Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Slowly but surely I am loved... and not actually all that slowly.

So, as it turns out of course I was just being my jump-the-gun self. Have I gotten 51 enthusiastic responses to my 51 envelopes? Of course not; no one would, not even the most popular girl in the world I don't think. But what I have gotten is acknowledgment from my nearest and dearest - well from almost all of the girls anyway. Not from the boys, but can I really ask for miracles? The day a boy emails me about a piece of stationery, I will pass out with amazement.

Jonathan keeps telling me that people have lives, people are busy. Even if they are thrilled about our upcoming nuptials and delighted to be invited, and even if they have every intention of dropping a line, it doesn't mean it's going to happen. I keep thinking of all the times I have managed to say the nice thing about the thing that's happening that I want to recognize... but when I'm honest with myself, I also remember all the times that I haven't (but really meant to!). We all do this.

So really the question is not, why am I not good enough to deserve their love and attention. The question is, why isn't the love and attention of my core of friends, who have proved themselves true for years, enough for me? It certainly isn't for any lack of valuing them! They're the family I'm not related to. I would drop anything at any moment for any one of them - as most of them have done for me at one time or another. I consider myself lucky to have built this group, and if they were the only people to show up at the wedding from my part of the guest list I'd be in great company.

I'm telling you, I'm making a list for this week's session.

Monday, October 19, 2009

re: my weekend drama, further thoughts.

An anonymous commenter pointed out something that I've thought of - that one of my wedding guests reading my ridiculous rantings here would likely not take too kindly to my complaining and nonsense. But he/she took it to a strange conclusion, stating that I might have, I don't know, weird emotional motives for inviting people to a wedding. Which I don't really think is the case... any more than it's arguable that weddings period are had for weird emotional motives.

Perhaps it's because this commenter doesn't know me, which luckily most of my guests do. Or perhaps it's because I don't explain myself too well when I get all wiley like that. Anyway, here is the majority of my response to that comment, which certainly has merit. I hope that it will shed a little more light on the subject.

* * *
...and yes, when I invite people to the wedding I am saying that they are important to me - particularly because it's a pretty small wedding. So when they don't acknowledge either the engagement or the invite, I feel like they're telling me that I'm/we're not important to them, regardless of whether they're important to us. See? That's, uh, pretty much the whole problem.

Anyway, the issue of my emotional problems is one frequently discussed on this here blog. But I'm certainly not the only girl around who has wanted the people in her life to be excited about her wedding (or hurt when they don't seem to be). The only one of my neuroses really coming into play here is that I'm likely jumping to conclusions in saying that people aren't excited or happy for us or whatever.

I wouldn't call that having an ulterior "emotional agenda". I just have a lot of things in my past that affect my ability to judge situations with sanity.
* * *

So maybe that makes a little more "sense", as much as any of it makes sense? I don't claim that I'm logical.

See, I think what happened here was that I let my self be unadulteratedly happy about wedding things for a minute - that is always extremely dangerous territory, both because I get way too pie-in-the-sky and because my brain begins to look for what's going to go wrong.

I'm telling you, I have a great psychotherapist. I'm not kidding. We do really good work every Thursday. This week will be major.

Slightly less melodramatic today.

I'm partly blaming the rain, and partly blaming the inconsistencies of the post office.

The rest of it is just me being a freakshow. And needing more therapy. But what else is new?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

How did I *not* expect it?

I guess that I'd just taken it for granted that when the save the dates arrived, people would be excited. It wasn't until Friday evening, when I was expecting that they would begin arriving, that it occurred to me that people might, uh, not be. Might say, oh, yeah, and throw it into the pile on the end table with the rest of the mail.

There are, like, four people who are actually excited about this wedding that we're not related to. Hell, even the parents got the damn things and didn't bother to call. So can somebody please tell me why I'm having a wedding? It's certainly not for us. For the moms, I guess? And because when you plan a wedding at your parents' house, it becomes much more difficult to cancel.

I haven't felt this crappy about the wedding since we "announced" our engagement. To this day, we have yet to receive a single congratulatory card. Not even from our parents. About 8 of the approximately 10 times we've even heard the word congratulations, it has come from strangers trying to sell us things.

So fine. No one cares. No one cared when we told them we were engaged, and no one cares now that the wedding date is official, letterpressed on heavy cotton cardstock delivered to their doors. You know what the best part is? I feel like it's my fault that no one cares. Because I've dated too many guys, because I'm too old, because I forced Jonathan into this whole mess anyway so it's hardly even real, because we're just having a party at my parents' house and not inviting people to the ceremony, because I talked about it all too much before any of it actually happened so no one was surprised by any of it. So somehow I'm stunned and hurt that no one cares, while simultaneously feeling that I don't deserve anything more.

Good god, how much do I NOT want to put any more time or effort or care or energy into planning an event that no one gives a fuck about coming to? It's embarrassing. It's like spending all day decorating for the birthday party that no one shows up to, times about a hundred... thousand. (And yeah, I've done that too.)

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Because it feels like shit to feel like no one cares that you're getting married. And you know what? If it was happening to you, you'd be feeling sorry for yourself too. Probably. Or at least you'd be in therapy like I am.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

STDs in the mail!!

Save the dates, that is. And most of them, that is. Yep, I finally got it done! And thank god. They sat there for freaking EVER. But when I come home from an 11 hour workday and there's still addresses to be gotten from my ma and dinner to be eaten and showers to be taken and VeganMoFo blogs to be written... eyeah. But it's done now, except for three to friends of mine right here in NYC whose addresses I just can't wrangle out of them for some reason. (I texted all of you people! Write me back already!)

So that's a big to do off of the list.

I tole you I ordered the shoes. I'll tell you more about it once we've picked fabric.

And the dress arrived yesterday... but there's a problem. It's a good thing I didn't leave it in the box until December like I was thinking about doing; when you unpack something two months after it shipped, you don't have much of a leg to stand on when you discover that it's damaged.

Le sigh. Ho hum.

Merrily we trudge along.

We took the all-but-three save the dates to the mailbox, and I looked at Jonathan. "Once we mail these, people will know," I said. "Yep, that's the plan," he said. "So you'll have to go through with it and marry me," I said. "Yes baby, I know," he said, laughing at me. I kissed him, and then we dropped 40 some odd envelopes into the mail.

Now, in a way that it wasn't before, now it is real.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Fine. So it doesn't make any sense.

But now I'm eagerly awaiting the dress. Yes, I know I'm slightly skitzo. Whatevs, like that's some kind of news. But they told me it's coming and now I want it! Plus there should be much less scary things in the box, like the pretty purse and the rehearsal dress dinner and matching bolero, et cetera, et cetera. Anyway, seems like there's a good chance it will be there when I get home from work today, whenever the frack that will be.

In other exciting news, I ordered shoes! They're from Hydra Heart. I don't actually know exatctly what they'll look like yet, because we have to pick a fabric - they'll be a sort of Asian-ish floral satin. I have to send her fabric swatches and we'll go from there. The swatches are in an envelope with no address or stamp.

Much like many of my save the dates.

Aarg.

It's not my fault! I've been busy! I worked 50 hours last week! And then on Saturday I couldn't do it because we were busy doing our engagement shoot with the amazing Sarah Tew. I was totally nervous about it, but as soon as we got going it was so much fun. We did it on the Highline, and I'm so happy we made that choice. It's so beautiful there.

More details on all of this later...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

OMG total panic.

OK, so I put in the dress order, right? And they were so nice, and they got my fax, and they called me up and were like, standard shipment time is three months from the date of order, so we have you set for a shipment date of December 15. Great! More than enough time to do whatever I gotta with it.

OK.

So why did I just get a UPS shipment notification?! That says that I'm supposed to get a package by MONDAY??!!!

At this point you may be wondering why I'm upset about this. Um. I hope you're not looking for some kind of logical, rational answer. (If you are you're most definitely about to be disappointed.) See... I'm not ready to deal with the dress yet! Where the hell am I going to put it? Do I try it on? I haven't ordered the shoes or the crinoline yet! I'm going to be writing summary judgment oppositions at work until Thanksgiving... seriously, I do not have time do deal with this. Until December! December was perfect! And now they've gone and made my dress in three weeks instead of three months. What the hell?!

Jonathan is convinced that this is not a problem. He's all, it would only be a problem if the dress was late. What does he know? He's Mr. Along-For-The-Ride on this thing. He hasn't even started looking at suits yet. Is he the one trying to get all the save the dates addressed and mailed out? No. Aaaggghhh.

I think if I had gotten this email while I was out and about, I may have actually had a panic attack.

Maybe a smartphone isn't such a good idea for me after all.