: Exactly as delish as it sounds.

*Eggplant curry with a variety of toppings: this was the clincher. I've never had anything like it, and let me tell you that I've eaten some curry. It was a very thick curry, not the runny kind. Simultaneously sweet and savory, with just enough spice that you knew it was spicy but tons of real flavor. I could eat this stuff all day long.

*Dessert: vegan blondie squares, and dates stuffed with nuts and rolled in coconut: The chef was so proud of his vegan baking expedition that he had to come right into the tasting room and talk to us about it. They were a little odd, and not how I would make a blondie, but a nice little sweet bit anyway. The dates are a classic, with the right amount of nut to set off the oh so sweet dried fruit - my mom loves these so she'll be thrilled.

You want to see the whole menu don't you? Yeah, I thought you did.

*Tuscan Grilled Vegetables
Including asparagus, zucchini, yellow squash, eggplant, green onions, fennel, carrots, mushrooms & sweet peppers (based on seasonal availability) all brushed with an herbed infused olive oil & served room temperature

*Grilled Pita Served with a trio of chilled spreads
to include roasted garlic cloves, classic eggplant capanata & homemade artichoke hummus

*Fresh Fruit Salad
with cantaloupe, pineapple, honeydew, strawberries & grapes (based on seasonal availability) tossed with a fresh mint & maple dressing

*Trio of Louisiana Tomatoes
Creole, yellow and pickled green served atop mixed greens finished with a Balsamic reduction and fresh basil

*Southern Style “Caviar”
Fresh black-eyed peas, green onion, sweet peppers, garlic & chopped jalapenos tossed with a maple syrup vinaigrette and served with tortilla chips for dipping

*Eggplant Curry
Made with coconut milk, green curry, Thai basil, and tender eggplant served with parslied rice and a selection of toppings to include crushed peanuts, shredded coconut, diced onion, mango salsa, diced pineapple and chopped cilantro

*Pasta Marigny with seared spinach, fresh artichokes, caramelized leeks and Roma tomatoes finished in a light tomato, olive oil and Chardonnay stock reduction accented with fresh basil and oregano

Hurrah! Tasting declared a success - we've found ourselves a caterer! As anyone who's planned an event knows, that is one major hurtle. There's still a long way to go between here and "finished", but at least the ducks are rowing. I can sleep a little more soundly knowing that our guests will get to eat!

Now, if we could just figure out a way to have a vegan wedding cake... working on it.

Mail.

2009-08-11T20:39:00.003-04:00

I'm very particular when I address an envelope. I check and double check the recipient's house and apartment numbers, go over the spelling of the street (and city, if it's unfamiliar) three or four times. I check my own address a couple of times as well - just in case. I place the stamp carefully, squarely in the corner. If the envelope is at all heavy, I add extra postage.

Walking to the mail box, I check the envelope a few more times. Is it sealed? Are all the parts of the address really there? Did I remember postage? I do one (or two) more checks before I slip it in. Once I do, I check to make sure it really got in there and isn't caught halfway.

And then, a moment or a minute or ten minutes or half an hour later, I have a split second panic. Did I put the address?! Did I seal it?? Did I put postage on it!??

Heaven help me - heaven help us all - when I mail the invitations.

I'd call it "Say Yes to the Dress", but I hear that one's taken.

2009-07-20T19:09:00.003-04:00

As I'm sure you've gathered if you're a regular reader, I spent the past weekend in Washington D.C. on a search for The Wedding Dress. Being my normal neurotic self, I became fairly hysterical about this prospect. My worries, as it turned out, were completely unfounded. My trip to the D.C. Aria boutique could not have been better - it may have been the best wedding dress shopping experience any American bride has ever had. (Have I mentioned that I never exaggerate?)

One of my close friends, dearest Kimmy, still lives in the metro area, and she accompanied me for moral support and the all-important second opinion. Arriving at the boutique, located in a townhouse just off Dupont Circle, we found a most inviting little space. Inside was its one inhabitant, our hostess for the appointment. We'll call her K. And that was it - us and her. Private appointment. Totally amazing, right? Sort of the antithesis of David's.

I had expected it to be more like Simple Sihlouettes in Manhattan, where we'd checked out bridesmaid dresses for Kim's wedding a couple of years ago - a small boutique with several groups of girls there at once. Nope, this was total one on one service and total privacy. K was bubbly and helpful and utterly un-pushy throughout the visit. Basically, everything you don't get from the girls at a typical bridal salon. Of course, part of why I've liked this company from the start is that they don't deal with bridal salons. For an anxiety prone, body conscious person such as myself, this was the perfect dress shopping experience.

But anyway, enough praise for the Aria way. You want to see me in some dresses, right? Yes, I thought so. We'll start with a "before" shot - something to give you a baseline. Here's me in the street clothes I showed up in - utterly not fancydresslike.

Oh, things you should know. I was looking both for The Wedding Dress and for a dress for the rehearsal dinner and things like that. I don't really have nice dresses that fit me anymore - I actually lost my favorite one in the flood. (As that was almost four years ago, you can see how often I need them.) And I'll have at least that one other event happening that will require looking spiffed. With what I'm spending on a wedding dress, assuming it is coming from this place, why not get a couple of dresses that really fit? So we begin with, and actually focus on, dresses for the latter purpose. But keep in mind that pretty much all of their dresses can be ordered in full length.

Here we have dress number one. Kim thought I looked good in it, but frankly I think I look a little tubby. I also think I would have been doing a little show for anyone who happened to glance over at any time that I was leaning a bit, if you know what I mean. (And no, I don't consider that a good thing.) Somewhat cute I guess, but not for me I don't think. Oh, and about the heels? The only sample heels they had around were freaking four inches high. My left ankle's a bit bum right now, and after the first go I gave up on them.

Pinkest. Dress. EVAH! Fo reals, yo. This dress could work on somebody tiny I guess, but for me it was just blah... and pink.

I call this red one the boobiesack dress. It's like, here's my boobies! I've put them in little sacks for you! Kim and I agreed it looked dumb. Jonathan thinks it's juuuust fine. Depends on what you're going for, I guess.

Now, we're getting somewhere. This one I really like. It's got a 50s housewife thing going on - but in a good way. If I end up ordering it I'll probably have them add some length, making it a tea length sort of affair. But... what color?!

And this one's almost a definite. Kim and I both really and truly loved it. And it just so happened that they had it in the exact color of the fabric that I'd want it in - fern satin. Sadly, they had it one size too small. But you get the idea - here we don't have it zipped up all the way, so it fits pretty much how it would in the proper size but zipped up (I hope). I tried the size above what I should've had as well, and I was swimming in it! They really mean it when they say that this dress has "extra room".

Take me to the prom - now! This dress fit me unbelievably well. I mean, it was strapless! And it fit me at all! Not only did it not feel like it was going to fall down, but it was also quite comfortable. Alas, it was way too formal for rehearsal dinner type stuff, but not nearly enough to be a wedding dress. So somebody had better figure out what fancy soirée they're taking me to, because this dress is hot. Or is that me? Ha!

Alright people, now here we go. This is the big stuff, the real deal.

This here is what you call "the dress". You know. The big one. Literally, with the petticoat and all. This is the one I had big hopes for before the trip. And as it turns out, I look pretty great in it after all. (Is this where I should pull out the IMHO?) Of course, since they're marketing it as a wedding dress they only had it in white. So you'll have to use your imagination to see it in the cornflower with the horizon sash instead of the white with the dark blue sash. But I think you can do it. Especially since I've given you some visual aids a couple of pictures down.

Yeah, I gotta lotta hair at this point. That was the intention - I've been "growing it for the wedding" for well over a year now.

Yes ma, you can see my tattoos. What ever will the ladies at bridge club think?!

See? Blue! Such lovely blue. Matches my ring.

I'm thinking I'll go with a darker blue dress with a lighter blue sash, like this. But there's a possibility that I'll do the cornflower dress with an indigo sash - indigo being somewhere in the neighborhood of navy. And a vague, slight possibility that I'll go with a horizon dress with a cornflower sash. But I just don't feel like the horizon is enough color. I want COLOR! We shall see. I have time.

So there you have it, my Aria dress shopping experience. If you're looking for the kind of dresses they offer - simple classic styles at affordable prices in a range of fabrics and colors - then I highly recommend them! Even if you can't get to one of their locations, you can do their try on at home thing. The dresses are very true to size - I am a 12 and I wear a 12 in their dresses, not a 14 or a 16 like in so many brands. (Why, WHY do they all want to make brides feel enormous, as if they've blown up two or more sizes over night? It's just cruel!) The dresses that claim to have "extra room" really do, and the #171 empire babydoll likely needs to be ordered a full size smaller than your usual. (I really was swimming in a 12 in that one - it was shocking. I'll be ordering it in a 10.)

I still have to go dress shopping with my mom, which Kim thinks is a wretched idea but I think might be alright, particularly now that I have my safety dress. The dress that I know fits, that I know I could be really truly happy with. Because it's gorgeous, and makes me feel a little bit like a princess. Did I have that magical, mythical moment? I'm not so sure that I'm one of the girls that has those. What I know, though, is that after I took it off I wanted to put it back on, petticoat and all. That's gotta mean something, right?

I think it does.

At any rate, we're now much closer to having proper wedding armor. And now, I must figure out what to do about shoes...!

I'm absurd.

2009-07-20T11:53:00.002-04:00

Absurd is my new word, mysteriously supplanting "ridiculous" for the time being. Anyway, dress shopping was fabulous. Aria is my new favorite company ever. Soon I plan to do a full post with many pictures of me in dresses, but for now I'll just say that the experience that I was terrified to have ended up being the most non-threatening, fun, exciting thing I've done yet for this wedding. Better than cake tasting. (Did you hear that people? At the cake tastings, I got to eat cake. And this was better.) So yeah, I still have to do the trip with my mom, that my dear old friend Kim thinks is the worst idea ever (and she's probly right). But I really truly doubt that I'll find anything I love more than what I found at Aria. Because I LOVE it! This girl might just make it to the proverbial chapel yet.

Terribly nervous.

2009-07-17T16:10:00.004-04:00

I wasn't at all until yesterday. Then I started having mini panics about undergarments, and it's been all downhill since then. I've entertained thoughts like, people would be mad if I just called off the whole thing, right? I mean, I didn't go to prom because I couldn't find a dress, so...

This, however, is not prom.

Way, way more people will be looking at me, and many more pictures will be taken. Oh, the pictures.

Recall, now, that tomorrow morning I get on a train to go down to D.C. to try on dresses. Naturally I'm overreacting to this situation. (I've often been told that you only should do what you know how to do well.) But really, have I ever been a fancy dress girl? No. Do clothes tend to fit me well? No. Do I have any freaking idea how to do this? No!

But then, I want me a pretty dress. And... don't tell Jonathan, but I might want a yellow pretty dress. shhhhh.

Aarg. I'm sure it will be fine. It will be fine, right? I've got myself convinced that they won't have any dresses in my size. (Did you know that I'm actually Gigantor?) I'm convinced that they won't have any dresses in the fabrics that I want to look at. I'm convinced of many things, for no reason other than that I have some sort of biological need to psych myself out.

Seriously, it's a dress shop. How am I more intimidated by this than by the New York State Supreme Court?

Well, at the Court they've never made me take my clothes off. (Yet.)

Long, LONG overdue update.

2009-07-08T15:18:00.004-04:00

So, you may be interested to know that I am indeed wearing my ring. Yepper. Have been for a couple of weeks now - I'm just a big dumb jerk that never tells y'all anything anymore. (Or that works 50 hours a week - you decide. Of course, I'm stealing work time to write this.) So how, prey tell, did the glittery thing return, you ask? Well I'd already decided that there was no way I'd face my mother in August without it. So thank goodness he didn't make me just steal the damn thing off his desk.

No, he gave it back all on his own. It was on the first day of summer - or, I guess technically, the day before that. We had planned to go to the Mermaid Parade in Coney Island, which is where he had wanted to do it apparently. But up by us it was drizzling and dreary, and down there on the Brooklyn coast it was pouring rain punctuated with lightning strikes and thunder. So we decided to wander through the more gentle rains of Central Park instead.

We held hands beneath our umbrellas and watched brass animals dance around the clock of the zoo. (No ring.) We saw the clouds part to allow a momentary sunbeam to shine down upon the angel fountain on the plaza next to the boat pond. (No ring.) We had a makeshift picknic, huddled at the outdoor tables next to the little pool where sometimes fathers and sons can be found sailing elaborate toy sailboats, but that day only held disgruntled ducks. (No ring.) We wandered up to and through The Met, which has just re-opened it's Greek and Roman wing, bigger and better. (No ring.) And finally we straggled off to dinner at Gobo.

And then, suddenly, ring! He said to me, I really think you should have this back. I said to him, what does it mean? It means what it always meant. Which is? That I want to marry you. He asked if that made me happy. I told him that the ring was very sparkly and beautiful; that it was being a step closer to knowing that he actually wants me as his wife that makes me happy.

That's round about when the waiter brought champagne. (He had noticed the sparkly ring.)

So there ya go. We're plugging away on our New Orleans plans; I'm focusing on how to (vegan-ly) feed people at the moment. It's gonna happen. Really!

Yeah. It's really gonna happen - all of it.

New post...

2009-07-07T13:26:00.002-04:00

on the Vegan Etsy blog - part two in the "Vegan Wedding" saga.

Check it out.

Forget-me-not.

2009-06-28T18:33:00.004-04:00

I have so many things to tell you. Like that I got my ring back. But today I'm tired, and a little sad, and I wrote a poem. Which is something I don't do very often. And it goes like this.

Forget me not
When you grow tired of me;
When dappled cheery sunlight falls to shadow,
And I am mixed instead among the ferns and stones.
Forget me not
When I grow weak and weary,
When bones groan more plaintively
Than Grandmother's rocking chair.
Forget me not
When my blue wedding dress has turned a
Faded yellow-gray,
When words stop pouring for pain of pointing pen.
Because "till death do us"
Means till the sweet, or bitter,
End.

And somehow, I'm still not wearing a ring.

2009-05-31T18:39:00.003-04:00

Yeah, we're still planning a wedding in New Orleans. Jonathan doesn't seem to be heding away from this one; I think this is the right idea. I hope.

Plans are pretty much in full swing, actually, to the extent that this version of the wedding event this far out can be planned. My mother did really go out to the park last Tuesday and put down cash on the barrelhead to reserve us the Peristyle. I use the term "reserve" loosely, of course; it's not as if the park is going to do anything to indicate to anyone that the space is being used for an event on that given Saturday. It simply means that we have the right to tell people to scat should they get in the way, and that if they won't we can call park security... who will show up eventually, I'm sure.

We're looking at photographers, and we think we've settled on Marc Pagani Photography. This item is the biggest outlay by far, so we want someone really good. We'll probably actually be using his top associate, Scott Myers, rather than Marc himself.

I've redesigned the invitations, and I've been looking for printers. For whatever reason, the girl that I'd been using before has completely flaked on me. And truth be told, she was always a little bit flaky. Well, I'm not going to beg anyone to let me pay them a few hundred bucks, so the search began anew. I'm excited about the new potential printer I've found - she's a zine maker! Anyway, more on that if it evolves into a real deal.

As far as the save-the-dates, those of course have been redesigned as well. I've ordered a rubber stamp with the design; we'll see how that turns out. It may or may not be acceptable. Hopefully it is, and I can "print" them myself on the billions of 3.5" x 5" cards that I've already bought.

We've emailed a limo company in New Orleans; they never wrote back so I s'pose I'll have to call them. We want the '56 Bentley. Just for me and Jon, and just for us to arrive to the ceremony in and leave from the ceremony in... and maybe, just maybe, arrive to the party in, depending on price. Who knows; maybe it's worth it to have a driver for the day.

As far as food, there's only so much we can figure out ten months in advance. We're not having caterers, and we have a good idea of what restaurants we'd like to get trays of food from. The big things left to figure out are where we can get vegan dessert items, if we can get a vegan cake, and where to have lunch after the ceremony. These things will largely be addressed when we're in town in August.

So, uh, what's left? Well there's flowers. My mom cares about them, apparently. She wants to decorate the house. I told her power to ya; use ranunculus and dogwood, cuz those are our flowers. She asked about my bouquet, and I told her that I'd already ordered it - because it's silk. I think she tried to jump through the phone. "Silk!?" Yes mother dear, and what ever are the ladies at the country club to think? Why they'll be aghast, simply aghast...

And then there's the minister, or as Jon likes to say the preacher. The more I think about it the more I know that, since the ceremony will only involve the tiny group of us, it's not going to feel "real" to me if we don't have it done by a "real" minister. We've found one guy who will do it for about two hundred bucks. No problem, says I. I'm going to look around for a minute for other officiants though, just to see what's out there really.

Oh, and then there's the dress. I've got my eye on one from Aria - they finally started doing a ball gown style and it's just to die for. I may be heading down to DC in July to hit up the showroom and see how these dresses look on me, as opposed to the size zero models on the website. But I can't make any decisions, because I've promised mommy dearest that we'll go shopping together when I come down in August. Thankfully, my darling Monica may be coming to town at the same time and able to join us. Either way, I'm going to need a stiff drink afterward.

The rings? We been done havin' those. There's Jonathan's suit, but that's his deal. He'll worry about it when he sees fit.

So yeah, I guess that's the big stuff. There are, of course, a thousand and one details. Where will we set up food at my parents' house, and where will the guest book go? Oh, right, and what the hell am I doing for a guest book? I've got some ideas, but they haven't really gelled. And then, what about the out-of-towners? Gotta find a hotel to suggest. Can I get a good rate for them? Am I making gift baskets? Do I need to make map cards so they know how to get to the party?

The more I think about it, the more this doesn't feel like a small wedding at all. But then, is any wedding ever really small? I mean, it always ends up with two people getting married, right? Which if it's being done for any of the right reasons is always fairly huge.

I'm having a pessimistic day today, in general. So all I can think about the wedding is that I want more to be established, and that my hands are tied in having any more details set until the date is nearer. I'm also being utterly plagued by the feeling that, well, I've done this all before... and that it didn't go so well that time. Need I tell you that it's not a good feeling?

I keep having the urge to talk to my mom. I've been fighting it down, because she makes me feel worse about five times more often than she makes me feel better. Right now she's excited and happy about the wedding plans, and if I brought all this doubt and fear and frustration to her I feel like I'd just be tainting the well. My relationship with my parents is too fragile, not to mention too crucial to this event now, for me to risk it. But... but... she's my mom. If you can't talk about your wedding fears with your mom, who can you talk to? I guess this is why I have a therapist.

The stupid truth of all of this is that I shouldn't even be thinking about the wedding right now. I am quite limited in what more I decide for this thing, at least until our trip in August, on top of which I have approximately a million other things I should be paying attention to. Work is insane, both of my Etsy shops are languishing, and I just signed up to table at a zine fest in less than a month - not to mention that we haven't finished unpacking, we still need to buy furniture, and I haven't really addressed needing to move out of my studio and get it rented. And yet, I can't seem to put down the bridal fever. It's like a disease. Oddly, despite its level of complication, thinking about the wedding is easier than dealing with some other things that are going on.

And finally: green dress or blue dress? Please submit your vote via comments.

How do two vegans get married? Apparently they do it in New Orleans.

2009-05-24T17:07:00.011-04:00

Yeah, really. When they're us, anyway. Luckily for the world, very few people are quite as discombobulated as we are - it took us over a year to realize that we should just get hitched in the closest thing I have to a home town.

This does not seem to be yet another far fetched dream or pie in the sky plan on my part - I believe this one to be both fo-real and mutual - that is, both me and my intended feel that it's a good plan. And when it comes to weddings, believe me when I tell you that mutual really is the best way.

So what is this crazy new plan of ours? It's pretty simple - simple being another good feature of weddings, I've discovered. I believe I outlined it in my last post maybe. The two of us, our two sets of parents and my sister, our two witnesses, and possibly an official officiant will do a short ceremony somewhere in City Park. Where in City Park? We're hoping for the Peristyle; I'm sending my ma over there next week to try to secure it. The park staff is wildly unhelpful and you can't do pretty much anything over the phone or internet; you have to show up, money in hand in full, to reserve.

And what, you ask, is the Peristyle? My grandpa's band used to play for dances there, I used to call it the lion pavilion, and it looks like this.

It's a large structure bordered by water on one side, which makes it somewhat hard to get a good shot of. I'm going to try to get my own pictures when we go down in August. (Yeah, we're going to New Orleans in August - what of it?) But you get the idea. Big ol' pretty ol' neo-classical dancing pavilion, guarded by giant stone lions, built in 1907. In my opinion, freaking awesome. Rental for a whole day? $475 plus a refundable $100 trash deposit. A-yup.

So yeah. Short ceremony with very small intimate group hopefully at the peristyle (it has a roof!), definitely somewhere in the park; then the same small group will travel to a lunch/brunch type meal. Me and Jonathan are probably going to rent a fancy vintage limo! Yeah, like a Bentley or something. Because now we'll be in a city where we need cars, and how weird does it feel to get married and then drive yourselves away in a rental Toyota Corolla? Anti-climactic, no? So we'll probably hire us a fancy and/or schmancy car, just to take us to the ceremony, from the ceremony to the brunch, and then from there back to the hotel. We deserve a little frill, don't we?

Alright, so where will we have this lunch/brunch? Here comes the first in what is sure to be a very long line of "what the hell are the vegans to eat in the city of meat and seafood" questions. Yes, there is now an all-vegetarian restaurant in New Orleans. Will it still be open next March? Well, I definitely hope so. Can I plan on it? Probably not. No offense to them; just that restaurants flicker in and out faster than lightbulbs in that town. I'm also not sure what the place is like, or whether they can even seat a group of ten. I know the space, and it's somewhat small and convoluted.

It will likely end up being a situation where we convince some very-non-vegetarian restaurant ahead of time that it's worth making two vegan meals for the party of ten. Fun! Will I try to convince them to make us all a special vegan (or at least vegetarian) brunch? Yes, yes I will. Let's just say I'm not holding my breath.

Then we, uh, rest. Jonathan and I will need some quality time to ourselves to digest the whole "we're now husband and wife" thing... and to be the hell away from our parents. There's a threshold, you know. I'll likely also need a minute out of my fancy dress and shoes. Because yes, there will be fancy dress. And yes, there will be fancy shoes. And yes, I'll choose the most comfortable of these items that I can that still allow me to look fabulous. And no, it won't make a damn bit of difference, because heels are heels, and after about two hours you have to take those f*ckers off!

And then, in the eveningtime, the party. Before I discussed this plan with my parents yesterday, I'd been possessed with an idea that truly surprised me when I had it: to have the party at their house. For those of you who don't know me, you just have no concept of how weird that is. Just trust me, we're talking twilight zone, outer limits stuff here. Well, when I got on the phone with mama yesterday morning she suggested it before I could even ask. (Whew.) So it will be - party at the folks'.

This will not be any kind of huge party. It's just so that we can invite some friends, and my mom can invite some family (and some friends). For this portion of the day, food will be much easier to control. We won't be doing any kind of sit down dinner - there will be plenty of food, but just trays of it everywhere. For that, we really hope the vegetarian restaurant is still open and still offering catering trays! We'll probably also get some nice bits from Mona's, my favorite middle eastern restaurant in the world. Best babaganouj and grape leaves evah, here I come.

The main problem we run into is dessert - the only possibilities for vegan baked goods are 1) Whole Foods or 2) baking them ourselves. I may enlist my darling friends Thomas and Roseann to attempt the latter with some awesome cupcakes; both have shown some success in that realm. And I can probably get some awesome cookies ordered from various Vegan Etsy team members. Cake, though, is another matter. I don't want to tie myself into doing anything that involved or time-intensive as I'll be rather busy and stressed. I'm also not thrilled about the idea of supporting Whole Foods - part of why I'm excited about the New Orleans plan is that I love the idea of putting some money into the local businesses there. But there's still plenty of time to decide what to do; we can always explore options during the August visit.

So, anyway, we'll decorate my parents' backyard will all that crap I'd already bought to decorate The Foundry with - I have string lights and votive candles galore. It's a gorgeous backyard - it doesn't need much help. My mom has a friend who apparently knows about florals - I've told her my flowers are ranunculus and dogwood. Dogwood, yes, is the new wedding flower - a nod to Jonathan's Virginia-ness, and the fact that I love them (and have them tattooed all over me). Mom doesn't know about the tattoos yet. She'll find out soon enough.

And that's it. A ceremony, a brunch, a party. A wedding day. Depending on various factors like the hotel we stay in, what we decide about what to wear, how much liquor we decide we need, and so on, the total bill will fall somewhere between $5 and $10k, and my parents are so damn excited that we've decided to do it on their turf that it sounds like they'll be footing the majority. We haven't broken it to Jon's parents yet; they're actually not in the country at the moment. We think they'll be happy though; New Orleans is much more their pace than New York is, and I don't think they understood the money we were looking at trying to do things here. They'll just be happing that we're really for truly doing it - a point that was a bit fuzzy for a while there, to say the least.

It's all so much more reasonable and so much less stressful than what we'd tried to do here in NYC. I love this town, but damn, it ain't cheap. I'd love to do something this small and laid back here, but it's not really feasible in a place with no family, no friends that own houses, no nothing. This is more or less "plan 2", the Central Park plus dinner plan, plus a nice party for us. It's the 'nice party' part that makes it feel like a real event, and the part that we couldn't swing here without a very significant layout.

We're excited about the new plan. Yep, we. As in both of us. I called my parents and told them all about it because Jonathan told me to. How ya like that? (I like it plenty.) Until I started thinking of a New Orleans wedding, I had no idea how meaningful it would be to me. But once I allowed the possibility, it was as if the flood gates had been opened. (Pardon the pun, but hey, I'm allowed.) The best part? We get to keep the old date, good ol' March 20th, 2010, the vernal equinox - which means we can still used the match boxes we had printed! This, also, is something that Jonathan figured out. I do love that boy so.

Someone on our block plays piano, and someone on our block apparently plays clarinet. It may or may not be the same someone. I'm not talking kids practicing here; I'm talking about professional adult playing. I turned off my music so as to better listen to the clarinet practicing "flight of the bumble bee" that's going on this evening. This is what has replaced the karaoke parties and endless child's practice on the recorder of "hot cross buns" from our old building.

Yes loves, things are good.

But ah, life it is the unpredictableness. So I'll evoke my old plea: keep your fingers crossed for us?

Maybe I'm... not stupid?

2009-05-20T16:07:00.004-04:00

And we plod along in our doofy way. We've successfully moved into the much larger new apartment. We're nowhere near finished unpacking - we actually can't finish unpacking until we buy some new furniture. Two whole rooms of the new place remain unfurnished! It's kind of ridiculous. And then there's the issue of my studio, which I can't even begin to contemplate. Blegh.

Last weekend was our anniversary. At which point I thought I was going to get my ring back... and didn't. Honestly, we're just terrible at this. It was a mess of miscommunication. It seems like if I don't tell him exactly how and what and where, he's paralyzed. But if I do, it's miserable for him and then for both of us. So then what? But I'm so bad at waiting.

So you wanna hear the really funny part? Of course you do. We're talking about a wedding again. And we're talking about having it in New Orleans. A-yup. It's actually the most practical plan we've come up with yet. And I don't mean we're talking about it as in I'm trying to convince him; I mean he really thinks it's a good idea!

It would be a simple, day-long affair: late morning ceremony in the park, involving about ten people (us, the parents, the witnesses, my sister, possibly an officiant if we can't get my sis registered); then brunch/lunch with the same ten people. Then, in the evening after resting, a party for a larger audience - extended family and a larger group of friends.

And I'm really excited about it. I'm scared to be excited about it, of course. (The word would actually be terrified.) It will have to be solidly the plan for at least a month or two before I believe it's really happening, and even then I'll be skeptical. How could I not be, at this point? This is plan three. Maybe third time's the charm?

Yeah, I'm that stupid.

2009-04-17T23:51:00.002-04:00

I'm starting to have wedding-like thoughts again. He still says we're engaged, though he hasn't brought himself to propose in his own way yet and I'm still not wearing the ring or any ring.

It's all just so damn complicated.

But finding out that New Orleans now has an all vegetarian restaurant with lots of vegan options, and reading a book about Louisiana, makes me long to try to have a wedding there... I dreamed of it for so long. In the sculpture garden next to NOMA, or hell, anywhere else in City Park for that matter, under the huge live oaks full of spanish moss and tiny white lights twinkling everywhere...

I know.

I know.

I know.

But I just can't help it. Damnit, I just can't help it.

Adrift.

2009-03-13T00:25:00.002-04:00

Today I wrote to the company that made the engagement ring, to see if maybe it can be returned for a partial refund.

I don't know how much longer I can wait for him.

Office = torture.

2009-03-06T13:16:00.003-05:00

I work in an office full of young people establishing their lives. And what does that translate to in the genre of engagements and weddings? Well let's see. One paralegal just moved in with her longtime boyfriend, one of the attorneys is ring shopping and dragging every woman in the office in for opinions because he's so damn nervous about picking the right ring, and two other paralegals (who are both gorgeous, and are good friends) have gotten engaged in the past two months. There's also the attorney who sits directly across the hall from me who's now four going on five month preggers.

Yes, I'm surrounded by happy and prosperous people, whose lives are proceeding beautifully, whose relationships are keeping pace. They parade around showing off sparkly rings and bulging bellies and smiling faces, trading anecdotes and war stories about finding the perfect dress, tasting cake, debating baby names, worrying about where to buy a co-op, picking out the perfect invitations and announcements. And they all deserve to be happy, and it's great for them.

And every time I have to listen to it I want to hide in the bathroom and cry.

But of course, there's no privacy in the bathroom. Three stalls for thirty women? It never stays cleared for long.

The fact is that I've only lost something that I never had. And I can't figure out why that is so often the case in my life. Maybe I'm just that thoroughly delusional.

Today at lunch the two affianced girls were talking about their upcoming engagement parties. And first I thought, yeah, I'm not engaged anymore. And they I remembered, no one was going to throw us an engagement party anyway. I know that sounds like I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and I probably am, but it doesn't change the fact. There only would have been an engagement party if we'd thrown it for ourselves, and - really? Let's be honest - if I'd thrown it. It wasn't going to come from our family or friends - that encompasses a group of people who didn't actually find it necessary to even send a note. Hell, several of them didn't even say congratulations.

I, of course, am blaming myself for that. It's because I got engaged "wrong". Because I talked about it too much beforehand, or announced it improperly. And then the darker side of my brain chimes in: no, it's just because they knew it wasn't real. How could it have been? You're not the kind of girl these things happen to.

What I wish most of all at this point is that I could be different. Because I'm beginning to think that the only answer is to stop wanting all of this.

Maybe I should just face the fact that I'm probably not getting married.

2009-02-16T00:41:00.003-05:00

Not to Jonathan, and not to anyone else. Maybe I was so afraid that I created a self-fulfilling prophesy. Or maybe I've just been right all these years. But either way, I just don't believe that it's actually going to happen.

Why not? Well let's see. I'm 31 years old, and the only time I've even gotten close to believing it could happen was when I twisted Jonathan's arm so tightly that I damn near broke it. And where is that situation now? Well let's see. We've given up the venue, canceled the invitations, scrapped the idea of having any kind of celebration for it, and I'm no longer wearing an engagement ring. Uh... yeah. Call me a skeptic, but I just don't think I'm becoming a Mrs. anything any time soon.

No, not a wife. Just a burden and a laughing stock. Something to pity, perhaps, or to scoff at.

Who was I ever kidding? I barely ever even fooled myself. Talk about wishful thinking.

Wedding, or lack thereof.

2008-12-30T14:58:00.000-05:00

So yeah, the "wedding" is no longer. Still getting married though, fo sho. I'm pretty sure that part matters more. What we're envisioning now is, basically, exactly what I've been saying I didn't want to do. We'll have a very simple ceremony, probably in the park somewheres (for which you don't need a permit unless it's more than 20 people, which it won't be), and then we'll go to dinner. But - and this is the clincher - we've tacked an extra bit onto the end. The day after the ceremony, we'll leave for a week's vacation. You could call it a honeymoon I suppose, but we're not really thinking of it like that. We'll go somewhere from Sunday to Friday, and that somewhere will likely be Boston. We'll stay in a nice hotel or a bed-and-breakfast, and we'll eat wherever we want to, and we'll shop. We'll spend way more money than we usually would on such a trip. And in the end, we'll still end up spending maybe a fifth to a quarter of what we were going to spend on the original wedding.

Outside of saving a significant amount of money, there are other benefits as well. It shifts the focus away from throwing a big party that's really for other people, and moves it more toward the event of our union. It also removes an immense amount of work and stress from me / us. Starting a marriage by doing something hugely expensive and taxing - where is the wisdom in that? If it wasn't so hard for us to do - for instance, if there was a lovely catering hall that we could walk into, choose a few options for a vegan buffet, pick out two kinds of flowers, and hand over $5k for the whole shebang, well sure. We'd wedding the night away, we'd wedding out little hearts out... maybe. But it just isn't like that. Not only would a catering hall kind of wedding cost way more than that anyway, but it would also just feel like it was for someone else - cookie cutter we ain't. I just can't see it working.

So it really isn't only about the money. Of course it's a huge factor, but if it was the only issue we would figure something out. The fact is that we've both had reservations from the start about the whole thing. There are problems on every level, from timing to social and family relations stuff to having to defend our decisions about what "traditions" to ignore to the hardly anticipated food difficulties to finding appropriate attire for ourselves and the wedding party... It just shouldn't be so hard. It became a question of, what are we fighting for? (Answer: something we don't really want to deal with.) What our we fighting against? (Ourselves, our financial status, and our current living situation.) In the end, I think this is much more realistic, and will be less stressful and as such more enjoyable. Party or not, we will still be married as of March 20th, 2010 - emerging from this little cocoon of engagement as fully formed husband and wife. And without the stress of trying to plan a wedding to get it done, we're pretty psyched about it.

I think the wedding that I was putting together would have been beautiful, and honestly I think I would make a pretty good wedding planner. With the details being less personal, I could be less obsessive - plus I'd be working with other people's money, which is always a plus. I've thought of putting myself out into the world as a strictly vegan wedding planner - as far as I can tell there aren't any, even in New York. I thought my own wedding would be good practice. Ah well, at least in the planning that I did do, I learned a lot. I know, for instance, what venues will allow you to bring in your own caters, and which ones have on site kitchens, and which caterers don't bother to return your emails when you mention "vegan" and "low guest count" in the same request. I know who will and won't attempt to make a vegan cake. At some point, hopefully soon, I'll compile this info into either one post or a collection of posts, for anyone who might want to do this crazy thing called a vegan wedding - and actually has the will and the funds to follow it through. (Well, in New York at least.)

I'll keep posting here as the details of our small ceremony and post-wedding trip come into focus. Who knows, plans may change again - but this is not just another waffle. I've jumped the fence, and I'm not going back. I don't want to work on a wedding. I want to work on a marriage. And now I have the time and energy to do it.

Boxing Day.

2008-12-28T14:02:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what it is about December 26th. Perhaps it's 'December 26th With Jonathan'. Perhaps it's 'December 26th In Jonathan's Parents' House'. Perhaps it's 'December 26th In the Woods'. But any way about it, two years in a row now, on that day, we've had major relationship blowouts.

Last year, it went something like so. We'd spent days on end hanging out with his immediate and extended family. I'd been baking in the kitchen with his mother. I had essentially been doing whatever I could to carve out a place for myself within his family... and then my brain short-circuited, when I remembered the conversations we'd had in which he'd told me that he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to get married (i.e., actually make me a part of his family). Obviously this little revelation of mine was followed by the knock-down drag-out of the year - the "why the hell are you parading me around like a puppet in front of your whole damn family when you never intend to actually make a commitment to me anyway" argument. Fun times. And we didn't so much resolve that fight as it came to a sudden halt when he had to go with his parents to see his great Aunt Tillie, who had landed herself in the hospital on Christmas night.

I didn't go into town with them; I wasn't really in the mindset to be partaking in "family" events. We told his parents that I wasn't feeling well, and off they sped down the winding country roads in his mother's Lincoln Continental leaving me alone in the big house in the woods. Of course, within twenty minutes I was wracked with guilt about sending him off to the hospital and refusing to accompany him, so I did the only thing I could think of: I cooked. I cooked a huge meal for everybody, and then I scoured the kitchen from top to bottom. They didn't return for many hours, and when they did I learned that Aunt Tillie had passed away before they'd even gotten into town

Well, Jonathan's parents retired to their bedroom to collect themselves, and Jonathan joined me in the living room. I apologized for sending him off to deal with his family without my support, but he wasn't upset. Instead, he laughed. He said, "I've been spending time with my family. And I feel bad for you - I'm gonna make you one of these people." Well then. I looked up at him and told him he shouldn't say things like that; it wasn't fair to tease. And he replied that he wasn't teasing, was perfectly serious; he'd realized that he did want to marry me after all. Eventually, at least. I've been in various stages of wedding-crazy ever since.

This of course was not the engagement moment. That took a while. but it was a major turning point. What we've struggled with all along is his preconceived notions of "marriage" - that somehow the minute we get married we have to move to some awful house in the suburbs, buy a Subaru mini-van (do they even make those?), and start popping out kids. We've had many talks about this. I explain to him that, since neither one of us want that sort of life, it's not very likely that it will happen. It's not as if there's some sort of brainwashing that goes on during the ceremony, some subliminal messaging worked into the minister's spiel indoctrinating the new couple with fixations of white picket fences and 45 minute commutes. Usually by the end of the conversation he understands that "marriage", as seen on TV and elsewheres, has little to no bearing on what a marriage between he and I would be. But, somehow, after a month or so he forgets, and then we have to do it all over again.

As you may imagine, all this wedding stuff has not helped. Each level of expense and complication has pushed us that much further away from a marriage for us, and more toward trying to do things the way other people do. Because even though the wedding and the marriage are two separate animals, one is a sort of symbol of the other. I have a distinct feeling that the wedding has become ever increasingly a symbol for Jonathan of the kind of marriage that he does not want. This has been a major factor in all of my waffling on whether or not to even have a wedding.

But, to the instant event. We went into this long vacation trip with the intention of talking to both sets of parents about the financial standing of the wedding. After discovering that every penny of my parents' funds are invested in the stock market, I have become extremely reluctant to take anything from them until things become more stable in that arena. So we'd resolved to see if his parents wanted to contribute anything, and then see where we stood. We didn't want to bring it up on x-mas day, when we were arriving to their house, so we figured we'd wait for it to come up semi-naturally in the days following.

Well, the first wrench in the works was thrown within two hours of our arrival. We learned that his parents, who are now retired, have planned two rather extravagant vacations to take place within the next six months. Now, these are people who live very frugally, but have done relatively well for themselves and so every now and then like to take off to Europe. They're the kind that have worked for every penny that they have - in a very real way they are living out the classic "American Dream". It's almost spooky. Anyway, knowing that those trips would be a significant outlay for them, I started to have doubts that it was at all an appropriate time to be asking for large sums. My real fear, even, was that they would cancel one of the trips to be able to give us what we needed. It's the sort of thing they'd do, and they'd do it without even telling us that they were doing it. That's just not something that I could stomach, especially not for something that is, let's face it, a party.

OK. So the next night, the 26th. The day. Perhaps some quirk of astronomical alignment? Hard to say. Honestly though, it's not that hard to understand - here we are, sitting in the beautiful retirement home of two happily married people who have, more or less, gotten everything they wanted out of their lives, while we meanwhile are in our 30's, still not yet married, have no idea where we'll actually settle down, don't know when or where or how or if we'll ever raise any kids... Of everything I ever have wanted out of life - partner, career, artistic success, motherhood - I have only begun to achieve the first one. And this partner of mine seems to go through waves of wanting to stay in the exact same place forever, literally and figuratively. And so, this time my frizzling took a different focus, the 'when are we leaving New York City and where are we going when we do' focus.

Now we've had this discussion before. He gets in this "I want to live in New York forever" mindset. And then I have to ask, you want to stand out on exposed subway platforms in the rain forever? You want to throw money into the ever-deepening rent hole forever? You never want to own a house? You never want to have a dog? And, oh yeah, what about the fact that I don't want to live here forever? Shouldn't that be a factor? We talk about owning our own house and having a dog like every day. These are fairly basic things that both of us want, that are all but impossible here (prohibitive cost-wise and space/time-wise, respectively). If we are ever to have them, a change must be made. Shouldn't we go into our marriage with a plan, rather than stumble blindly forward just hoping that we'll figure something out?

Well, this time the conversation went on for hours, and grew into something more. Much, much more. It in fact, after several hours, developed into "you don't actually want to get married". A statement which was ever so terrifyingly verified. Indeed, he ended up admitting that no, he did not actually want to get married. That he had ended up proposing because he knew I wouldn't stay in the relationship any longer unless he did so. Which, of course, was absolutely true. But I never, ever wanted to get married for that. It was "I need us to progress or we're over, because what's the point", not "do something you don't want to do or we're over." Getting married to someone who doesn't want to be married is number one on my list of Top Ten Ways to Ruin Your Life.

So that was it. In the wee hours of the morning of the 27th, Jonathan and I were un-engaged. I gave back the ring. I tried to sleep. It didn't work. I wanted to leave, to drive on to New Orleans without him and send him back to New York on his own. He wouldn't let me go. I tried to sleep some more. I managed about three hours.

By around 9am I couldn't stand it any more. I tried leaving the bedroom, but his parents were in the main part of the house and I couldn't stop crying. So I got in our rental car and listened to my ipod for an hour. Finally I just got tired of it, and went back into the room to make him talk to me some more. And, actually, to explain to him that I couldn't do it. That I couldn't be with him as my "boyfriend", that knowing he didn't want me to have his name made me nauseous, that I couldn't live with the knowledge every day that I just wasn't good enough. I wanted him to fly back to New York as soon as possible so that he could find an apartment.

Well, as you might imagine, he was having none of it. He loved me. He wanted to be with me. But people became something else when they got married, and he didn't want... that whole list of crap that neither one of us has ever wanted, and that I have never suggested that we get anywhere near. So, yes, we had that conversation again. I know you don't want "marriage". That's not the question. The question is, do you what what a marriage would be between you and me? Oddly enough, the answer to that entirely different question seems to be, yes.

And so, game on.

There has been one significant effect of this whole blowout though: the wedding is basically nixed. The feeling that it's insane to spend a year's salary (maybe not mine now, but more than mine was for many years and more than many people's) on one day's celebration has officially won out over the need to have a party. I'm not sure exactly what we will do, but the original plans are out. It makes me a bit sad, but what can be done? If we could do the whole thing for $10k, it would be a different story. With the way our lives are situated though, and with what we have (and don't have) at our disposal, we couldn't do it any more simply than we were doing it, and it was still way, way, way too much. So it goes.

The end product will involve a maximum of ten people we're guessing. And even if it is disappointing not to have a "real" wedding, it's also a world of weight off of my shoulders - putting together a wedding is a huge amount of work, especially when you insist upon being different.

So, marriage: on, wedding: off. And we forge onward.

Back and forth one million times.

2008-12-07T18:00:00.003-05:00

So we've been through another "should we even be having this wedding" freakout. It began when we got the initial quote from the caterer, that put our teeny tiny low key event at $260 a head. Uh... and the food will be made of what now? Ohhh, platinum plated tofu? And will be served by an all-star waitstaff of Ton Cruise, Toby Maguire, and Brad Pitt!? Well then! Oh, wait, no. It'll be a self-serve buffet, with food not plated with any precious or even semi-precious metals. Apparently this is just what it costs to have an event catered in this stupid town.

OK. So then we took a good look at everything there was left to spend, based on the smaller number that we'd like to get by with on catering. And all together it looked completely undoable, but when broken down between both sets of parents and us (essentially dividing by three), we thought we could swing it. This is of course making the bold assumption that my parents will ever come up with money that doesn't completely jeopardize the only retirement fund they have - a fund which is ever so brilliantly all invested in that bastion of stability known as the stock market.

But then we realized that we're not gonna get this thing catered with anything other than lukewarm soy nuggets on iceberg lettuce unless we shell out significantly more dough. And we dove right back into "what in god's name is possessing us to spend this much money one one day's worth of celebration anyway?" And that, certainly, is a valid question. Unfortunately it leads to a circular answer, which goes something like this:

We are getting married. And we want to celebrate the event of us getting married with other people, many of whom live out of state, because it's a very important event. And if we're bringing in people from out of state, we need to tell them to go somewhere and it needs to be somewhere relatively large so that they can all go there at once. We don't have any friends with houses or yards of property of any kind, and Central Park is too risky as far as weather and permits, so we'll have to rent or otherwise pay for a place for them to go. And if we're making them fly here and gather (and pay for New York hotel rooms), we have to feed them and give them alcohol. Doing this at a restaurant would feel cheesy, prevent us from having a ceremony with the majority of the people, and would still cost a significant amount of money. Doing it the way we've been planning to do it will let us share the ceremony and be appropriately nice, but will cost enormous amounts of money which frankly, plainly, we don't have. So maybe we shouldn't be trying to have that kind of wedding. But... but... we are getting married. And we want to celebrate...

Have we considered doing it elsewhere? Yes. But we would have to travel which would add to our costs and to our stress. And then, where? New Orleans isn't exactly cheap for events, and just try to find us a vegan or even a vegetarian caterer. Not to mention that, uh, that's where my parents live. So, you know, they'd be all up in my junk? And I'd, um, kill them? Yeah. Pulaski, Virginia - well, as soon as you find it on a map you just let me know. His parents don't even live in the bustling metropolis of Pulaski anymore either; they now live in White Gate. Among the Amish. You think I'm kidding, and I'm so not. Sure the mountains are beautiful, but it becomes quite a logistical problem. As in, no hotels, certainly no way to have it catered, and so on. And as far as doing it where neither one of us have lived nor have kin, well I think that would just be way too effing difficult to arrange.

In the end, I feel like an ass for wanting something I can't figure out how to pay for, and for even considering spending so much on what really is just one day, even if a very important thing happens on that day. I find it frustrating that even while we're cutting so many corners the price tag is still coming out at over $25k. I'm not getting a real dress. Not having any flowers. Not putting centerpieces on the tables. Our wedding bands cost under $200 (and are, incidentally, lost in the mail - but that's another story). There are no professional decorators, I designed all of the stationery and bought the pieces separately and on sale and will be assembling and addressing everything myself. We did splurge on a photographer, but she's not at the top of the pay spectrum by any stretch of the imagination, and we're not paying for videography. We have a guest list of 50, for chrissake. The venue we've rented was the cheapest we found in the whole city, except for a few which seemed cheap until we realized that they had required caterers, who in turn had required minimums of 150 heads... and so on. For the love of all things good in the world, I've even given up on having a cake.

So, ok, sure. It's a big party we're trying to throw. But compared to what's pushed as the "norm", it's barely even a wedding. So how, how, HOW the hell does it cost this freakin much? I've broken it down. I've got my little chart with all the numbers in plain black and white. But it's still just insane. No matter what I do, I can't make it make sense. And yet, we're getting married...

So now we're back to the part in the cycle where we try to make it happen - with every possible bit of extraneous fluff cut out. Not that there's a whole lot of fluff to cut. I'm now cutting things that I'm not even sure are cuttable. Over the extensive Christmas travels we'll be doing, we're going to talk to the parents and see where things stand. Maybe, come January, we'll know whether or not we'll actually be having a wedding that doesn't involve an American Legion hall.

So, we may have to postpone the wedding.

2008-11-25T19:49:00.003-05:00

We met with the caterer, and everything seemed awesome. And then, we got the quote from the caterer. And it's a theoretical quote, based on... actually we don't know what it's based on, because it includes next to no information. It says things like, "Necessary Equipment - $2516.13". Um, which necessary equipment and how much for each piece please? Obviously they have specific pieces and prices in mind or they wouldn't have come up with such a precise number, but for some reason they don't want to tell us what they are. That annoys me.

The grand total of the quote comes to almost thirteen thousand dollars - several thousand dollars beyond what we could possibly think about spending. Completely ridiculous, in fact, considering that we're basing estimates on 50 guests. So, yeah, we'll be needing more information.

I'm a little bit backed into a corner here, and for one main reason: this catering company is literally the only one I've found that will do an all-vegan meal for us. I'm kind of astounded by this. We're in freaking New York City, land of vegans. I feel like I must be missing something. And yet, in the dozens of hours I've spent on the internet, I can't turn up anyone else. So assuming that we're not just gonna break out a b-b-q pit on the terrace and have some veggie skewers and cans of peanuts, I've got to figure out a way to make things work with them.

So, why might we need to postpone? In a word, money. We don't have any, and we don't really have a way to get any. I'm working again, but even if I save every available penny between now and the wedding I'll have scraped up maybe $3000 - barely a drop in the bucket, really. As I've discussed, the whole my-parents-are-paying idea dropped right out the window. Jonathan could maybe ask his parents for money, but neither of us are terribly comfortable with that idea, and we're sure as hell not asking for as much as we actually need, because it's much too big a number.

The truth is that when we started on the whole wedding idea we really thought we could do it for significantly less money than it's coming out to. I truly wish that I'd be content with a ceremony at City Hall and then a fancy dinner for the parents and a few friends. I'd be disappointed with that and so would both mothers, and ultimately I think so would Jonathan. But I don't want to spend thirty thousand dollars on a party, even if that party does center around a very important event. It's ridiculous. For the entire first decade of my adult life I didn't accumulate that much money over the course of any one whole year, and now I'm going to spend it on one day? It's almost obscene when you think about it. At this point I really don't know what to do.

I have an ominous feeling that I will be made to rue the day that I ordered those damn personalized matchboxes...

Why I'm marrying him, part 2.

2008-11-11T18:30:00.003-05:00

Actually conversation exchanged between the two of us the other night:

* * *

"We don't need a limo for anything do we?" (me.)

"Um, I don't know... no, god, no, why would we need a limo?" (him.)

"I dunno, people do stuff with them I guess?" (me.)

* * *

I thought I might have been missing something. But I'm not missing anything at all.

Hook, Line, and Sinker-or-No, I really will NEVER learn.

2008-11-10T17:36:00.003-05:00

OK. So, back in June or whenever when we made the big announcement, we went into the restaurant with a plan of what would and would not be discussed. We also, of course, had a plan as to how we were going to handle the issue of money. But just leave it to my folks to blow decorum wide open. Jonathan's parents had barely had time to choke with excitement on their complimentary bread before my mother blurted out, "Well of course we're paying for everything!" Naturally I had no intentions of discussing finances at the announcement luncheon, so I hushed her as best I could - that is, her and my dad, who had immediately chimed in - until later that evening.

(In case you're wondering if I was mortified by this little outburst, well, a little bit - but I'll say that I've been my parents' daughter for a long, long time and if I had let that sort of thing get to me I would have had to stop leaving the house years ago. Also, if you're a friend of mine and have ever wondered why I've got that penchant for blurting out inappropriate things, well, here's your answer.)

Once safely out of earshot of people who know how to act, I explained to my parents that we weren't planning on letting them finance the wedding, that we were planning on paying for it ourselves. That we had in fact already started saving. They insisted, and I insisted, and they insisted, and I insisted, and they insisted, and finally I thought, what am I doing? We did have a plan for dealing with parentally offered monies: it was basically that they'd be taken, BUT: not for any specific items, and not with any (tangible) strings attached. Anything and everything was to flow through me exclusively - there would be no "mom sends a deposit to the caterer".

There's also the fact that, unlike while I was growing up, my parents now actually sort of have money. Not due to their own efforts or anything like that; my mom has inherited houses, stock portfolios, and lump sums from an entire generation of aunts and uncles to whom she is the only heir. So, they've got money, and it's only sort of theirs, and they want to give it to me: why should I feel guilty about that?

In such a way, we did manage to get the first installment. We've spent some of it - put the downpayment on our venue and have taken care of some smaller things like the champagne glasses and a deposit on the invitations. And we still have a decent chunk sitting in the wedding fund account, since as I said we had been saving.

Well, then there was this time where I went and didn't have a job for six months. It pretty much put an end to our own saving, and somehow during that time I relaxed from my "we're paying for it, and anything from them is extra" stance into something of the reverse.

In other words, I made the classic mistake that I have been making for my entire life: I trusted my parents.

Well, I should have know that that was gonna come back and bite me in the ass. Since I've been re-employed I've been thinking about how to start saving again... problem being that I built up a little bit of credit card debt in the last month or two of unemployment. Nothing terrible, mind you, but it's foolishness to save money at 2.75% interest when you're paying 18% interest on credit card balances.

Now, as I've been posting, we've been trucking along lately with our plans. We're booking our wonderful photographer Sarah Tew, we're still on the search for a cake baker, and just today we made an appointment to meet with a caterer at the end of next week. As such, I called up my mom to see when Wedding Fund Installment Number Two may be expected.

And, well, that's when it dropped.

This is when she revealed to me that the way they're getting the wedding funds is by - get this - LIQUIDATING STOCK. You know, the worst possible financial choice anyone can make at the moment? Yeah that. She has some sense, at least - enough to know that it isn't the best idea. She's all, "Well you know, we don't want to do it until you really need it. But just let me know when you do, it's no problem, you're only getting married once." Yeah right! As if I, in good conscience, can tell them to do that right now!

Even I, little miss Dow Jones Dunce 2008, can tell you that now is the time to be buying stock, not selling it. A few times, my mom has told me about how much money they've "lost" in the market plummets, and my response every time has been "no mom, you haven't lost a penny unless you sold all of your stock today." So now I'm going to turn around and tell her to sell stock? Uh... not terribly likely, is it?

So yes. I've done it to myself again. For the hundredth, thousandth, millionth time they fed me a really good, parental-sounding 'we'll take care of you' kind of story, and even though I shouldn't believe it I did. It's like college loans all over again, just on a much shorter time scale and without government subsidization.

Tonight me and the hubby-to-be will have to sit down and re-analyze. It's not that dire at the moment; with what we've still got we should be able to do the deposit for Sarah, as well as those for a caterer and a cake. That puts us in relatively good shape, assuming of course that we can start saving again REAL SOON, and pretty seriously. I'll just have to put the brakes on any other planning, even of small pieces. Which is irritating.

Of course this is all of my own making. I don't need to have a big fancy party to be married - that's something that I'm choosing. And I shouldn't have trusted my parents' promise of support for one single second. Money is the area where they are least dependable. I guess I convinced myself that maybe somehow now things were different, or that because it was my one and only wedding that... I don't know, that something. I'm just so astounded with myself that I fell for it again.

Man, do I know what my whole therapy session will be about this week.

Of rings and crinolines.

2008-11-09T21:14:00.006-05:00

So many decisions, made and in the makings! I've been back and forth on dresses about a hundred times, but I think I've really decided at least on the company I'm going with, and possibly on the style - though of course I haven't tried anything on. I keep coming back to Aria, and I'm thinking that must mean something. Right now I'm liking this one, but you're going to have to use your imagination with me - it will be light blue, the piping in the middle will be black, there will be a black double hem at the bottom, and it will be floor length... Oh, and I'm neither Asian nor model thin.

Got it? That'll be good, right? I mean, I've thought about much more poofy, wedding-dress-ey things. I found a really cool art deco number; I was even considering a kind of awesome Quinceanera dress. As recently as Friday I was half sold on this bridesmaid dress - despite the super awful model that happens to be wearing it and even though it's strapless. But in the end, while I think a lot of things are pretty, most of them just don't work for me. Standing next to Jonathan and being the girl I am, I'll look and feel right in a more simple dress with clean lines and colors that I tend to go near.

I am, for the record, terrified to wear white.

There are a couple of things I really like about this company:

1) They don't go through bridal showrooms. You order directly from them, and all prices are right there on the website. Such a relief from the labyrinth of mainstream dress designers. Siri was the other top-competing frontrunner, but I'll be damned if I can figure out how to buy one of their dresses. From what I can gather on their prices, they're also a good bit more expensive.

2) Their fabric choices are simple and straightforward, two of their fabrics don't involve silk in any way, and you can get any dress in any fabric.

3) You can also get any dress in either knee length or full length, so you could theoretically get your wedding dress in a full length white or ivory color and then have "your girls" get the same dress in knee length in a different color. I think that's neat. What most women seem to do with this site, which I also approve of, is have their girls pick whatever style they want and just dictate fabric/color. That way if you have several body types in your group not everybody has to try to conform to one cut - something truly unnerving for those of us who size in the double digits.

4) Since they also make accessories, I can get shawls, ties, and purses that will all coordinate perfectly with my dress and bring the wedding party together. My sister will be officiating, and she'll be getting a black dress from them. Should she end up choosing a style with any piping or trim, it'll be the same exact color as my dress is. How cool is that? (As for our two honor attendants, in case you're wondering, they're picking their own black knee length dresses. I don't think either of them is particularly interested in Aria, which is fine.)

So yeah, I'm going with Aria. All that remains is to confirm that that dress works on me. Unfortunately, they only have showrooms in Boston, D.C., and Cali. Fortunately, they have a 'try on at home' program - for about twenty bucks I can try on any dress I want in the safety of my own home. (It's $15 per dress, and then you are responsible for shipping back to them.) No horrible lighting, no rooms with fourteen mirrors, no crazed saleswomen breathing down my neck. YES. For me, this is a much more realistic option than that, which I witnessed full force about three years ago when a friend of mine got married and came up here for dress shopping. *shiver* It seems like an experience engineered to destroy self esteem, at a time when a girl needs more than ever to feel beautiful. I find it a bit perplexing.

As for dress shopping online, I will say that ebridalsuperstore.com and bestbridalprices.com seem to me by far the best resources. From the latter I have purchased nothing, but I did actually buy a dress from the former. I'm not sure quite what I'll do with it now that I don't think I'll be using it as my wedding dress; of course I'm not even sure that it will fit, or exactly what color it is. It was cheap and I was having a bad night... sometimes I'm too impulsive for my own good. It'll arrive sometime in December; at that point I can decide whether to keep it for, say, the rehearsal dinner, or sell it on Ebay.

In other news, we bought our wedding bands! Well, I should say we ordered them off the internet from crazy people in Salt Lake City. (Beware, there are some tacky, tacky, tacky things on this website mixed in with some good basics.) They're stainless steel and plain as the day is long, just like we wanted. They're actually quite like my parents' wedding bands, except not as wide, silver in color (my parents' were of course gold), and "comfort fit". Jonathan's will be 8mm wide and mine will be 4mm (as a point of reference, this pic is of one 9mm wide... and made for a giant). We're pretty excited about them. Jon might have to hide them from me to prevent me from trying mine on every day. I like shiny things.

So yes. Moving right along. I need to get out of my wedding fog and get focused on the novel that I'm supposed to have finished by the end of the month... yeah, you'll have to look at my other blog to hear about my NaNoWriMo insanities. For now, my loves, I bid you good evening.

Shutterbug.

2008-11-08T09:12:00.006-05:00

So amidst my wedding freakouts of the week, in an attempt to channel some of that energy, I endeavored to find a photographer. This has borne fruit rather quickly, or at least I hope it has.

A while back I had been referred to Dave Robbins, who takes amazingly gorgeous photographs but is completely out of our pricerange. I would totally suggest taking a look at him if you have about a gajillion dollars to spend on your wedding, and while your at it let Worker Bee Designs do the filming. The records of your day will be adorable, and I'm sure the trust fund won't mind the hit.

Jonathan and I, however, have no trust funds. We do have a little bitta cash though, and we want it to go to the right people. I decided to contact a girl named Sarah Tew who I had met during my open studios event last spring; she has a studio on the same floor of the same building where I have a studio. I wandered in through her open door that May day and was immediately intrigued: I loved her art, and liked her as a person - and then discovered that she does wedding photography to stay afloat.

I wasn't sure how professional she'd be, since in the context it felt like wedding photography was something she did on the side. But I thought what the hell, it can't hurt to ask, and sent an email inquiring as to prices and so forth. I got back a response immediately, with her 28 page color brochure of packages and custom options attached. Yeah, I think she's got the professional thing nailed. Apparently she's been doing the wedding photography thing pretty hardcore for about five years.

She also immediately confirmed that she's down with the kind of wedding I'm having and the kind of pictures I'll want of it - there will not be any glowey photos of my white satin pumps on a ream of lace... there of course won't be any white satin pumps either. There will be no shots of me gazing distantly out of a window, as if to look into my future. There may, however, be pictures of me and Jonathan sitting on a subway platform in our wedding clothes reading books...

We made an appointment for Friday, last night, so that we could make sure that the reality matched up to the fantasy. After our cake experiences, I didn't want to get my hopes up too high - she seemed just too good to be true! But they got up high anyway, because I have trouble staying on the ground with this kind of thing, and all the pieces just seemed to fit together so perfectly. Cakes are different than photographs - I had seen the kind of images this girl was capable of capturing, and the kidnapping of images is sort of my thing.

Anyway, we went to see her last night. I've been in her studio space before, so I knew what was coming there. It's nothing too fancy, but since I also rent in the building I have an idea of what she must be paying (and it ain't cheap). Since she'd had several wedding-type meetings that week, her walls were adorned with large prints of some of her best shots. I'd seen most of them on her website, but it's totally different to see them in person - even in enormous prints they were gorgeous.

So we sat down, and she had books and books and books for us to look through of her shots, which was fun. While we looked, we chatted - she's such a cool girl. I feel like she's someone we would hang out with. We mentioned that we'd like to get some albums, but that since we're vegan we don't want anything that involves any leather. Lo and behold, she reveals that she's a vegetarian! She doesn't want to offer leather, but there's just such a demand for it that she kind of has to. Well I can understand that. She also just got engaged this week - congrats Sarah! - so she has a renewed sort of energy about the whole wedding thing. Not that it didn't excite her before, cuz it did.

So we went through the options that we want as far as hours and albums and the hi res archival discs that she offers and so forth, and boom, done! We got ourselves a photographer! She did not want to take a deposit until we had done the whole contract thing - see, I told you she was all professional and whatnot - so that'll get ironed out next week.

I'm totally excited - she is exactly the kind of person that I want involved in the wedding. Creative and artistic, and yet totally on top of her shit with a really awesome work product. YES. Oh, and in the six-degrees-of-separation department, one of the display albums she had out was of the wedding of one of Jonathan's good friend's brother's best friends. Small world right?

Now, about that cake...

I don't have any.

2008-11-07T09:48:00.007-05:00

Well. One of my co-workers is getting married. She and her guy got together about a month before me and mine, and about a year ago they bought a co-op together, so it's not as if they didn't know it was going to go that way. But the engagement was a surprise - even though the ring was designed after one she found in a magazine and showed him...

Her wedding will basically showcase everything that I am shunning. She will wear a white silk strapless gown; her father will walk her down the aisle, lift her veil, and place her hand into her man's. The ceremony will be held in a Catholic church; the reception will not begin for another two and a half hours. Meal choices will doubtlessly be chicken or fish - or possibly, you know, veal. She's having five bridesmaids (at least), who will wear matching dresses.

And while I do not want any of the above items, while I reject them bodily and in whole, I'm... seething with envy.

Why? Because she has a path. It is clear cut, the ground is smooth and paved, lanterns light her way at every step. Not a doubt need cross her mind beyond: what are my colors? or, birdseed vs. bubbles? Every magazine, every website, every vendor only reinforces her vision. She says, I want X, and the world says, oh wonderful! Which of these nine versions of X would you like to choose? No forging of new paths, no taking the road of most resistance for this girl. Only, closed toe shoes or open?

Restrictive? Perhaps. But infinitely easier than what I'm trying to do. Me? It's more like I'm saying, OK, I want Y. And the world says, oohhhkkkayyyy, well, uhm, we've never heard of Y. Would you like to see our wide variety of X?

Me, I'm adrift in a sea of indecision. A path? I can't even find land. The long engagement may have been a really bad idea for me: that much more time to freak out and change my mind and doubt myself. This just feels like everything else I've ever undertaken: I'm looking around desperately for something to guide me, tell me "here's how you do it! here's your range of options!", and as usual, there simply isn't anything. There's just me, making it up as I go along and hoping it works out. It's high school, college, career, and relationships all over again - only this time it has to look like a big pretty party at the end... but you know, no pressure or anything.

This week there have been many crises. There was the "I'll never find a cake baker" crisis, the "I need to stop eating entirely because I'm a fat cow and I'll never fit into a dress" crisis, the "how will we find dresses for the honor attendants that the girls like and that don't clash with the dress that I'll never be able to buy because I'm too fat" crisis, the "we can't afford this goddamn wedding no way no how" crisis. Oh, the fun times.

I keep going through waves of this. I'm hoping I'll stop eventually - once I realize that there's nothing wrong with the way I want to do things, and that I'm fully capable of pulling this thing off. I'd like to think they're coming less frequently, and not getting as bad and not lasting as long, but it's hard to say when you're on the inside.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

What most people don't understand about that poem is that the whole point is that he never could have taken the the first road to start with: it only seems like a choice. He is who he is, and he's come to terms with that. Ah, Mr. Frost, will you return from the grave and give me a lesson?

Cake Tasting Part Two: Nana Pearl's.

2008-10-20T18:54:00.000-04:00

Initial results were promising. Actually, that's not entirely accurate. The very first initial result was, well, nothing. The website has a 'contact form' which I filled out, with promises of receiving a response within 24 to 48 hours. No such thing happened; I received no response whatsoever. So a week later I scoured the website, found an email address, and wrote directly to it.

And then, results abounded. Exactly 1.5 hours after I sent my email, I received not a return email but an actual phone call. The proprietor left a voicemail, explained that she's been having trouble with her website turning up blank forms, expounded upon her vegan options, and stated that she'd soon be sending me an email with details as to what her next available dates for tastings were. Sure enough, at 1:30 that morning she sent an email with links to appropriate pages on her website and the next three dates she had available for tastings. This, I believed, was promising: total score.

We made an appointment for October. The weeks passed. The week of the tasting arrived, and I emailed her with the flavors we'd decided to taste - some slight variations from our original requests and her suggestions. She wrote back the next day saying that accommodating these changes would be no problem at all. Score number two.

The fateful day arrived this past Saturday; of course it came when we also had Jonathan's parents in town. That's not so much a problem though, as they're fairly self sufficient. I was excited and nervous and also hopeful: this woman seemed to be the polar opposite of what I'd experienced with Vegan Treats. The meeting was set to be held in the fancy and/or schmancy Penn Club on w. 44th Street. It was sorta nuts in there, to the point where I was inspired to photograph the bathroom... and steal one of their uber high-quality paper towels. (The photograph you see is taken from this angle because I was attempting to hide my camera from the barkeep.) We arrived three minutes early, and despite the fact that she said she'd doubtless be there before us, she, um, wasn't.

By New York Standards she wasn't really even late at all - within ten minutes of the appointed time. But still. Punctuality is one of my pet peeve kind of things. So, sorry, minus one point. We went to the elevator to go to a more private space than the first floor 'library' and for some reason the elevator didn't want to go to eleven. But instead of inquiring of the two front desk men, the flustered baker simply led us back into the library. Minus half a point there - it was definitely a bit uncomfortable to be talking and eating cake in a place obviously intended to be exclusive and quiet.

She first presented us with a scrapbook of the cakes that she has made. Sadly, scrap book is the proper term. While the cakes shown were for the most part lovely, the book was put together very poorly - ragged edges on pictures of low quality printed of off the internet, corners not glued down, and so forth. That's an attention to detail thing, big time. If this is what you're using to sell yourself, it shouldn't be sloppy and childish looking. So sorry, another point down. It's just not that hard, and it's a very important part of the presentation.

From there we moved on to the real meat of the event: the cakelets. She pulled out a bag containing three small boxes, each containing one miniature cake. Each had one flavor of cake batter, two fillings, and one icing/covering. She, um, couldn't tell us which one was which though until she'd cut pieces from each and started tasting them. She'd also neglected to bring a knife.

By this point, my image of her being a super-organized and polished businesswoman was thoroughly shattered. There we sat, eating tiny pieces of we weren't sure what kind of cake, which had been cut with plastic forks, layered with we weren't sure what kind of fillings, conjecturing flavors as we went along. In a library.

Fortunately, and very much to her salvation, the cake was pretty good. As was finally discerned, we ended up with the following samples:
-Almond cake covered in Marzipan, with one layer of Chocolate Espresso filling and one layer of Caramel Espresso filling
-Almond cake covered with Almond Vanilla Buttercream, filled with one layer of Vanilla Bean mousse and one layer of Hazelnut Espresso filling
-Chocolate cake covered in Chocolate Buttercream, filled with Grand Marnier filling and a combination of Black Cherry filling and Chocolate Ganache

The caramel filling, which we had neither requested nor discussed, had an aroma that began as pleasant and ended up being absolutely cloying. Just as well; it was never really in the running anyway.

The Black Cherry with Chocolate Ganache was pretty good, and definitely goes nicely with a chocolate cake. It would probably work a lot better with a chocolate ganache or rolled chocolate covering on the cake. That seems the obvious choice, and I'm not sure why it wasn't presented that way.

I was always pretty hot on the Marzipan idea, so I'm excited that it was AWESOME. Not only that, but after tooling around with Jonathan's parents all day that particular cakelet was in much better shape than the other two - the almond paste coating offered structural integrity.

The Chocolate Espresso filling? YES. Rich and thick, but not overly sweet. Combined with the almond cake and the marzipan, it actually created a kind of amazing petit four situation, and I was pretty upset that I didn't have more of it to "sample".

The overall decision that we'd come to by the end of the night was that... we're not done looking for a cake baker. I was so hoping that this woman would be The One, but there were ways in which she just didn't come through. She's not out of the running, but her performance (and cakes) were too far from stellar to discontinue the search. Food is going to be a big deal at this wedding, and the cake is sort of la piece de resistance - it has to be amazing.

Ho hum. I suppose it's not the worst thing in the world. After all, it means I get to eat more cake.

Attendant anxiety abated.

2008-10-05T20:55:00.004-04:00

So, I'm nuts. I was totally creating a person and a situation that don't exist. I do that sometimes. At least I didn't do it for too long. Jon's pick is lovely, and she's truly happy for us. And when he asked her, she was so excited that she almost cried. We had lunch and all talked together like old friends, and then continued it over beers. (No beers for me; only ice cream from Penny Licks. But still.) When we left her company she hugged us both, twice. So yeah. Total nonsense. Oh well. Could have been worse I guess.

In other barely related news, the champagne flutes have arrived. and they're lovely. I tried to take pictures, and they didn't really turn out, but I'll post one anyway for the fun of it. For the record, they're the Lenox Firelight Platinum design, and we ended up ordering them from mytableware.com. I was pleased with their service, the shipment came quickly and with tracking, and they arrived perfectly intact. So, hooray for stupid misconceptions and shiny things!

Attending to the attendants.

2008-10-05T00:24:00.006-04:00

So tomorrow, we're lunching Jon's honor attendant.

Only, she doesn't know that's why we're lunching. In fact, we're lunching her with the precise purpose of asking her to be his honor attendant. Which for some reason is making me really, really nervous.

About the whole honor attendant thing. As I've mentioned previously, we've re-structured the way the ceremony will work, and indeed where it will take place within the event space, in a manner that makes one attendant for each of us the best number. So, basically, when we're up there doing our thing it will be the two of us, the officiant, one attendant (functioning as witness and ring holder) each, and our parents. No flanks of bridesmaids and groomsmen. That just doesn't work for us.

For me the choice was easy; Miss Nina would have always been my "maid of honor" in pretty much any scenario. Been that way for quite a few years now. She's around for most everything I do, and moreover tends to have silently, slyly been kestone, crane, and lynchpin of whatever it is I'm trying to pull off. For Jon it wasn't so easy, but upon soul searching he's decided that his "best man" should be... a woman. Despite all stupid recent movies to the contrary, that doesn't need to be some super-weird scenario.

Her being a her, though, does seem to be what has me gitchy about the whole thing. (And yes, that was supposed to be a g.) It's not because they've dated, though they did. It was approximately a million years ago, lasted for an extremely short period at the very beginning of their friendship, and couldn't matter less to either one of them. Moreover I've seen them around each other; it ain't there.

It's more that she's a different sort of woman. Which I'm glad of; I don't get along with most girls. I get along with the girls who don't get along with other girls - we're like a weird unspoken club, and if you're in it you know what I'm talking about and if you're not, well, I can't help you because you probably don't like me anyway. But she's extremely hard to read, and despite the fact that she's only in Brooklyn we see her like once a year. She's a good bit older too; more than ten years my elder, as a matter of fact.

And... when Jon and I started dating, she gave him a warning. She told him that he liked me way too much. Reminded him that he hadn't liked the last girl nearly as much, and that when she left she upset him rather badly. That he'd better be careful, because I had the potential to really break his heart.

When he told me about that conversation, ever so long ago - two years at the very least - it told me two things. One, that she was a true friend with a bit of a motherly streak of caring for him. And two, that he actually liked me. He's not really one for the talking about the feelings, so it was a nice little piece of information to get.

Since the engagement, she's been overflowing with congratulations. Or at least, so I hear. I have no reason to suspect that she is anything but happy for us, that she will be anything but flattered to be asked to be in the wedding, and so on, and so forth. And hey, that's a third vegan in the mix! I don't even have to explain to her why I'd prefer that she not wear leather shoes. So what, what is this nag in my brain, this worm in my belly?

I think, in short, that I am intimidated by her. Because she's known him longer, and maybe in different ways than I have. Because she is older, wiser, (thinner), more mysterious, cooler, more interesting, taller, more intense than I can dream of being. Because maybe she'll look prettier than me at the wedding. (But who am I kidding? My sister will be there, so my best bet on being noticed is to actually learn to become invisible.) Because she taps some deep insecurity of mine about not being... enough.

Which of course I'm just going to have to suck up. This didn't rear its head even a little bit until tonight, the eve of our lunching, which is intensely annoying. If it had come earlier maybe I could have worked on it, brought it into therapy or something. Now it will just internalize and make me ill. But this is important to Jon, and at the base of it I really like her.

And maybe all I want is for her to really like me... and think that I'm good enough for him.

The Vegan Treats Wedding Cupcake Tasting Extravaganza of 2008

2008-09-30T23:08:00.006-04:00

Alright. I'm sick - have a nasty sinus infection, mmm yummy. But I had already arranged for Vegan Treats to be bringing me a box of tasting cupcakes today. Seeing as they're in Pennsylvania and had baked special goods for me, what was I to do but trudge into the city with my sick-ass self and make it happen?

Ahh, but before the cupcakes, you need backstory.

In case you don't know about them, Vegan Treats is this amazing little bakery outside of Philadelphia (in a tiny town called Bethlehem, to be precise). They do very well in the New York market, supplying all sorts of delicious cakes (and donuts too!) to vegetarian restaurants and delis across Manhattan. Ages ago I'd figured out that they also do big fancy event cakes... like the cakes one tends to see at weddings. So when we decided it was time to start finding our baker, of course they sprung to mind. While several bakeries around the area will make a vegan wedding cake, our first choice would be to support an all-vegan business. But, of course, the cakes would have to be up to par.

So it was that one Friday not long ago, I sent off an email inquiring as to whether a tasting for wedding cakes could be done in the city, or if we would need to make a pilgrimage to Bethlehem. (Sadly, their website has been new-site-coming-soon'd for approximately forever; otherwise I might have been able to glean this information from it.) A response came quickly - that Saturday, actually - from a nice guy who'll we'll call M. He sounded pretty together, and let me know several things: that their wedding cakes are the same recipes as the cakes they sell to the shops around the city; that they could send a set of tasting cupcakes to me with one of their normal Tuesday NYC shipments; that a standard tasting set would include vanilla, chocolate, lemon, coconut, and red velvet.

I wrote back to M that Sunday telling him it all sounded great, and asking the following: 1. if we could do cupcakes on Tuesday, the 30th; 2. if frosting flavors are intrinsically linked to cake flavors or if combinations are flexible; and 3. if there was an almond flavored cake we could try.

By Wednesday, I still hadn't heard back from him. Now, I don't think it's unreasonable of me to expect a response within one or two business days when we're talking about business transactions; I've got standards. Also, at that point I was still under some sort of delusion that I might be employed by this week, so I was a bit stressed about figuring out if we were doing the cupcake thing the following Tuesday, and if so at what time I might be able to meet up with the delivery truck. I sent a short, polite email saying that I just wanted to make sure M had gotten my Sunday email, and that as I was sure this is a busy time for them if they needed to do the cupcakes another week that was fine, just to let me know.

I heard back late the next night; M said that they needed my phone number to give to the delivery guy, but that otherwise it should be a go. Sadly, no answers to my questions about the cakes.

On the following Saturday, the 27th, I received an email from him saying that my cupcakes were already baked, so they'd definitely be on Tuesday's shipment. I can't say I was thrilled to hear that my cupcakes would be three days old when I got them, but so it goes. He further informed me that he had "no idea of time frames or anything to do with the deliveries", and that if I needed any more info about how to meet up with the driver I'd need to call the bakery. He was pretty sure that the driver would call me about an hour before he was ready to meet me. So, basically, I needed to just be in the city on Tuesday, at the ready.

So at this point I'm thinking, really? We're talking about me special ordering a cake from you people that will easily cost between $400 and $500, and this is all the professionalism you can muster? I want to believe that certainly for the actual delivery of a wedding cake, theoretically on the wedding day, they're a little more together - but who knows? While I sorely wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, a late or otherwise errant wedding cake delivery is not something I want to be dealing with on a day that will be stressful no matter what. I need any vendors that I'm shelling out for to be as on top of their shit as I would be if I was doing that job - a tall order, to be sure, but that's why they're getting paid.

OK. So. Tuesday rolls around, and of course my plans for the day are smashed because I'm sick in bed. I spend the morning trying to get my doc to call in some antibiotics for me, which eventually works but not without serious pains - my insurance won't cover a visit, and I can't swing the $250 out of pocket right now, especially when I know damn well that he'll spend three minutes talking to me and then tell me what I already know and hand me the prescription that he could have just called in anyway. But that's a whole other story, isn't it?

Point being that at 1:20 pm I was still in bed, and I got a call. And it was the Vegan Treats truck driver, saying that he'd be by Curly's Vegetarian Lunch (a place I'd mentioned as a possible rendezvous spot) in about an hour, and would that work for me? Why sure, why not. So I hauled my sick ass outta bed, and because the train gods were with me today I actually made it down there about 20 minutes before he did. He was on time, and very pleasant, and not the stoned dread-headed hippy I'd heard rumored to be their delivery guy.

Having successfully retrieved my cupcaketastings, I couldn't help myself from immediately looking in the box. After the lack of detail imparted from fractured emailing, I wasn't even sure that they'd be iced. Imagine my surprise, then, when I opened the box and came face to face with these miniature sugary perfections:

Of course I wouldn't eat them until I got home to Jonathan, and what with my condition and all I hadn't actually eaten anything yet anyway, and cupcakes were probably not the right way to start. Transporting them home, I was desperately afraid the entire time of smooshing them - I'm so good at destroying pretty things. So I gingerly held the little box close to my chest from 14th street all the way back up to Astoria.

* * *

Fastforward six hours. I've had a nap. Jon has come home from work, and he's had a nap too. I have eaten a large bowl of spicy thai soup with noodles, and am feeling a good bit more human. Knowing that the cupcakes are already three days old (and trying not to be at all grossed out by that), we know we must eat them tonight.

* * *

First up: Red velvet. And while the presentation was beautiful, the cake was slightly lackluster. It sure was red, but where was the flavor? Jon claimed that it was slightly dry, which I didn't fully agree with but accredited to the three-day-old-ness. Anyway, we're both from the south, and I myself make a damn good vegan red velvet cupcake; it's going to be pretty hard to pull a red velvet over on either one of us.

* * *

Second in line: Coconut. The cake was significantly more flavorful, having a distinct coconuteyness all its own apart from the coconut frosting with coconut shreds. Again Jon cried dryness; he's one that likes to eat his cake separate from the icing, and claims that these cakes depend on the fat of the (extremely sugary) topping to carry them, which just doesn't work out with his eating scheme at all. I of course agree that the cake should be able to stand on its own, without frosty embellishment.

* * *

Number three: Vanilla with vanilla. This little golden cake was topped with an impressive frosting beehive that for some reason struck me as having an imperial air. Unfortunately, it fit more into the "bland, boring" sort of definition of vanilla rather than the "seed pod of an exotic orchid" variety - the cake was cake flavored, the frosting was frosting/butter flavored. Sweet and tasty, but nothing like the melt-in-your-mouth delectable that we're all dreaming of in a wedding cake.

* * *

Last but possibly most: Chocolate with chocolate mousse. By far the most impressive presentation, I took the most pictures of this bad boy. Chocolate cakelet with a scoop of chocolate mousse on top, that covered in chocolate ganache and topped with a pretty little chunk of gold flecked chocolate - a death by chocolate situation to be sure. Much like their "peanut butter bomb" cake, though, it's more like death by sugar: we all know I have a massive sweet tooth, but man, that mousse could put anyone over the edge.

* * *

So yeah, four cupcakes, despite the fact that I was originally told of five flavors and had requested a sixth. No lemon, no almond. Yes, we have no bananas. We have no bananas today.

And so, what to make of our first vegan cake-tasting venture? Well. I truly appreciate the effort that went into the presentation of the cupcakes for us. They were absolutely stunningly beautiful. I do wish that the communication had been more clear and timely, and that the delivery had been better organized; the lassez-faire attitude just doesn't work for me when it comes to major wedding considerations. As for the cakes themselves, when I originally contacted Vegan Treats I knew what their restaurant cakes were like. I was hoping, though, that they had something maybe a bit more refined for their event cakes. Alas, it is not so.

The end verdict? I'm happy that Vegan Treats does so well in the city. Their cakes are delicious and awesome, and a slice of one is just right after a breakfast burrito at Curly's. But in this case they just don't hit the mark. As much as I'd love to give them my business, it's important to me to have a truly gourmet wedding cake that will blow our guests away - not one that simply looks beautiful on the outside, but tastes like something we baked ourselves.

One possibility that did occur to me though: did you see how beautiful those cupcakes were? Perhaps, perhaps, instead of a groom's cake, beautiful mini cupcakes? Just a thought. A cakelet kind of thought. Cakelets, cakelets, everywhere... I think I'm delirious from sugar. Yes, we have no bananas. We have no bananas today.

Love Knot? Not!

2008-09-29T10:48:00.005-04:00

Alright. It seems that the temporary insanity has passed. I am no longer in love with the Vera Wang Love Knot line, largely because I saw it in person. Yesterday we took a trip into that bastion of all things overpriced - Macy's - and there they were, front and center and everywhere else. As with the pictures on the internet, in person I quite liked their overall form. But those bows? Ugh! the worst. Not metal, not fabric or twine - somewheres in between or on the edge, and not a good liminal space, no no. Plus, Jon hated them of course.

We saw a few things that were cute, and a lot of things that were ugly. And I mean like woah. We decided on a purchase, even - Vera Wang again, her Duchesse champagne flutes. But alas, every one they had was on the floor, and do you ever really want to buy the floor model? At full price, no less? We left frustrated. As I told Jon on the train later, I knew that Macy's wouldn't really have anything for us. But if they don't, who does? Where does the "alternative" couple go when they decide they do want just a little bit of crystal after all?

Why, the internet of course! We'd already been poking around to get an idea of shapes and designs that we might like. And since the design we found at Macy's that we would have purchased was Vera Wang for Wedgewood, for chrissake, I didn't think it would exactly be hard to find on the world wide intarwebdotnet. Right-o I was. But we didn't go with that one after all.

While at Macy's, we had stumbled upon a cluster of Lenox crystal, a big name of course but one that somehow hadn't come up in my searches. They have a line where the champagne flutes are teeny tiny - four ounces, to be precise. In the store, Jon picked one up and liked it so much that he took a picture with is i-phone, eventually referring to it as "pretty tight". (That looks stupid typed, but it's cute when he says it.) Well, he originally liked the Encore, and I originally liked the Firelight. When later that night I showed him pictures, he too liked the Firelight.

And so, harmoniously, miraculously, we actually found champagne flutes that we both really kind of love. Go figure.

We ended up getting them from a website called mytableware.com; it seems like a pretty good website, with a surprisingly wide array of crystal and stuff. Of course I haven't received the shipment yet, so if I receive two mismatched chipped glasses I'll let you know. But I've got high hopes based on website presentation, and the two confirmation emails I've received in the past 12 hours.

The cake knife and server were infinitely more easy - in a vast internetted sea of organdy ribbons and carved hearts and calla lilies and cut crystal, the Mikasa Wavelength set cut right through with its sleek lines and plain silverness. Plus, it was on sale on Amazon with free shipping. Done and done.

But who knows - perhaps one day I'll regret not going with the his and hers cowboy hats that we found on e-bay...

And so, yes, 18 months before the wedding, I've ordered both the champagne flutes and the cake knife and server. We've got this theory that whatever can be taken care of now should be. And this is a time when I don't actually mean "me" I when I say "we"; it's truly both of us. Jonathan knows all too well how I get when there's a lot to do with a deadline (effective but insane), plus we're into the idea of spreading out the spending. The next purchase will probably be our wedding bands, and I'm pretty psyched about that. It's actually his idea to buy them now, if you can believe it.

Tomorrow, I head into the city to intercept the Vegan Treats truck and retrieve my cake-taste-cupcakes... and of course that will be a blog post unto itself.

Right now I'm sick and it sucks and I'm getting in bed, because writing this post done wore me out.

Oh yes we did.

2008-09-26T13:09:00.004-04:00

So the other week I'm on the Martha Stewart website downloading templates, right? (I know, I know. Shut up.) And Jon looks over my shoulder and he's all, "We should get matches. That would be cool. Matchboxes though. And not like that," referring to the pastel colored boxes on the screen with some loopy design printed on them. Well OK then. The boy wants a wedding favor, and that favor is matches. Matchboxes, to be specific.

Well then a week or so later I'm on TheKnot.com (look, we're just not going to have this discussion every time, OK? I've lost my mind, the internet is my enabler, end of story.), and I see personalized matchboxes on sale. So naturally I check it out. And they're reasonably priced, and the design options aren't too bad. So I just go on through the form and choose a silly little image, and put in our names (both won't fit with "and" in between, so I have to use an ampersand, which I think will be fine because he likes ampersands), and choose the serif font because we're not using a modern sans-serif anywhere, and the script is, well, script. I do everything but press "order", because I don't do that kind of thing without showing him first. He does give half a rat's ass about these things, and after all this was the thing he said he wanted.

So he gets home that evening, and I'm all, "Hey, we gotta talk about personalized matchboxes!" And he's all, "Why would we EVER need to talk about personalized matchboxes," laughing. And I'm like, "Because you wanted them, and I found them on sale." Magic words. So without coming over to me or looking at my computer, he says, ok, they should be silver with black writing. And my jaw drops a little, because of course that's exactly what I picked out. And then I make him come over and look, and he likes the font, and he likes the ampersand, and he can even live with the silly little image. (Aww, it's like we're meant to be or something.)

Anyway, they got ordered. And yesterday after my hellish employment-related adventure in midtown which I refuse to think about again until next Wednesday, I went to my studio and found that they had arrived. I'm voting cutest thing ever. And the best part is, you can use them to set stuff on fire. :)

So... have I lost my mind entirely?

2008-09-22T02:03:00.005-04:00

Because I'm sort of in love with things designed by Vera Wang. Is it, like, some sort of chemical problem? Am I responding to subliminal messages on TheKnot.com? One really has to wonder. The problem goes like this:

I see these and instead of being all *barf* cough *gag* cough *what bourgeois bullshit*, I'm all, oh, yeah, totally, we could get a B etched in the flutes.

So really. I'm asking you. Up the meds? Or just give in to the fact that talented designers are at work and I have no power to resist? I take some solace in the fact that while I really love the overall clean line and form, the little bows irk me and I wish they weren't there.

Interestingly enough, price wise these really aren't bad. The champagne flutes are about half as much as, say, a set of Waterford crystal ones would be.

But then, like, who have I become that I spent two hours tonight looking at Waterford crystal champagne flutes? To my credit, I also looked at the ones at CB2, which are quite cute and top out at $4.99. I seriously doubt that we'll end up with Waterford or anything like it.

It's really, really, really easy to see how weddings even in cheap towns top $25k. So many little things. It's insanity.

There are other contenders in the champagne-flutes-and-cake-servers category, but I'll refrain from listing all of them here.

It's after 2am. My Jon still isn't home. I hate the busy season.

Planning, heritage, crises, et cetera.

2008-09-21T23:13:00.001-04:00

*It's been happening like this. I want to talk about it. He doesn't want to talk about it. So I slip in comments here and there about this and that. The result? I feel like we never talk about it, he feels like we always talk about it. No good. So we came up with a seemingly perfect solution: once a week, a "wedding meeting". I'd save it up instead of doling it out in bite-sized portions, and he'd actually give his attention to it; thus he'd feel involved and not just carped at and I'd be placated by his attentiveness. Good right?

Well it work splendidly the first week. It lasted forever though, because it was the first week. So many things to discuss! So many things to show him! But I knew it wouldn't stay like that. And by the end of it the unthinkable had occurred: I no longer even wanted to talk about the wedding. So. Mission accomplished. But then. The following Sunday I was laid out - in no condition to have a meeting or do anything else, for that matter, other than lay in bed. No meeting, frustrated me. This week? Repeat. Not quite as bad, but bad nonetheless. I finally pulled myself together around 6pm, but seeing as he had to work tonight I wondered if it was too late. He said that it was fine, so we headed out to the coffee shop. Any illusion of having his time or attention quickly evaporated though; he was at best humoring me and at worst putting up with me - answering my questions with as few words as possible, barely looking at various bits of stationery and pictures of cakes, and so forth. The third time he tried to sneak a look at the list of things I wanted to talk about, I just gave up.

On the way home, after a bit of fighting of course, he admitted that he was trying to rush me. Said that he was afraid it would take hours and hours like last time. But no, we were actually about 20 minutes from being done, and all he had to do was not be a jerk. But oh well. Work has got him too stressed out. He's there now, which so sucks. I knew it was too late for us to talk about it all, but I just wanted to so badly. I hate it when my crippled days prevent me from doing things that I've planned to do all week. Talk about frustrating.

*I've just this evening realized that my wedding will be taking place during lent. Am I particularly Catholic? No. Is it even a religious ceremony? No. So... why do I care? Um. I can't really answer that. All I can really tell you is that it's officially bugging the crap out of me.

*Still no progress on where to have the rehearsal dinner. New York is so easy and so hard all at the same time. Of course we want to do it at a vegan place... but where can we take our families? So many restaurants here are simply too small to parade 12 or 16 people into. Take for instance Pukk, the vegetarian Thai place. We'd have to rent the entire restaurant just to fit the party into it, and even then half of their chairs (the neon green plastic ones) really aren't big enough for anyone over 90 pounds to sit on. I can't sit on those damn things, so I know my Aunt JoAnn can't. Know what I mean?

There's Lan Cafe, the vegan Vietnamese place. We ate there yesterday, and I'm sort of in love with the idea of doing it there actually. Again, we'd have to rent the entire place, but if we did we'd be perfectly comfortable. A few pretty cushions and candles would spruce up the place just fine. The main problem there is... well... a language barrier. The only people who work there are the proprietors. They're wonderful, extremely hardworking people. But honestly, they barely know enough English to respond to questions about menu items. Setting up a private party would require a translator. Which I'm considering, because their food is amazing, and I would love to give them the business. Anybody speak Vietnamese?

Again, a year and a half to figure this out.

*I've been trying to research Sicilian wedding traditions. Weddings are one of those occasions that make you really ache for some kind of solid culture or family heritage. Which I don't have, but I can pretend. My mother's father's lineage from Contessa Entellina is by far the most trackable portion of my blood, so I'll run with it. My coloring supports it at least, and I also have this funny two-ring eye color thing going on that's supposedly a Contessa trait. So. I found this amazing site that lists the lineage of families from Contessa and my grandpa is totally there, plus his five brothers and sisters, and they have him married to my grandma and all - it's really kind of cool.

Anyway, other than the lineage, the internet is telling me dick about Sicilian wedding traditions. And actually, there probably just weren't many. They weren't very affluent is the basic situation. A wedding was a feast day, your parents arranged it, you did it in a church, on a Sunday, the end. The one good piece of news? I'm totally vindicated in having Jordan Almonds (bomboniera). I was going with the whole "it was my grandma's favorite candy" thing, and now I've got this too: apparently in Sicily sometimes they were served instead of wedding cake. Ha. Of course, there will be no tulle.

*My Great Great Great Grandmother was named Viola. God help my first daughter.

*I've gotten in touch with Vegan Treats about their wedding cakes. With any luck, the cupcakes are a-comin...

Invited!

2008-09-16T12:15:00.003-04:00

So a while back I designed potential invitations. I really liked them, and Jon really liked them, and they're totally different than most of what you see out there. So what else do we need really?

Lately I've been debating as to how to make them exist in physical reality. Get a polymer plate made, take another letterpress class at SVA, and print them myself? Very pricey, with debatable results. Get a stamp made? Somewhat pricey for what it is, and very very debatable results. Have them silkscreened? Much less hands on, and not a process I know that much about; also possibly a bit pricey.

So I arrived at: Just print them out on my own damn home printer? After running through the realities of the options, I'd actually decided to just print them myself at home. They looked good, not great, but good doing it this way, and really who am I trying to impress? Our moms will think they're beautiful no matter what we do, and apparently you heathens just throw these things away anyway.

Well, I was alright with that. But there was a little bug at the back of my head saying, will you really be happy with that? And my instinctive answer was, repeatedly, no. No but it's fine, no but who cares, no but it's not a big deal. But then I thought, wait a minute. I'm not doing much that's very fancy for this wedding. My dress will almost definitely come in at under $500. I'm not getting flowers, and I'm barely decorating. I'm not getting makeup done, lord knows, and I probably won't even have my hair done. I deserve to splurge somewhere, don't I? And isn't paper the most logical place for me to do it?

So I started poking around etsy for people that do letterpress. Because I'm in love with letterpress (because I've done it before, not because it's some new trend, which I didn't realize until recently). All the big houses do it now - William Arthur and the like - but even if I was willing to give them my money (which I'm not), they probably wouldn't print my design. No, to do it at all meant to find people, real human beings, who do letterpress for the love of it and would be willing to get a polymer plate made of my design and print from there.

Well, it didn't take long to stumble upon Paper Stories Letterpress out of Chicago. I wrote to them last night, and they'd written back by the time I got up this morning. They said that the job sounded "simple enough", and even gave me a price quote. After a few back-and-forths with them this morning, I've decided that I love them. Jon agrees, and we're totally going this route.

I'll still print the announcements myself (probably), and the programs and the save the dates and the rehearsal dinner invites and everything else. But this is my indulgence: real letterpressed invitations, of my own design. They'll use paper that's cotton rag, some of it recycled, ink that's synthetic which they feel is most eco-friendly, and do it all using renewable energy sources. They have a whole page on their site about their eco-decisions. Like I said, I love them.

So I'm excited. Yes, I know that the wedding is still a year and a half away and it's a bit early to be ordering invitations. I don't care. Saving some catastrophic event, the venue isn't going to change, so what difference does it make? (Ahh, now I've gone and cursed myself. Oh well. We knew I was gonna do it sometime.)

Next mission to tackle: the dress...

Back on the horse.

2008-09-04T00:03:00.003-04:00

OK. I'm in wedding planning mode again. I've got a new ceremony setup in mind that would make it pretty much impossible to have more than one attendant each. Perfect right? I think so... just as long as it will work as far as the furniture is concerned, which I don't have the proper measurements to determine just as of yet.

There are still a million details to work out. I still have a year and a half, so that should be alright. We've been trying to figure where in the space we want each part of the evening to play out, and how; trying to design table and chair arrangements and such. That should be hammered out before I talk to caterers - I want to go in with a very clear vision of what I want, so as not to get blindsided into craziness. Soon I might schedule a cake tasting... because I want to taste some damn cake. And I'm thinking about going on a dress hunt. For most other things, it's still too early.

I have lingering feelings that it's a little bit insane to have a wedding, and that it's really something that other people do, and I'm worrying about who won't bother to show up. But I guess I'm going to have to suck it up. I want to do this thing, when it comes down to it, and it would break both mothers' hearts not to at this point. Especially Jonathan's; he's an only child, and with any luck this will be his only marriage. So. Suck it up I shall. I'll throw a pretty party, and between the importance of the event and the people who do show up and appreciate it all, I should be able to ignore any other nonsense. Right?

For the 90th time, settle down.

2008-08-08T15:51:00.005-04:00

Ok, ok, I know. Enough with the bitter and angry. So people don't act how I want or need them to - big surprise. But my family and a few true friends would be really disappointed if I didn't have a real wedding, and in the end of course I would be disappointed too. Besides, this is probably the only chance I'll get to throw a really big vegan shindig. So I should take it, right?

Why hasn't she been writing?

2008-07-19T17:12:00.004-04:00

Well, there hasn't been anything to write about. I haven't been working on the wedding. And the longer I don't work on it, the more futile it seems.

Thing is, I no longer know why I wanted to have a wedding in the first place. Or rather, I do know. But the reasons are based on one big fat fallacy: mainly that anyone gives a shit. Oddly enough, when you spend $25,000 on a huge party and provide people with as much food and liquor as they can stand, they show up. But why? Would they be coming because they're just so utterly filled with joy at our happiness?

In a word, no. They'd be coming for the free food and booze. The marriage part would get an "oh, isn't that nice, but I'm not married yet / I'm not happy in my marriage, so I'll probably just use it as an excuse to be bitter" between servings of stuffed mushrooms and champagne. And why, exactly, should I bust my ass and stress myself out for the next year and a half, to enable that at my expense (in more ways than one)? Right now I'm pretty much feeling a big fat "no thanks".

Oh, I still want to get married. But getting married and having a wedding have only the most tangential of relationships. In summation, I've been throwing myself parties since I was 14 years old, because I'd figured out by then that no one was going to throw them for me. And you know what's all I've ever gotten out of any of them? A huge mess, a big bill, and an even bigger sense of worthlessness.

So you know what people? You don't care that I'm getting married? Fine. You are released. There's no wedding for you to feel obligated to show up to and then not dance at. Don't bother sending a present. It would probably be a piece of shit that we don't need anyway. And as for the "wedding party", who the hell was I kidding? As if I know anyone who'd expend the effort on me that it would take to be a bridesmaid. Ain't happenin'. I've always known this, but I deluded myself for a little while there.

City Hall, then dinner for the family, and a night at a fancy hotel. No, I won't be happy with it. But at least I won't be out thousands upon thousands of dollars and wondering why I'm being ignored at my own wedding, why all of my "friends" could care less about what's supposed to be one of the most important days of my life. That doesn't exactly spell bliss in my book, and I'm more than willing to bet that it's how any "wedding" of mine would turn out.

It's over. I'm done.

The Great Paper Chase.

2008-06-13T11:28:00.006-04:00

First, a side note: today is 6/13. My day. See, 6 and 13 are my numbers. It is also Friday the 13th. This happened six years ago; it was an interesting day.

But that has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm about to talk about.

No. I'm here today to talk to you about, in a word, paper. Paper, for some reason, dominates my world. It covers my desks and tables and floors. I file it and stack it and organize it and save it and write on it and make things out of it and buy way, way too much of it. Indeed, the catchphrase for my little etsy store is "because you like paper, and we like you." And of course when it comes to a wedding, paper is a major consideration.

See, as far as the wedding stationery goes, I'm being very, well, me about it all. I'm doing everything myself. You didn't really think I was going to walk into a stationer and just pick something from a book, now did you? Ha. No, that would involve infinitely less work than what I currently have planned. So, I'm sure you're wondering, what has my fevered paper-obsessed little brain cooked up? It goes like this:

First will go out save the dates. Of my own design, of course. In my palette of greens, of course. And as a postcard, because I didn't like any of the magnet options and anyway that would have required an envelope, which I'm trying to avoid. I thought I had this all worked out, and then a minor catastrophe happened... but we're getting to that.

Next will come the big envelope- one envelope, no interior exterior nonsense for me - to include the following:
*The invitation, again of my own design and very possibly of my own making. Possibly stamped, possibly linoleum printed, possibly letterpressed if I can get access to a press... It might end up having a ribbon on it, or a vellum overlay, or some other such fancy nonsense. I can't decide. I change my mind every day, and I'm counting on my darling mid to set me straight when the time comes.
*A response postcard (again with the no envelope having), any one of a number of the vintage-design Cavallini postcards that I've been buying up like a madwoman. I think I have all of the designs now. I didn't want any two people to get the same design. See, I got custom stamps made to turn them into response cards, and there'll be a space for the guest to write a note to us for when they send it back. I'm going to put them all in an album that shows both sides of the card, so you see the pretty vintage design one the one side and the note from the guest to us on the other... What can I say? It's just something I thought up.
*A zine-style booklet, but polished, hand bound with ribbon, containing all of the information that guests will need regarding the wedding weekend: schedule for the big day, hotel where we've reserved rooms, probably a menu listing of the food we'll have, tips on visiting New York like how to use the subway and how to hale a cab (we'll have a lot of out-of-towners), et cetera, so on, and so forth.
Again, all will be in my palette of greens, not the same color for any piece but coordinating and complimenting.
*For wedding party members, invites to the rehearsal dinner... assuming that we're having either a rehearsal or a dinner.
*For anyone with any kind of job during the wedding weekend (which will be plenty of people, believe me), a little note reiterating what's expected of them and expounding upon our undying gratitude for being our ipod dj or whatever.

Then of course at the ceremony itself will be the wedding program. Oh, yes, I must have a program. It's an excuse to make another booklet, for the love of god! Like I was going to turn that down? Again, ribbon bound, with all different green ribbons so they'll look beeutiful all together in a basket.

And we can 't forget correspondence / thank you notes; etiquette simply won't allow it. For this, I'll get the smallest envelopes you can mail (3.5" x 5", I've checked with the U.S.P.S.) and fold the beautiful 100% handmade cotton paper that I already happen to have on hand in half, (with the bone folder I finally found that's actually made of plastic - why the hell do they still make those things out of bone!?) and then stamp the front of it with my tree design... I haven't figured out whether I'll make a lino print or get a rubber stamp made.

Ok. So that's a lot of pieces of paper. And I want them all to be different colors that go together. But you wanna know the real kicker? I also want them to all be 100% post-consumer waste recycled. With the obvious exception of the cotton paper that I already have. (See? It's not just food that I worry about.) This may strike you as crazy, but to me there's just really no other way to do it if I'm going to be putting so much paper out into the world. The universe of recycled and otherwise "earth friendly" paper has gotten exceedingly complicated and greenwashed in the past few years. There's tree free, plain old "recycled" in any percentage you want, post-consumer recycled also in any percentage you want, forest stewardship council certified paper, chlorine free paper, and so on, and so forth, and any combination you might care to dream up. It's really enough to make a girl dizzy.

So the first thing I discovered in my search is that it's ridiculously complicated. There's lots of paper that says it's 30% recycled (not post-consumer, mind you, just recycled) - well, isn't that nice? They've followed the government mandate and saved themselves money by picking the scraps up off of the floor and throwing them back into the paper mix. Not impressive. The second thing I discovered is that while there are several companies making nice, stationery-type papers and tree-free papers of many colors that fit my parameters, most of them are just ugly as sin. And do I want ugly paper? Oddly enough, no, not really.

So after my initial researching, I decided that 100% post-consumer waste was the way to go. I spent probably a dozen hours on the internet, and at least half as many in Kate's Paperie (a primo crackhouse for us paper junkies). And I thought I'd come up with a solution that worked perfectly. Domtar had a line called Sandpiper, 100% pcw, chlorine free, so on and so forth, and some of the colors were absolutely gorgeous and within my palette. Speckled, yes, but in a way that worked. I also found and purchased a couple packs of plain old white office paper (100% pcw, chlorine free for you and me) off the internet - for the insides of the invitation booklets, and for just general home use. I found some stock at Kate's that had some pcw content for miscellaneous pieces, and I can live without complete perfection (I suppose). Everything was moving along just swimmingly.

And then, yesterday, it happened. I went to order my Domtar Sandpiper papers. 24 lb. writing paper in Mint (for the interior of the wedding program and the cover of the invitation booklet) and 80 lb. cover stock in Robin's Egg (for the cover of the wedding booklets and who knows what else - it's so pretty!). And guess what I found out? Domtar has discontinued the line!

This little revelation threw me into a paper crisis. According to my fiance, there is no such thing as a "paper crisis" unless you run a newspaper or a paper mill. He just doesn't understand. Boys don't often contract the paper sickness. Or the ribbon sickness. Or the pretty box sickness. They just don't get it. But he behaved, and spent a solid twenty minutes with me last night going over the possibilities of What To Do.

I'd spent all afternoon trying to right the wrongs that had been done. I'm pretty sure I found and ordered the Mint color, though I think it's in the 80 lb. cover thickness instead of the 24 lb. writing thickness, so I don't know if it will work in my printer. As for the Robin's Egg, it's gone daddy gone, which is slightly heartbreaking. You just don't even understand how pretty this paper is. I will cherish the samples forever. Or just be slightly peeved for the next couple of weeks. Whichever.

For the giant envelope, an A10 that fits a 5 1/2" x 8 1/2" booklet inside, I'm using a line called Synergy. I thought I'd be using the Citrus Green, but instead now I think I'm using the Peaceful Blue. The Synergy stuff is not 100% pcw, but it's got a respectable amount, and it's really hard to find envelopes this size unfortunately. My main concern is / was the booklets, which will be the biggest use of paper...

And the moral of the story is that, in yet another way, I've lost my freaking mind.

Does anyone want to remind me that my wedding is still almost two years away, and that maybe it'd be alright if I didn't have this all hammered out by the end of the week?

Just as well. I wouldn't listen to you anyway.

So, why the hell do you want to get married?

2008-06-12T12:57:00.007-04:00

This is the question that I've been asking myself. For years. A decade or more, really. And it's not only me asking it; it's former boyfriends asking it, it's friends asking it. I've been asked it several times since I've gotten engaged, due to the company I keep. It's such a valid question that I've actually started polling people. For those that know about my engagement, I ask for an honest opinion on it (and usually get one). For those that don't know, I ask for a general opinion on the entire concept and get the can of worms cracked open, and then show them the ring. Usually they backpedal, until I explain that I really am looking for truthful feedback and open discussion. It's a fun game when you hang out with a bunch of anarchists and artists and other such people engaging in non-standard lifestyles.

My answer to this question, as you may imagine, has changed fairly dramatically since I was twenty (and thank god). Back then, the reasoning was an ever so co-dependent "because that's how I'll know that he'll really stay with me" or "because that's how I'll know he really loves me", something along those lines. As if marriage is a solution to a problem, a universal Mr. Fix-It to my severe emotional disruptions and fear of abandonment. Luckily, none of the boys that I dated were foolish enough to go for it... for very long, at least.

In my mid-twenties, for a minute or two, the answer was simply, "I don't." I'd learned enough to know that I didn't want to do it the way that a lot of other people do it, and wasn't empowered enough to realize that I might be able to do it in a different way entirely.

And now? Now that I have a sparkly ring on my finger? Now that I've put a deposit down on a gorgeous venue and I'm scouting out dresses and caterers, not to mention trying to figure out how mortgages really work? Well, now it's a much bigger answer. But it needs some backstory.

As should be evident by this point, I have a lot of issues with marriage. Similar to my take on many other subjects, my contentions range from the macro to the micro. There are the big, universal issues like the federal regulations prohibiting gay marriage and the legal ramifications on each other's finances. And then there are the superpersonal, relationship specific details like the way that many couples, and it seems to me women in particular, try to use marriage to fix whatever intimacy problems exist in a relationship. Let's examine some of these items, shall we?

The subject of the prohibition against gay marriage is one that I cannot help but consider when thinking about my own marrying possibilities. Since high school age my circle of friends and acquaintances has always contained gay people, and (as very few people are completely straight) there have been a few women have who moved through my life that drew me strongly to them, so much so that I questioned my own sexuality for a time.

More to the point, though, is that two of my very close friends are lesbians. One, we'll call her H, is my oldest friend. She revealed her sexuality to the world in her 11th grade year (my 12th) and has never looked back. And recently she's fallen madly in love, and she and her new partner want nothing more than to marry. But of course they can't. They could maybe travel to one of the states that has made it legal for a moment - I believe California is the latest? - but of what use? It wouldn't be recognized in their home. And so they're talking about having a commitment ceremony and a big party, because isn't that what a wedding really is anyway? What is all this craziness with making it a legal contract? Ahh, but we'll get to that.

The second of the two aforementioned friends, we'll call M. She has strong feelings about the concept of gay marriage, and does not want any part of it, especially not a commitment ceremony that strikes her only as a "fake wedding". To her it feels like mockery; yet it makes her sad that she will not get to experience that rite of passage, even when she is ready to commit herself to a lifelong partner. In what might be an ironic twist, I've asked M if she would like to be our officiant.

I've heard two opposing arguments on the concept of straight couples who support gay rights and what we should do with our own options. One camp declares that if we truly believe that everyone should have the right to marry and that it is unfair that this is not the case, then we should not take part in this unfair system and therefore should not become legally married until everyone has the right to do so. The other camp, upon hearing of couples who refuse to marry for the sake of gay rights, blink their eyes incredulously, shake their heads sadly, and muse on the irony: that people who have the option would turn it down, while so many who want it so badly can't do something so basic as commit themselves to one another (at least, not in the eyes of the law).

And there it is: in the eyes of the law. What is that? "We love each other - legally! And our sex is legal too!" How perverse is that? The thing is that it isn't really like that at all. In reality, the legal aspect of marriage has nothing to do with the relationship itself. It has to do with agreeing to let that person all up in your junk... in a paperwork kind of sense. Marrying legally intertwines your finances, lets you get on each other's insurance and file taxes or apply for a mortgage jointly, and allows for visitation in medical emergencies - that last one is a big part of why the legal aspect becomes important for gay couples.

So when you think about it, a legal marriage is merely two adults agreeing to open their files to each other. A scary proposition, no doubt - if things go awry, you can end up liable for debt that you didn't even know your partner was accruing. But it has nothing to do with romantic love; it has to do with trust and fiscal responsibility, an important but quite different part of the whole. Oddly, this is the part that many couples seem to gloss over entirely, focusing instead on some ludicrous notion that "love is all you need". Oh, if only.

Other issues? Well, let's talk about the wedding ceremony, shall we? Enter guests. Representatives of the two families sit on opposite sides of the room, a throwback to days when this would not be a friendly or happy gathering but when they'd rather be at each other's throats. Enter the groom: he who has the most money wins. Enter the groomsmen, who originally played the role of literally holding back the "bride's" family as the groom kidnapped her from her house. Enter the bridesmaids, who originally were dressed up like the bride in order to confuse evil spirits, and who are now mostly just puppets in expensive, ugly dresses that will never be worn again.

And now enter the bride. Or at least we assume it's the bride; she's lost any identity that she may have once had now that she's wearing that white dress with that veil over her face. Good thing she's wearing white, too, or we wouldn't know how rich and privileged she is. She is of course being escorted by her father, the man that owns her, so that she can be properly handed to her groom, the man that is purchasing her. After all, this is really just an exchange of property - and that property damn well better be a virgin too. Because later they'll have to hang out the sheets with the bloodstains on them, and if they don't, well, she might just get herself stoned to death for being a whore. But first get that wedding ring on her - they won't actually let you put a tag in her ear, and tattooing "mine" on her forehead would probably make her less valuable. Oh, the groom? Why would he wear a ring?

How wonderful! How romantic! Boy, do I want in on that! Um, no. Granted, I'm taking the worst of a bad lot, but my point is that wedding "traditions" don't come from a warm fuzzy place. We made all that up later, when society decided that we'd better start pretending that women are actually people. (By the way, we're not all the way there yet.)

This is why I have a mini panic attack every time I try to think about my ceremony. There are a lot of "standard" things that I don't want involved. No one is giving me to anyone, because I'm actually not property. Vows obviously need serious work from the traditional script (must I even bring up that whole "obey" shtick?). Past that, I just have no idea how I'm going to handle it yet. Thankfully, I have time.

So, under all of these dark and foreboding clouds, why the hell do I want to get married? As I said, that answer is complex, but it's all rooted in one very simple fact: I have found my partner, and he his, and we want to celebrate our partnership with each other and everyone we love and make our commitment formal.

Do I want everyone to have the same rights? Of course. But giving up our opportunity will not create one for anyone else. Can I abide the dogma of the wedding ceremony as it is commonly carried out here and now in this country? No, and I don't have to, and I won't. Do I think that a legal marriage makes us legally bound to love each other? No, I think it makes us legally able to file joint tax returns. Am I wandering into marriage with naive notions that getting married will be the ultimate solution to all of the problems in our relationship, and indeed in my life? To the contrary, I'm making every effort to walk into it in full consciousness of the potential pitfalls and failures, willing to take the risks, confident that we will keep loving each other and acting as equal parts of a whole as much as we are able.

Sound scary as shit? Well yeah, it is. So was moving to New York, and so was starting college, and so was everything else worthwhile that I've ever done.

When you realize that your ceremony can be what you want it to be, and decide that you will make it represent only what you believe; when you understand that a marriage is not a "marriage", something that fits in a box that someone else put a label on, but simply a partnership between yourself and the person that you know and love, and it is nothing less or more than what you decide it will be, then all of those dark clouds part. And nothing that society says about what a "wife" is or a "husband" is matters anymore. The things that your parents did to each other within their own marriage melt away. Because none of that has anything to do with you and your partner.

The day after you say "I do" (or "I will" or "Yes!" or "Hell yeah!" or "Totally"), you will still be the same two people that you are today, and you will still have the same relationship that you do now. That moment is not the one at which you devote yourselves to each other forever; that devotion should have long been in place. The wedding is had simply to state it out loud... where a whole lot of people can hear you. Because it's a wonderful thing to feel and say and share. If you make it legal, you make it legal for practical reasons, and you can do it at the same time or not.

A few nights ago I asked an acquaintance, who happens to be gay, what she thought of my engagement. After some discussion of above-mentioned subjects, she said she thought it was courageous. I have to agree. This is one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. And yet, somehow, I've never been so happy, and really, I've never been so calm.

Maybe it's stupid.

2008-06-05T14:23:00.008-04:00

Ok, it's probably stupid. But I am, and have been, stressed about about wedding preparation. Now, as we know, the wedding is not until March of 2010. That is really almost two years away. Nevertheless, I feel a semi-desperate need to tackle every aspect of it. NOW. I've looked into dresses, searched for caterers and bakers, half-made my save-the-dates, worded the invitation (and considered at least four or five cardstocks and methods of printing), bought placecard holders and one wedding party gift (yes seriously), and we've already put a deposit on the venue.

And yet I'm still stressed about the fact that I haven't written the program yet, because I don't know exactly how the ceremony is going to play out. And I can't decide what to do about centerpieces - to have or have not? - this almost feels like a crisis. And what will I put in the gift bags that will go in the hotel rooms of out of town guests? And what about the baskets for the bathrooms at the reception site? I haven't even made the lists yet; I don't even have a list of the lists I need to make! I'M SO UNPREPARED!

And it goes on like that. I don't just want to be working on it; I want to be working on all of it all at one time, and I want it all to be finished RIGHT NOW.

All this, despite the fact that part of the reason we're going with a date so far in advance is so that I'll have time to do all of these things. Now, granted, this is just the way I am. With everything, always. I obsess, I organize, I micromanage, I excruciate over details. It gets to be a bit worse in this instance, since it's a much larger event than I'm usually a party to. I won't go so far as to say it's the most important day of my life, because how depressing would that be? What about the day that I finally get an exclusive show at a real gallery? What about the day that we adopt a child? But it is a day that I care about, one that many, many people will be witness to. And they'll all be looking at me. So I'm worried. But is this just me? Or does every bride do this? Do some enjoy the beginning and freak out just at the end? Or do we all freak out from the start?

Oh jesus, Bride. That word. It feels almost as weird to call myself a "bride" as it does to call myself an "artist". It just doesn't fit. Those words are for other people, people that fit into roles that can be defined and do things right and aren't weirdos. When we made the announcement to our parents over the weekend, my dad ordered champagne. Once it came and we all had glasses, my mother declared that the "father of the bride" should make a toast. I knew she was referring to my dad, but the bride? Who the hell was that? Oh. Right.

I'm assuming my insanity will continue its ebb and flow, its wax and wane. As far as I can tell its intensity is not linked to anything specific, save maybe how tired I am. I've read stories of "brides" who have really simple shindigs in their friends' backyards or whatever. Well, I don't know anyone with a backyard, and simple is not really my M.O. Freaking out, obsessing over minutiae, and making the impossible happen (and then having no one notice) - that's what I'm really good at. I'm pretty sure my darling knows what he's in for... Lord, give him strength.

The Challenge: to dine out every night, most afternoons, and some mornings for a week... with our parents.

2008-06-03T12:37:00.006-04:00

Yes, this week my fiance and I have our parents in town, both sets. Jonathan has been vegan for six or seven years now, and I have for a bit over two. Nevertheless, the parents don't always quite grasp what we do and do not eat. (Do y'all eat wheat? Well, what about fish?) Our primary interest is keeping them happy, and having them in town is truly a test of our standard statement that we can find something to eat anywhere...

Friday:
Jonathan's parents arrive in the afternoon. We head down to Little Italy for an early dinner at a place Dad remembers from a previous trip. I order spaghetti al pomodoro, Jonathan orders linguini with maranara. Translation for each: pasta with red sauce. We lucked out here: the bread was not covered in garlic butter, the tomato sauce was not cooked with any kind of meat stock, and cheese was added to the dishes at the table, not in the kitchen. So alright, one down.

Saturday:
Met the parents at the hotel around 1pm. Mine were to be arriving around 3. In the interim, we went to lunch... at Johnny Rockets. Jonathan's parents love a good diner, and they think the JR is just great, with its shiny counters and its nickel juke boxes at each table. New York is really not quite their speed, since they actually live deep in the mountains of western Virginia, so we like taking them places that they're really comfortable. So. Being extremely nervous about my parents' impeding arrival, I only ate onion rings. (I later found out that they contain whey, which is aggravating, but I'll probably live.) Jonathan had "the streamliner", a Boca burger piled high with lettuce, tomato, and grilled onion. They do, supposedly, use the vegan Boca. (And anyway why, pray tell, is there a non-vegan Boca ? But that's a discussion for another day.) We escaped largely unscathed, and hey, at least we're encouraging them to keep the vegetarian items on the menu.

A side note... Checking it out later, I found this on their website:

A Note for our Vegetarian Guests
At Johnny Rockets we strive to meet the needs of all of our guests. The Boca Burger patty that we use in our Streamliner is their Original V35 and is manufactured as a vegan product. Our spec hamburger buns should not contain any dairy nor other animal-derived ingredients. Our American fries also should not contain ingredients which are of animal origin and are always cooked in 100% vegetable oil. Beef tallow, or flavorings derived from animal sources, are never intentionally added during the manufacturing or cooking process. However you should be aware that, due to the proximity of the manufacturing equipment to sources of animal protein or oil from animal sources there is the slight, though extremely unlikely, possibility that traces of these unwanted products may be accidentally transferred to our American fries during their production. For this reason, and this reason only, we feel compelled to list beef tallow as a possible (however extremely unlikely) ingredient.

Please be aware that we designate a special area of the grill on which to cook only the Boca Burger and we do everything in our power to keep the area free from other materials. We also have special color-coded turners and tongs which help to keep cross-contamination to a minimum. However due to the limited space and tight kitchen layout at Johnny Rockets we cannot guarantee that there will not be unintentional contact with some small amount of material from an item which is of animal in nature.

You know what? I appreciate the fact that they seem to be trying, and that they're fairly forthright about what they're doing. I'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they're on the level and are actually doing what they claim here. They do, of course, mainly exist as a business that thrives on selling animal products. But I'd still rather people eat there than at, say, McDevil's.

I won't get into the story of my parents not turning on their cell phone, or my father's trepidation about riding the subway. Suffice it to say that they did arrive, and we introduced two and two, and once all hands were shook we corralled them all down to Spring Street Natural at the corner of Spring and Laffiette . We like taking parents here, since it has food for us and food for them and it's also nice and big and fancy. It also has a full bar.

Now, my parents are from New Orleans, and all my father ever wants to eat is seafood. I've tried to explain to him that New Orleans restaurants have different cooking and serving theories than do New York ones; basically that if you opened up a new restaurant in New Orleans and tried to get away with the serving sizes and cooking techniques that are commonly perpetrated in NY, the restaurant would go out of business in about a week. My mom saw the light of reason and got the goat cheese ravioli; goat cheese is something they know about in New York. She loved her dinner. But Dad, he can't stop trying. So he proceeded to order the shrimp bisque, (which he hated - there's only three shrimp in here!), and the mussels (which were no good), and the soft shelled crab (which was rolled in cornmeal, a deadly sin, and which there was only one of). (Hey dad, don't say I didn't warn ya.) Needless to say, he wasn't thrilled. And he wasn't quiet about it. Nor was my mother, the queen of tact.

So it's probably a good thing that this is the dinner when we told them about our engagement. Everybody forgot about their food, and my dad ordered a bottle of champagne.

Me and Jonathan, we had the corn crusted tofu, this time served with broccoli rabe and shaved jiccama salad. And it was delicious as always.

Sunday:
Sunday began with all four parents at Ess-A-Bagel. Now, I introduced all four of them to this place, because I freakin' love it. It's my contention that these are the best bagels in New York, which would actually make them the best bagels in the world. Literally. It's a classic Jewish bagel joint, and in New York there's a bit of a trend in Kosher establishments to offer tofu cream cheese - to dodge that whole mixing-meat-and-milk hedge law. Now, for me it has nothing to do with religion, but I do consider it a small miracle that I can walk into a place on third avenue in Midtown and be confronted with a choice of 6 different flavors of tofu cream cheese. (They actually have seven, but one of them is lox. And, um, no.) My parents, of course, went for the classic lox and cream cheese on a plain bagel. Jonathan's parents went the sausage and egg route. But me? I got my standard: whole wheat bagel, toasted, with herb tofu, lettuce, and tomato. A more perfect breakfast (or lunch or dinner, for that matter) never has been had.

We were planning to take them to Wave Thai in Astoria, but we never made it. Lunch was basically skipped that day; those bagels pack a wollop , and they weren't eaten until about 11am anyway. Dinner was had after the City Lights cruise that took us around the bottom half of the Island of Manhattan, with a crackpot tourguide who told us all about how the "graffiti movement" was started by Andy Warhol in the 70's... fascinating stuff.

We needed to eat close to the hotel, so we went to China Dynasty, the Chinese place that's actually the hotel restaurant for the Radisson down the street from where the parents are staying. The waitstaff there take themselves very, very seriously, hardly ever cracking a smile. But the service is good, and the food is excellent. There's one thing that bothers me immensely, though, which is that they serve shark fin soup. Granted, I don't know if it's the genuine article, but to even have it on the menu seems wrong. That's probably why I never consider eating there unless I'm desperately trying to feed parents who happen to be staying on the same block. (Oddly enough, Vegetarian Dim Sum house in Chinatown serves a vegetarian version of The Soup That Shall Not Be Named, an anomaly that I find just bizarre. Maybe that's why I've always preferred Buddah Bodai.)

Dynasty has a dim sum style menu as well as entrees, and what always makes me happy is that they have those little steamed bread buns with the stuff in them. They even have two for us - one with red bean paste and one with minced vegetables. They offer two kinds of bean curd, but when we tried to order the Ma Pau , the stoic waiter said, "with pork?" D'oh! "No!" Oh well. At least they told us - that's not the kind of thing you want to find out when the dinners are arriving at the table. House special bean curd times two it is.

And as this post is now officially excruciatingly long, I'll leave it...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Parental Visit Day Two: A tale of epic proportions.

2008-05-31T10:16:00.015-04:00

10:15 am - so I wonder which level of hell this would translate to?

OK. So today's the day that my parents arrive, that I have to get them (along with Jonathan's parents) out to dinner together without incident, and that we will (hopefully) deliver the big news to (hopefully) the delight and glee of all. This, in and of itself, I was finding stressful enough. As we know, I came to the realization last night that my parents are not going to behave themselves, and it is I that will have to be the eye in the center of the storm, the voice of reason throughout the proceedings. I who will have to be the rock.

So I'm super excited that I'm on 5 hours of sleep, and that there's a crew of men banging on the exterior of my apartment building right now.

See, we live in a "pre-war" building. This is actually code for "hasn't been renovated (or cleaned all that much) since it was built in 1915". And that's fine with us; the place has character, with its crown moldings, high rounded ceilings, wood floors, and plaster walls. And it comes with that magical phrase that glosses over all manner of sins: rent stabilization. But every now and then some crucial bit of maintenance does have to be done. And apparently, this week that bit is to scrape the last 40 or so years' worth of accumulated rust off of all of the fire escapes.

The enterprising young men pursuing this endeavor were not at all dissuaded by the fact that today is Saturday, no. They in fact began their work at 7:50 in the morning, approximately five hours after I was finally able to get myself to sleep last night. Now, for some reason that I don't completely grasp, this job requires banging as hard as possible on these ancient metal structures. And it just so happens that today's assignment is the death trap / BBQ platform directly outside of my kitchen window, the one bolted to my bedroom wall. And so, since 7:50 am, no less than three full grown men have been serenading us with five floors of wrought iron xylophone orchestra.

Just the thing to put me in a calm, relaxed mood to deal with mom and dad!

* * * * * * * * * *

11:40 am - so that's why the banging stopped...

Around 10:50 or so, the banging stopped. So I was able to relax for a minute and have my breakfast. We figured that the guys were just on a ten or something, but the work did not resume. Maybe they're finished with that set? I'd seen them on the second floor, the one just above ours. Maybe that was their whole goal for today?

Jonathan went out for a cigarette, came back in reporting that he'd seen police outside. I peeked out, and the first thing I saw was a smashed car window. Ahh, I thought, isn't it wonderful when the neighborhood's children become teenagers. But people were gathering, and the police were yelling at people that there was nothing to see here (universal code for "there's something big to see here!")... and then there was the ambulance. So, maybe the car window wasn't the news. What was the commotion? I got a feeling. I went into the kitchen and just happened to notice about a gallon of fruit punch spilled in the alley below my kitchen window... below the fire escape. Or maybe... not fruit punch. I looked up to the fire escape on the second story, and saw that part of the railing was now missing on the side. Just about exactly above where that enormous red stain is.

Oh.

So that explains the cessation of the noise, and the ambulance, and the dozen or so people milling around on the sidewalk out front; directly in front, in fact, of the gate leading out of the alley beneath the fire escape in front of my kitchen... I feel like an ass for not having seen or understood more sooner, but then images like that tend to haunt me, so it's probably for the best. The giant pool of blood I suppose is enough. I'm really just hoping that the kid's not dead. I mean, I wasn't exactly in love with them being here making all that racket so early in the morning. But I'm guessing it wasn't on their "top ten fun things to do on Saturday" list either, and I wasn't wishing severe bodily harm on any of them. Actually I just wanted them to have a day off...

Ah, well, anyway, time to go into the city and meet the folks!

* * * * * * * * * *

1:30 pm - It could be worse; it could be raining...

Mmm. Right. So I leave my studio, and it's pouring. And I'm the moron in the impractical shoes, because I haven't seen my parents in a year and I want to look good. Which for some reason requires not the most practical rain shoes. And it's as if the rain is coming on cue; it gets thin, and so out I step. But just at that moment, it becomes a torrent. So I run to the next enclave. But as soon as I duck in, It slows up again. So out again I go, only to have it come down again hard and heavy... By the time I make it to the subway my lovely, impractical shoes are slick and slippery on the inside, and I'm soaked up to my knees...

* * * * * * * * * *

1:45 pm - Seriously? On Lex? You must be joking.

But they weren't joking. There it was, with the grilled meat and the pineapple chunks and the cheap pashminas and the "Chanel" handbags only $9.95 - a goddamn streetfair. Ok. Sure. Of course. Why not. Why wouldn't there be a street fair on Lexington at 48th street the day that my crowd hating, agoraphobic parents are arriving?

* * * * * * * * * *

3:00 pm - Maybe they left the phone at home. Or did they think the flight was tomorrow?

The internet claimed that the flight landed at 1:51 pm. So no way were they still stuck on the airplane - and even if they were, they would have been allowed to turn their phone back on, to call me or at least accept my call. Unless, of course, they'd left it at home. I called their house, just to make sure my mom didn't pick up. She didn't pick up. Jonathan kept saying that they must have forgotten to turn their phone back on after landing, but how could they have forgotten? The captain and crew remind the passengers about when they can and can't use phones approximately every ten minutes. Finally, I just go down to the lobby to wait, hoping that they'll pop up.

And at 3:30, they pop up.

They forgot to turn their phone back on after landing.

This, of course, doesn't explain why they didn't call me upon landing, but what's the point? They're here, and there are bigger fish to fry...

* * * * * * * * * *

Fastforward: 10:00 pm - and they all lived happily ever after, because apparently hell froze over?

Well, it's done. The parents met each other. They got along just fine. The rain stopped. We all took the subway together, my parents included, down to Soho. And no one freaked out or got upset or anything. We even got seats. And we got to the restaurant, and it was half empty, and we got a nice table and ordered. And then, as planned, I put on the ring. And my mom noticed it first, not Jonathan's mom like we'd figured. And then I said it, and a cheer went up, and everyone was thrilled, and my dad ordered champagne for the whole table and then picked up the tab. We rode the subway home - seats again, even, for all six; Jonathan's mom was seen tearing up a little bit. We got them all back to the hotel, and slowly said our goodbyes to each parental set.

And now we're home, and exhausted, and relieved, and happy, and wondering how we pulled it off, and how we're going to get through tomorrow...

No crises... yet. (I am the rock, I am the zen.)

2008-05-30T23:51:00.007-04:00

So, Jonathan's parents arrived in town today. Mine come tomorrow. Jon's parents are nice, normal people. They know how to behave in public, and in social situations. We picked them up from Penn Station with nary an incident, and took a cab to the hotel, where we got them settled into their lovely hotel room. We went downtown, to Little Italy, where we strolled through a street fair and then had an early pasta dinner at one of the many, many Italian restaurants on offer, but one they've been to before and were excited about going back to. Then we brought them back to their lovely hotel room. They've rented suite-style accommodations with a separate seating area, complete with couch. You know, in case they want to invite my parents up to socialize.

Ha.

Like I said, my parents arrive tomorrow. And the series of events I've described above, a fairly normal interaction with Jonathan's parents, would be a small miracle should they occur in the presence of mine. I've been nervous about this visit, but I've been thinking it's going to be OK. Despite the fact that their last trip here was horrendous, and left me violently ill and in a severe depression. Despite a lifetime of witnessing them being completely incapable of behaving like normal parents or even normal people in any social or familial situation. Because they swore it would be better this time. Because Dad said he'd be less anxious since they've done it once now, and since they're staying in the same hotel as they did last time (familiar turf), and since he's doing better overall these days. Because they've been saying this time it's going to be alright. And I've been believing them, mostly because it's what I've wanted to believe.

So, foolish me, I've been worrying about things like, how will they react when we tell them the big news? And, how will we sidestep the questions of "money" and "parents' roles in the ceremony" until a later date? And, will it rain?

That is, until I got on the phone with my mom tonight.

"Hey Mom! Are y'all excited about coming up?"
"Oh yeah, I'm excited and Daddy is too. We can't wait to see you. It should be really good. The only thing is that Daddy doesn't want to take the subway."
What? "What? He said he was gonna do it this time! He promised." (Crap hell damn!)
"Well, maybe that's what he's telling you, but to me he says he doesn't want to do it."
"But it's gonna cost you like $150 a day to take taxis everywhere!"
"To keep Daddy calm? So what." (My mother, the rationalizing enabler.)
"But it doesn't keep him calm! He gets just as freaked out in a taxi. Plus, you can't put six people into one taxi. We'd have to take two..."
"Well I don't know honey, I'm not going to bring it up with him now. We'll deal with it when we get there." (This is my-mother speak for "I'm going to go along with whatever crazy thing your father does and then bitch about it during and later.")

And so, we're back to square one. See, my father isn't content just keeping his anxieties and phobias to himself, noooo. He insists on taking everyone along with him. He doesn't feel comfortable someplace? Well then everybody has to leave. NOW. He doesn't want to take the subway? Well then everybody damn well better pile into a cab, or maybe he just won't go at all. He's tired of being in the museum? Day at the museum officially OVER.

I suddenly have visions of my dad creating a huge scene, as he is so apt to do, right there in the lobby of the hotel not ten minutes after meeting Jonathan's parents for the first time. I see not getting them to the restaurant at all, or getting them there but having everyone in such a tense miserable state by that time that there's no way we can make our big announcement. I begin to panic. So I call the only person who could possibly understand this predicament: my sister.

And of course, she understands perfectly. And since this is not her crisis, she can see it for what it is... not a crisis. See, the problem is largely that my parents are catastrophists, and in being such they've trained me well. There is no such thing as a small problem for us. There are only end-of-the-world, earthshattering, unsolvable nightmares. Perfection or utter chaos, those are your choices.

That is, until I take a breath, remember my unlearning, and recall that I just have to treat my dad like I would a difficult twenty-year-old. If I am calm, this will not be a problem. If I am calm, this is just my goofy dad being my goofy dad, a barely noticeable bump in what can still be a lovely evening. He wants to take a cab? Fine. No problem. Him and my mom can take a cab. We'll see them there. As has always been the case with my parents (though it took me decades to realize it), I must be the rational and strong one.

So when we're at the hotel where all four parents are staying tomorrow (oh yes, we did it that way), and my dad makes his pronouncement that he refuses to use the mass transit system that is good enough for at least six million people to use every single day, I will calmly and happily tell him that the restaurant is called Spring Street Natural, is at the corner of Spring and Laffiette, and that me and Jonathan's family will see them there. Because you know what? I'm not humoring that crap from him any more than my friends humor it from me.

Ahh, yes, that's a funny part of the story - All my hysteria? Got it from him. I inherited all of my father's anxiety problems, directly, and then threw in some of my own. The main difference is that at some point in my twenties I realized that I didn't get to torture other people with them; that rather I should a) seek help, and b) should find ways to reduce my anxiety that don't screw with other peoples' plans. In this I have been not completely successful, but I do alright. And hell, at least I try. Unfortunately, my father at age 58 has not yet had this realization.

But, back to my focus. Tomorrow, and likely through their whole trip, I must chant this mantra: It's not a crisis if I don't treat it like one. It's not a crisis if I don't treat it like one. It's not a crisis if I don't treat it like one... As my sister reminded me, a tsunami is a crisis. The hurricane that destroyed both of our lives, that was a crisis. This? This is just dinner in Soho, and should be treated as such. It's just dinner with six adults, for chrissake, and I'll have my man there to hold my hand.

And so, deep breaths. I am the zen. I am the rock. If I can stay calm and rational, everything will be fine.

God help me.

The Ring!

2008-05-28T11:31:00.004-04:00

Below is the G-rated, family approved version of why my betrothed and I chose not to purchase a traditional ring, and why in fact I refuse to give a large sum of money to a jeweler that deals in regular diamonds these days. Here's the UN's version of what's going on with conflict diamonds. Here's a more colorful tale of child soldiers that have gotten caught up in the rebel action - distinctly NOT G-rated, reader beware. And of course, this doesn't even breach the topic that mining is incredibly environmentally destructive... Soon I'll tell you the story of getting my fancy ring, which is a whole other story indeed.

* * * * * * * * * *

On Saturday, May 24th, Melissa received her "real" engagement ring from Jonathan. The ring was custom ordered, and so had not arrived on time for the anniversary engagement. But no matter. The ring is special in many ways, reflecting our unique, non-traditional style as well as our values as a couple.

Due to various recent socio-political and ecological issues, we didn't want a ring that was made with either mined stones or metals. Luckily we happened upon GreenKarat, a company that specializes in making stunning pieces of jewelery from lab created gems and recycled precious metals. The ring we chose contains three stones: a sapphire in the center with a diamond flanking each side. All three stones are blue... like Jonathan's eyes. The color comes from trace elements not always found within the minerals; the sapphire is blue due to traces of titanium and iron, while the diamonds contain traces of boron. (Geology rocks!) The result is a beautiful, lustrous ring set in shiny, gorgeous, recycled white gold.

Melissa couldn't be happier with the ring's origins or its appearance, and Jonathan just seems relieved to have the darned thing on her finger. As far as sparkly things go, though, he seems to think it's pretty alright. It's a beautiful symbol of our relationship in many ways, simultaneously classic but unique, delicate but durable. The three stones are said to represent past, present, and future; with any luck our future together will hold as much beauty.

The Venue, the Ring, and the Anxiety... but not necessarily in that order.

2008-05-25T12:42:00.005-04:00

Because the anxiety is constant and related to many other things, chief among which is that I still don't have a job (nor am I particularly looking for one) and the savings are basically gone. "But, didn't she have a plan when she quit her job?" you're thinking. "I though she said she'd be fine for months and months... how are the savings gone already?" And indeed, you would be correct. But that was before she realized that she'd be dropping a $4000 deposit this week, to get the whole venue problem out of the way right up front. That took a significant chunk of savings, and left her in a spot where she basically needs to find a job. NOW.

But as usual, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Let's back up, shall we? Last Friday, May 16th, Jonathan and I were finally, blissfully, officially engaged. Now, we'd decided months back that the first thing we'd do once it was official was to firm up the venue, which meant putting down at least a 50% deposit. Granted, the wedding is still almost two years away, and even in New York things don't need to be booked that far in advance. But it's better to be safe than sorry, and every other arrangement stems from the venue, and we also felt that it's best to spread out the major spending as much as possible so as not to end up with $20k worth of expenses in a 6 month span or something equally as terrifying.

So.

This being my understanding of our understanding, a day or two after the engagement was made official, I asked Jon about making the appointment to have a second look at The Foundry and giving them a shit-ton of our money. And that's when he says to me, "don't you think we should look at other venues?"

Now? Really? We looked at The Foundry in March and made these decisions in March, and this is occurring to you NOW?

I swallow back the small explosion going off in my head and say, sure, ok, what other venues would you like to go and look at. The response? "Oh, I don't know, I haven't found any other ones that I really want to go and see. I just feel like we should go and look at some other places."

Mmm hmm. Ok. Well.

I personally require a bit more effort than this. I told him that maybe he should spend some time on the internet on Monday and Tuesday nights searching around for possibilities. Lo and behold, when Wednesday came, the few stones that had been overturned revealed only enforced catering or empty white warehouse loft spaces in neighborhoods that we don't like... the exact same things that I had found in March when I spent exhaustive hours searching every venue listing in New York City.

Nevertheless, I spent Wednesday making that same search, again, and again finding the same unsuitable venues (a steakhouse in midtown starting at $35K? perfect for two vegans on a budget!). And after a bit of quibbling and cajoling and explaining and discussing on Wednesday evening, we came to the conclusion that there wasn't much point in spending time visiting venues that a) aren't any cheaper than what we've already found, and b) are in neighborhoods that we don't go to on purpose. Jon realized that he really does want to go with The Foundry; it simply felt wrong to him to choose it without spending more time on the duds. Like renting the first apartment you look at. I reminded him that we live in the first apartment that I looked at after moving to New York, and that I rented it 45 minutes after I first saw it. And it's an amazing apartment. Sometimes you just get it right the first time. And technically, we did go visit the Museum of the City of New York. We didn't get the spiel from their events coordinator, but since they don't provide anything it would have all been useless B.S. anyway.

And so, yesterday morning we went back to The Foundry, and it was just as beautiful as last time. The events manager there, who last time had struck me as chic and intimidating, this visit made me feel welcomed and was friendly and accommodating (doubtless a change in my mental state rather than in her behavior). This is the right space for us, and we're really excited about it. It's just stressing me the hell out because, while I'm glad to have one major detail and financial hit taken care of, it drained my savings to almost nothing. Which means I need to start saving again. Which means I need a job...

Last night we went to fancy dinner, and I got my fancy ring.

But you know what? I think that's for another post.

i should be asleep.

2008-05-24T03:35:00.003-04:00

i've been home from work for an hour; it's time for bed. especially considering that i need to get up in like five hours. see, we have to be at the venue at 10:30 tomorrow morning to give them obscene amounts of money - otherwise known as a 50% deposit. and after a day jaunting around the city, we'll settle into a nice fancy dinner at our favorite fancy vegan restaurant, and then i'll be getting my fancy proposal and my fancy ring... but for now, bedtime, if i could only find the self-discipline.

it's officially official! well... sort of.

2008-05-19T13:45:00.007-04:00

so... it's done! he asked! friday the 16th was our second anniversary, and what better time to make a proposal? and it was adorable and we're very, very happy. i've begun really telling people, which is fun.

the catch? the real ring's not here yet. the complications in getting it ordered led to it not being here on time for the anniversary. so i am wearing a ring on the appropriate finger, but it's not the ring. but that's alright... because he asked, and he meant it, and he's happy and excited, and that's all i've really been wanting these past few months. and... because it means i get two proposals! and, you know, i'm cool with that.

friday's proposal was intentionally low key. it was a big stressful event at the start of a big stressful weekend - i had my first open studios event happening on saturday and sunday. so we decided that fancy wasn't the right way to go, since it's not really how we roll and especially since we didn't / don't have the real ring yet. instead, we went to our favorite vegetarian diner on 14th street. there, we know the waiters, we like the music, and their vegan mexican chocolate milkshakes kick ass.

one of the funnest features of Curly's Vegetarian Lunch is that they provide their patrons with paper placemats and crayons, to keep busy until the disco fries arrive. after we'd ordered our meals, jonathan mentioned that he was stressed, and i said i was a bit nervous too. but that we shouldn't be stressed, only happy. and so, upside down to me and rightside up to him, on his placemat i wrote "no stress, only happy." and he said, alright, and on my placemat he wrote, "ok - will you marry me?" with my stomach doing backflips, he said it out loud, i of course said yes, and he put the ring on me. what can i say? it worked for us.

this saturday should be the fancy proposal. we'll get spiffed up and go to Blossom on the west side, high class and whatnot. it will be more stressful due to fancyness and the presence of expensive jewelry, but also less stressful because we're actually already engaged. so really it should just be fun, and i can't wait. i want my sparkly thing! but i've already got my man, the man, my partner and future husband, and that blows most anything else out of the water... ugh, look at that, i've turned myself into a pile of mush.

i didn't know time could move this slowly.

2008-04-22T14:14:00.003-04:00

finally, finally, FINALLY - after a monthlong comedy of errors involving bullying banks and misbehaving websites, the ring is ordered. i don't know when it will arrive, or when he'll give it to me. the plan is still for it to happen sometime before the end of may. which gives us a lot of time, and not a lot of time, all at once.

in the ordering process he ended up having to get on the phone with the people making the ring. which i think is actually a good thing. i think speaking to the people who will actually fashion the ring has given him more a sense of control over the whole situation, which i think he had lost somewhere in the third week of arguing with Chase about his right to the money in his savings account. have i mentioned that i hate Chase? i hate Chase.

i don't know how he'll do it. last night he was threatening to take me to foodswings and propose there, and have the ring deep-fried into some kind of dessert. now, doing it at foodswings would actually be just fine. i don't need anything fancy, and we went there on our first date. but if he deep-fries my ring, i'm not saying yes until i have a ring that hasn't been deep-fried, and i told him as much. he mentioned that one of his co-workers popped it on a hot air balloon; all night all i could think of was my beautiful shiny ring plummeting towards earth at 32 miles per second per second. oh yes, i would find a way to drop it. we're talking about a girl who can barely walk through a door without some kind of collision with its frame here. don't take me 10,000 feet into the air with anything valuable that you don't plan to replace.

i'll tell you more about the ring once it's actually on my finger. which should be soon. sort of.

as usual, i need to calm the hell down.

2008-03-27T21:11:00.003-04:00

everything is fine. we're right on schedule. he still has every intention of proposing before the parents get here. he doesn't have the ring yet... but only because J.P Morgan Chase is screwing him right now. (no big surprise there - that's pretty much all they do all day long.) but, see, he's annoyed that he hasn't gotten to order the ring yet. see? see how that's good?

don't worry.

i'm in psychotherapy.

issues.

2008-03-24T20:38:00.004-04:00

So, ok. let's talk about it. I'm not actually engaged, right? So why is it that I'm writing a blog about organizing a wedding? It's a valid question, no doubt. One that i've asked myself, believe you me. But it's not quite so simple when i ask it; it's more like, why am I writing a blog, buying d.i.y. wedding books, setting up organizational binders with printed labels, scoping out possible dresses and wedding bands, and actually buying gifts for wedding party members (yes, really) when I'm not engaged? When the wedding is, in fact, completely imaginary? As much a figment of my imagination as it was when I was 15 years old?

Well, there's the theory that turning 30 had a semi-delayed effect of making me finally and completely lose my mind. It's plausible, I'll grant you. I mean, wedding party gifts? Seriously people, how is there a wedding party when there is no wedding? I really might be off my rocker. Any day now I might decide that this here pink fuzzy wind-up bunny would make a better maid of honor than my best friend, and start asking my plants which one wants to be the officiant. Tell me, Mr. Money Plant, are you an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church? You are?! Well that's just splendid, splendid!

But let's cut me a little slack. I'm not terribly good at that, but maybe you'll take a stab at it. See it from my point of view, stand in my shoes. Say you've got a boyfriend. And you and he have talked intensely about getting married. You've picked a date more or less. You've had conversations about what the ceremony will and will not entail, who should be invited, what time, what music. You've visited a venue and tried to pace out where the chairs would fit best. The two of you have arranged it so that your parents will be in New York City at the same time specifically so that they can meet each other. He's all but outright stated that he's gonna pop the question before the parents arrive at the end of May. And you're 90% sure that he actually went ahead and ordered the (recycled precious metal created diamond) ring you and he spent weeks discussing and deciding on.

Now, given these circumstances, wouldn't you kind of feel that an engagement was imminent? Wouldn't you, in fact, kind of feel, like, semi-engaged? Or pre-engaged, maybe?

Obviously I would. And do. Does that make me crazy? Is there something wrong with me for wanting to talk about table setups and caterers and cake flavors? Food is going to be a very big deal at this shindig, duh. I want to discuss options for string lights and votives! I want to decide where best to place a buffet station! I want to start assigning tasks to my bridesmaids and the rest of my crew, because believe me, this wedding is going to take a crew. I want to decide what to call the tables, because table numbers are boring and names are better, and I want to discuss it with my life partner, damnit!

The point is, this is the biggest planned event that's likely to occur in my life, ever. And it's the first big thing we'll tackle as a couple - theoretically to be followed by stuff like buying a house, having kids, etcetera and so forth. And while I'm not your typical average girl in very many ways, this is one of them - I have been dreaming of making my wedding happen for at least 15 years. I also spent at least 5 of those years thinking that it was never going to happen; that that was not going to be an option for me, and forbidding myself to muse on the fantasy. So to have it dangled in front of me like this, only to get burned each time I reach for it... well, it's nothing short of torture. And most importantly, I'm a planner! Planning is how I deal with unknown quantities. Whenever there is a concept too big for me to digest in one lump, like say spending the rest of my life with someone who actually loves me... well, I dissect. I make lists. I hole-punch and I put tabs in notebooks and I fill up binders. This is how I deal. This is my coping mechanism. And right now all of my books and binders and notebooks are stashed away in my studio. Hidden from the eyes that do not want to see them.

Right now you're all going, what the hell is she talking about? He went to the venue with her! She thinks he bought the ring! Everything's right on track! Tortured? Burned? This girl is off her rocker. Can't she just wait two freakin' months?

And of course you're probably right. But there are a few things you still don't know. The first is that my other big coping mechanism is communication, i.e. talking. I talk things out. I make things real and tangible and handleable by forming words with my mouth, by hearing them with my ears. The second is that I'm not allowed to talk about it. Despite the fact that we visited a venue. Despite the fact that we've had several to many awesome conversations about how one goes about getting a marriage license and certificate in New York, about what his groomsmen should wear, about creating our own resin cufflinks. I'm not allowed to talk about it unless he's in the mood to talk about it, which is very rarely. If I do bring stuff up, I'm met with rolling eyes, huffing breaths, and "alright, baby, enough".

The effect of this conundrum? I feel like I'm forcing my hand. Like this whole marriage thing is something he's conceding to so that I'll shut up about it already. Like he doesn't want it, but he'll put up with it if he really has to. It's every girl's dream come true! Um. Now, if I actually and truly 100% believed that he felt this way, it would be over. No way no how do I want a life partnership to begin like that. But even when I know that's probably not what's going on, being made to feel like that is wildly unpleasant. Last night it brought me so far as to decide that not only does he not actually want to marry me, but that he didn't want to move in with me, didn't ever really want to be my boyfriend, and in fact never even really wanted to date me.

Yeah, he just stuck around for two years because I'm so damn easy to be with. HA. (Every one of my ex-boyfriends is in absolute hysterics right now, and getting ready to make a silent salute of amazement to the man that is my current partner.)

So who's at fault here? I don't really think it's a "fault" kind of situation. I get freaked out by what looks like a lack of commitment and / or interest and then I act like an idiot. He gets freaked out by the possibility that maybe we'll try it and it won't work and then he acts like an idiot. Two idiots in love, making each other insane. Isn't it just adorable. Disgusting. Ridiculous. Whatever, pick an adjective.

Two days ago I would have told you without flinching, without pause, that I'd have a ring on my finger by May 29. Now I'm not so sure. My mind seems to enjoy filling itself with doubt and then teasing me for ever being so gullible. I hope he still loves me. I hope he wants what I want. I hope I can calm the hell down and regain the happiness I had for a few weeks there, when I just understood how awesome it is that we have each other.

Ugh. Whatever.

I'm gonna go play with my fuzzy wind-up bunny. I think I'll name her Priscilla.

We came, we saw, we... fell hopelessly in love.

2008-03-16T12:49:00.002-04:00

The Foundry is absolutely beautiful. The pictures actually don't do it justice, which is bizarre because they're fantastic. But they just don't compare to being in the space itself. As I feared, it looks smaller in person, but no matter; it's still about four times bigger than it needs to be for the crowd we're expecting. It also comes with a certain amount of furniture and indoor greenery that we weren't expecting, which is excellent. I just discovered that the super-8 videographer I'm dying for will cost a minimum of $4,000 - OUCH! - so anywhere that we can save a little money is helpful.

We'd been thinking that we would rent the courtyard and tent it, and do the ceremony inside and the dinner in the tent. The full area of the courtyard would have been over 2K to rent (on top of the charge for the main interior space, of course), and I was figuring the tent would be another thousand maybe. Man was I wrong! The kind of tent I want in the size that I want is over three thousand dollars! And who knows if that even includes any heating or lighting... The discovery of this information could have been quite a blow, except that it came paired with another bit of news. That was the fact that The Foundry is in the process of building this amazing little rooftop terrace. When completed it will hold about 60 people for cocktails - pretty much custom built for what we need. It can have a fire pit, and it's partially covered, and it will look over a little reflecting pool and the lovely courtyard that we'd been so intent on renting. It's also about a fifth of the price of my whole courtyard + tent plan. So voila! Problem solved! Mostly.

The new plan - the terrace plan, as we'll call it - does leave us with some logistical issues. We now must organize having the ceremony in the main space, then bringing everyone up into the mezzanine and onto the terrace for "cocktails" so that the main space can somehow become an area for both a buffet dinner with semi-assigned seating and a dance floor. I didn't want to have that big a changeover, for one, and I also don't know how we're going to have dining and dancing simultaneously. We'll figure it out though; Jonathan and I are both somewhat skilled in the logistics department. I think the real problem is that we don't have enough information yet to really get working on it.

Our visit also allowed us to figure out that for a very minimal charge we can have lights strung across the atrium like this, and votives put along ledges like this and this, by the landscaping company that operates off of the same property. We feel that these touches will give the place a clean polished look without a lot of excess. I'm not planning on bringing in much in the way of decoration or flowers, so that works well for me. A few more trees, some embellishments on the gift table (what there is of one) or in a corner here and there, and well set tables, and we're good to go.

So we're pretty psyched. We may still look at other places but I doubt we'll go with anywhere else. This is the spot for us. There are approximately 143 other things we need to get nailed down to make it all happen, but there's time. After all, we're not even engaged yet. ;)

The first venue visit.

2008-03-13T21:05:00.002-04:00

So on Saturday morning - this saturday morning, the one coming up in two days - we're going to tour the venue that we're 80% sure we want to use. It's a beautiful building, a refurbished metal foundry in long island city, just a few blocks away from my studio. Not only is it an interesting space that meshes well with our personalities, and one that would allow us to have the ceremony and reception at one site (a mandatory qualification in our eyes), but it's also super-convenient for us. It's just 5 stops from our apartment and 4 blocks from my studio. The studio will, no doubt, become craft central when I get going on the guest book, the invitations, the favors, the wedding party gifts, the various table decor, and whatever else I decide to hand-make. (I say will, but who am I kidding? There are already boxes of ribbon, a few magazines, and the beginnings of my wedding planning binder cluttering up my worktable. Oh, and the, um, placecard holders that I, um, already bought. Ahem.) It will work out well to have a staging area where we can gather all of the decorations and necessities just a few blocks from the event.

While not the most glamorous neighborhood, it's one that we know well and enjoy. It also provides some striking views of the 59th street bridge... and a lot of rooftop watertowers. It's a place we're comfortable in, and Jonathan and I are both strongly attracted to it. I've been envisioning my wedding in this place for months; basically ever since I first heard of it. I'm not sure how I'll react to actually seeing it in person and not just in pictures. Will it be bigger? Smaller? Brighter? Darker? Disappointing or twice as enticing? Jonathan actually has seen it in person, by virtue of the fact that his line of work has brought him to pretty much every event space in the New York metropolitan area. But that was two or so years ago, and he didn't have much on his mind then other than delivering the necessary gear and taking off.

Of course, I know what you're thinking. It's slightly on the bizarre side of things for us to be visiting a venue when we're not even officially engaged yet. I actually got so freaked about that that we almost canceled the appointment. But due to some conversing that was done over the weekend, I feel solid enough in our pre-engaged-to-be-engaged state that I'm fine with going. It seems that the official popping will happen sometime in the next two and a half months; I don't know anything past that and I actually don't want to. From here on out I want it to be a surprise. (That may sound funny, even ludicrous, to some who know me well and have watched this unfold. But the point was always that I wanted to know that it was happening, not exactly when or how. Just that it would, sometime before I turned 40.)

The whole point of visiting the venue now instead of waiting is that we want to see it at the same time of year that our wedding will be. The building itself is all exposed brick, and it becomes covered in climbing vines in warmer months; we're interested to see if it's all dead still or if it's coming back, and that sort of thing. Of course each year will be different, but this is as good as it's going to get without waiting until a week before the actual date. And I'm pretty sure we'll have to pick a venue before then. The more I look around lately, the more I know that this is the perfect time of year for us to be getting married. The trees are all just barely starting to bud and leaf out, the days are growing steadily warmer, and it's finally light out after 5pm. It's nice to watch the world come back to life and start to grow again. The vernal equinox, when all things are equal... I'll stop now before I really get good and gushy. Ooffgh. Shake that off. Anyway.

The Foundry is a "raw space", meaning that absolutely nothing comes with it. Not tables, not chairs, not plants, not lights, not anything. This, in turn, means that using it would / will require me becoming my own wedding coordinator. That's pretty much what I've been planning on all along, so it's not such a big deal. But when I start listing out all of the pieces, it is daunting. (At this point my checklist is 4 pages long, and I'm sure there are huge gaps. That doesn't include the breakout lists, of course.) I'm a details freak, and I don't like other people making decisions for me; I don't think I'd get on well with a wedding planner, even if I was willing to pay one. It could be pretty damn entertaining to watch though...

I need to know things about the space, like what this one funny door on the floor plans is. Where the heck does that door go? It's not the kitchen, it's not the courtyard, it's not the bathrooms. I can't figure it out. I need to ask approximately ten thousand questions about tent rental for the courtyard; tent rental isn't included in the rental price for the space but they have an exclusive tent vendor. I don't know who that vendor is though; that part they haven't mentioned. So I have no idea how much it will cost for the tenting that I want to do, or whether any lighting or heating will be included... I have pored over the floor plans, and all of the photographs I can get of the inside and out, both decorated and naked. But it's hard to get a concept of actual size... like, will I be able to set up five rows of chairs there? Or is it way too narrow for that? And even if it will technically fit, will it feel cramped? Will it interrupt the flow of Qi? (Kidding. Sort of.) Hard to say. I have a hundred ideas floating around in my skull, but I need facts.

Does anyone have any good tips on dealing with venue owners? On what questions to ask? On what I should look for, what I can't live without, and what doesn't really matter? Any advice would be appreciated; I don't want to find myself an hour after finishing the tour thinking, "if only I'd asked about such and such, and I wish I'd checked for x, y, and z... damnit, we have to go back!"

Ides of March, beware of us. We're coming for a tour, and I've got a checklist.

ok, so we're not engaged yet.

2008-03-09T11:25:00.002-04:00

but we're working on that. not as in i'm begging him to get engaged. as in, we know we're doing it, and we just haven't quite officially done it yet. but we've started planning things, even though our potential date is two years away (3.20.10). see, we'll probably be doing most things ourselves (as far as invitations, favors, decor, bla bla bla) and we're working with a finite budget - we don't exactly come from the land of trust funds. that means that there's going to be a lot of time and energy needing to be expended to make it all happen... which is fine with me. actually, i can't imagine anything better! what can i say, i have a girlish streak. it's not my fault. i am, after all, a girl. and a crafty one at that.

in my initial investigating, i'm so surprised at how little i've found specifically for vegan events! yes, a couple of caterers and venues have told me they'll do a vegan wedding, the palm house and naturally delicious among them. but they don't advertise as such, and i haven't actually gotten menus out of them yet, just "oh yes, we'll certainly do a vegan wedding for you." does that mean pasta with marinara and a green salad? there are vegan restaurants in the city that cater, but that's a different thing than an event venue or a catering business. no business that i've found does vegan events and nothing else, and i've only dug up one catering service that's strictly vegetarian. i know we're not that big a portion of the population. but even if we're only 1%, that's still like 3 million people in the country right? and jonathan and i are in new york city, where the percentages are way skewed. i mean, how many other cities provide you with literally dozens of completely vegetarian restaurants, some of them totally vegan? seriously, we have vegan vietnamese, which you'd think was impossible. (lan cafe on 6th street - if you haven't been there yet, go today. it's amazing.) so how is it that there's not a single all vegan caterer?

it's not just food either. do you know how hard it is to find a wedding gown that's not made of silk? pretty much the only alternative is hemp silk (and i must say, the word hemp makes me twitch a little bit - just because i'm vegan doesn't mean i'm a damn hippie). i was actually considering that option though, until i discovered that almost all the time they mix the hemp fibers with real silk anyway! hi, can you say pointless? thanks to moo shoes, finding some pretty shoes to wear won't be a problem. but the point, my vegan friends, is that we're a market, right? where are all of the businesses desperately trying to sell us all of their great stuff? of course we're not a market that should be exploited, but shouldn't we at least be accommodated?

my official guesses are the following: that a lot of people who are vegan a) aren't marrying other vegans, b) figure that since their guests aren't vegan their wedding shouldn't be, or c) are doing so much for themselves - we're kind of used to being self sufficient, a habit borne largely out of necessity - that the market doesn't see a need to be filled. well, jonathan and i eschew the theory that since most of our guests won't be vegan the wedding shouldn't be. it's our wedding! we're vegan, and passionately so, and the celebration should reflect who we are as a couple. and moreover, spending thousands of dollars on non-vegan food would be totally against our beliefs. hell, i flinch when i treat my favorite co-worker to a latte with cow's milk in it, and that only costs about four bucks. honestly i won't even consider having a large scale non-vegan event, even if one or both sets of our parents ends up coughing up some money. before ever speaking a word about it to each other, we were both determined that not only will our wedding be totally vegan, but that we will be serving the most delicious food and the most beautiful, melt-in-your-mouth cake and deserts that any of our guests had ever tasted. no, really.

on top of that, we'll be following our ethics elsewise: part of our gift registry will be an option to donate to farm sanctuary and / or the common ground collective; my engagement ring and our bands will contain recycled metals and lab-created stones; all of the paper goods will be recycled or at the very least tree-free; and if there is food left over from the wedding we want to give it to food not bombs. as much as possible, we will be buying from small, local businesses and encouraging our guests to do the same. and so on, and so forth - we'll talk details as they arise.

i swear i'm not just here to bitch, and i'm definitely not here to lecture. i'm hoping that this blog will become a useful resource for other vegan couples who are also trying to find this information, or for anyone looking into doing any kind of event with ethical guidelines. as much as possible, i'll be talking about specific venues, caterers, and other wedding vendors that help (or refuse to help) us make our perfect wedding day become a reality. i'll also be doing fun crafty sorts of things like making my centerpieces and learning how to make cufflinks with resin... and i'll show you all the gory details, won't that be the funnest. if you have tips or questions for us, please pipe up! we won't be having what you'd call a traditional wedding; it'll definitely fall under the category of diy. any input and ideas along the way can be helpful. with any luck, we'll be able to throw a gorgeous party and not lose our minds in the process!