Friday, April 17, 2009

Yeah, I'm that stupid.

I'm starting to have wedding-like thoughts again. He still says we're engaged, though he hasn't brought himself to propose in his own way yet and I'm still not wearing the ring or any ring.

It's all just so damn complicated.

But finding out that New Orleans now has an all vegetarian restaurant with lots of vegan options, and reading a book about Louisiana, makes me long to try to have a wedding there... I dreamed of it for so long. In the sculpture garden next to NOMA, or hell, anywhere else in City Park for that matter, under the huge live oaks full of spanish moss and tiny white lights twinkling everywhere...

I know.

I know.

I know.

But I just can't help it. Damnit, I just can't help it.

4 comments:

Found in Yonkers said...

Here is a link to some vegan restaurants in New York City: http://supervegan.com/restaurants.php

Vegan wedding cakes: http://vegetarian.about.com/od/veganweddingcakes/qt/cakenewyork.htm

^_^

melissa bastian. said...

Hi Found in Yonkers. That's very sweet, but I've done been down that road and back.

SuperVegan is totally rad though; it's run by a couple of friends of mine.

Nerdiah said...

Sorry, you're right, my question was a bit vague. I mean, you seem to be taking it much more seriously than one might expect from an alternative type of person (well, I don't know you personally obviously, and I'm making some assumptions about your other beliefs there based on you being vegan - I hope I'm not being too presumptuous). You obviously want it to be consistent with your values - ethical, environmentally aware, etc. - but wouldn't the simplest way to do that be to have the most minimal wedding possible? So obviously there's something else going on as well.

Maybe I'll ask it differently: if you had to a word-association with the phrase "being married", listing 10 positive words and associations as quickly as possible, what would you come up with?

melissa bastian. said...

Aha! But therein lies the rub, oh mysterious Nerdiah. A *wedding* and a *marriage* are two separate things entirely. And honestly, there's WAY more issues with the wedding part than the marriage part. Out of a marriage, I know what I want, and I think it's all pretty "normal" and "healthy". I want a partnership, I want a companion, I want someone to share the events of my day (good and bad) with, I want to support and to be supported in every way imaginable in a constantly exchanged flow. (That probably wasn't 10, and it definitely wasn't individual words, but then I'm bad at word association. :) And none of that has anything to do with whether or not I wear a fancy dress or have a cake or invite guests or have a ring. That is all just the relationship between me and him, and can happen with or without any title, legal, religious, or otherwise.

A WEDDING though, oh, that brings in all sorts of other things, many of them deep rooted, quite UNhealthy, and dating back to childhood. It has to do with proving to the world that someone actually thinks I'm worth it, looking pretty and girly in front of people (for once), getting people to show up to my party (for once), having a celebration for ME (sixteenth birthday party? what sixteenth birthday party??), pretending I have a family that can behave like a family... oh, it's all just a huge hornet's nest.

See, this is why I'm in therapy.

And yeah, you're totally on target, any wedding that I would have would be very non-"traditional". No white dress, no member of the clergy officiating, no being "given away", and so on and so forth. I would love to not need to rent a hall or get a caterer to have a "real" wedding, as opposed to going down to city hall and then going out to dinner. I would love to get married in someone's back yard. But, do I know anyone who owns a house who would actually let me use it? No. This then leads back into the hornet's nest above, wherein I start feeling VERY sorry for myself and decide that I don't have the social status of a person who GETS to have a "real" wedding, so then I start pretending I don't want one... but then of course I want one for all the wrong reasons. But what are the right reasons to want such a self indulgent affair? Oh, it's a big, big mess alright.