Sunday, October 18, 2009

How did I *not* expect it?

I guess that I'd just taken it for granted that when the save the dates arrived, people would be excited. It wasn't until Friday evening, when I was expecting that they would begin arriving, that it occurred to me that people might, uh, not be. Might say, oh, yeah, and throw it into the pile on the end table with the rest of the mail.

There are, like, four people who are actually excited about this wedding that we're not related to. Hell, even the parents got the damn things and didn't bother to call. So can somebody please tell me why I'm having a wedding? It's certainly not for us. For the moms, I guess? And because when you plan a wedding at your parents' house, it becomes much more difficult to cancel.

I haven't felt this crappy about the wedding since we "announced" our engagement. To this day, we have yet to receive a single congratulatory card. Not even from our parents. About 8 of the approximately 10 times we've even heard the word congratulations, it has come from strangers trying to sell us things.

So fine. No one cares. No one cared when we told them we were engaged, and no one cares now that the wedding date is official, letterpressed on heavy cotton cardstock delivered to their doors. You know what the best part is? I feel like it's my fault that no one cares. Because I've dated too many guys, because I'm too old, because I forced Jonathan into this whole mess anyway so it's hardly even real, because we're just having a party at my parents' house and not inviting people to the ceremony, because I talked about it all too much before any of it actually happened so no one was surprised by any of it. So somehow I'm stunned and hurt that no one cares, while simultaneously feeling that I don't deserve anything more.

Good god, how much do I NOT want to put any more time or effort or care or energy into planning an event that no one gives a fuck about coming to? It's embarrassing. It's like spending all day decorating for the birthday party that no one shows up to, times about a hundred... thousand. (And yeah, I've done that too.)

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Because it feels like shit to feel like no one cares that you're getting married. And you know what? If it was happening to you, you'd be feeling sorry for yourself too. Probably. Or at least you'd be in therapy like I am.


Anonymous said...

My dad doesn't give a shit that I got married. He still hasn't bothered to come and meet my husband. Same goes for my only surviving grandparent. I didn't have a wedding because we didn't have any money. We went to city hall, spent $164 and were married in our jeans and tshirts. How do I feel? Great! My marriage and my ceremony were about me and my husband, and if my dad or anyone else wants to act like a dick about it, then fuck 'em! So what if no one is excited about your wedding? YOU are, and your fiance is, and that's what counts.

melissa bastian. said...

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I'm sorry your family are being jerks, and good for you for not letting them get to you.

And... I know it, I know it, I know it. I know that Jonathan is happy about marrying me, and that is satisfaction and happiness on this whole other level.

This wedding thing is something else, something separate that's tapping into this whole gamut of crap that goes back to like the second grade - of feeling left out of social circles, of feeling like an outcast, of feeling like nothing I've ever done is good enough or important enough for people to take notice of.

It just hurts, and no matter how fulfilling my relationship is, it's not going to stop hurting. He unfortunately can't be my everything. I have spent a lot of my life trying to fill in the void that was left by not feeling good enough for my parents. It actually took a good amount of therapy for me to understand that I *shouldn't* try to fill that in with a guy! Ha.

So yes, you're absolutely right - the marriage is about us, and our love for each other, and our union as a more formally dedicated couple.

But the wedding, well, in my mind that's about celebrating with friends and family. If said friends and family don't give a rat's ass, well, there's not a whole lot of celebrating to do is there?

I really wish I could just call the whole wedding thing off right now, just do something with me and him and even leave the family out of it and screw everybody. This is not the first time I've felt this way (or the second, or the fifth...).

But I let my mom get involved, and it would BREAK HER if I stopped it now. Of course, to her the most important part is that she's having a fancy party at her house, not that I'm getting married... blegh. At this point I just want it to be over. Let the disappointment machine come to an end.

Anonymous said...

Long time reader of this blog, first time poster...

I just have to ask: Are your parents, fiancee, family, etc. aware of the existence of this blog? No offense, but if I were invited to your wedding (which, for the record, I am not) then read on your blog about how upset you were that people weren't more excited, I'd return the gift and cancel my plans to come.

When one invites people to your wedding, you're telling them that they're important to you and that their presence would be meaningful to you on your special day. If you have some other emotional agenda -- which you clearly do -- that's your problem, not theirs.

melissa bastian. said...

Well, first of all, no, it's only read by a very very few people at all, and the people who read it who are friends coming to the wedding already know about my emotional problems. And believe me - my fiance knows aaaaall about it.

And yes, when I invite people to the wedding I am saying that they are important to me - particularly because it's a pretty small wedding. So when they don't acknowledge either the engagement or the invite, I feel like they're telling me that I'm/we're not important to them, regardless of whether they're important to us. See? That's, uh, pretty much the whole problem.

Anyway, the issue of my emotional problems is one frequently discussed on this here blog. But I'm certainly not the only girl around who has wanted the people in her life to be excited about her wedding (or hurt when they don't seem to be). The only one of my neuroses really coming into play here is that I'm likely jumping to conclusions in saying that people aren't excited or happy for us or whatever.

I wouldn't call that having an ulterior "emotional agenda". I just have a lot of things in my past that affect my ability to judge situations with sanity.

Kim said...

Just to be fair, I don't think you called me to tell me how wonderful my save the dates were :) Unfortunately when you get mail you are inevitably doing something else (I was trying to corral my two furry children and feed them), so even though you think "oh that's a beautiful save the date I need to tell Melissa" - you can't at that moment and then...well life happens. Remember lack of communication doesn't always mean lack of love :)

melissa bastian. said...

Hiya Kimmy. I know. And I hope you read the posts that came after this one (after I regained some sanity) where I have exactly these realizations and gush about my good friends who love me... ;)

Kim said...

I did, and I know how you think :)

melissa bastian. said...

See, THIS is why you people can still be friends with me after more years than I'd care to mention of my nonsense. And why I'll spend a weekend jaunting to DC and back to be with you on important occasions... Because I wouldn't dream of not. Because you're my family that loves me no matter how much of a crackpot I become... even if you wanna shake me every now and then. :)