Thursday, December 31, 2009

A time for reflection - ooh, goody! Reviewing this year, looking forward to next.

This is not the wedding update you've been looking for. I really want to give you one, I swear! And I hope to, maybe this weekend even. But maybe this'll help explain why I've been such an absentee blogger...

* * *

Here we are, then, on the eve. I'm home from work with a migraine, and while the head pain waxes and wanes the nausea is a constant, punctuated by the sharp shots of a sciatica flare-up. Snow is falling outside - the second real fall this December - and I won't go out for fear of falling. Ah, life.

I am sad to say that this year has been one largely defined by my health, or really, the problems therewith. Perhaps my body knows it's actually in its thirties now; maybe that's why my condition has taken such a dramatic nosedive. I cannot do what I could do a year ago. That's an odd thing to have to say - in my mind I still feel young.

Even so, I want to say that good things have happened this year. I just have to dig them out is all. They're not big and flashy. They're more the kind of thing you learn to appreciate because it's foolish to take them for granted.

For one, Jonathan and I moved. And while the move itself was difficult, overall it's been a good thing. It strengthened our relationship and gave us a more comfortable living space. It let me have a christmas tree! It's much more quiet here, which makes it easier for me to rest when I need to. And since we're now on the second floor, and in a house instead of an apartment building, I feel much safer. These things have a real impact on quality of life.

For another, I managed to get through another year at the office. It's killing me, but it's important to our survival. Is that contradictory? We need the income, and heaven knows I need the health insurance. And the fact is that the longer I'm there and the more senior and indispensable I am, the more power I'll have to negotiate if I need to, say, work part time or go on medical leave.

Then there are the dozens of micro-achievements that make daily life worth living: the blog posts that people enjoyed, my work with the Vegan Etsy team, the couple of zines I've managed to write, the Etsy sales I've made and positive feedback I've received, the train rides I've taken and blogged about. There was some pure enjoyment as well: reconnecting and spending of time with cherished friends, visiting my former homes and actually taking a real vacation for once, and just exploring the city with my baby like we do. And, you know, the eating.

It's been a hard year for many people in my life, but always there are spots of hope. One of my dearest friends became a mother this year; at this very moment she is doubtless curled in the warm glowing love of her new baby girl, just two weeks old. It's good to know that such happiness still exists in the world. Another friend has gained an ever growing acknowledgment of her craft and design skills, each day getting a little closer to fulfilling her dream. Yet others will be a rock star, a professional photographer, and a famous author any minute now, despite it all. Maybe this is what my wildly diverse group of friends and I have in common: no matter what life throws at us we just continue to strive for... whatever the hell it is that we can't live without.

So, next year? 2010, the year sci-fi movies are made of? (Where is my jet pack? Where is my hovercraft? Where is my homicidal supercomputer?) It's hard to say. As of my doctor's appointment yesterday, I am coming off of the Savella. That will be a somewhat slow and possibly sickening process, but I'm trying not to psych myself out over it. Once I'm off of it... Well, I have some real fears. I began the medication because I was rapidly approaching real disability. Unfortunately, while it helped the fibro somewhat, the side effects have made it hurt more than help. So off of it, I really just don't know where I'll stand. (Or hell, if I'll be able to stand at all, ha.)

Once I'm weaned, we may try Cymbalta, another medication in the same class. It may help, it may not, it may make things worse. There's a lot of guesswork and wait-and-see in this process. It, um, sucks. But there's nothing for it but to keep trying, because I'm not just going to go, oh, OK, well I guess I just don't function anymore. That's not really my gig, you know?

Of course I'll keep up with the chiropractic and all of the other things I do as well. I've never once believed that medication is the complete answer.

2009 was the year I got worse; maybe 2010 is the year I get better.

And I'll keep writing. There is so much that I want to write. Maybe 2010 is when I get another short story published - hopefully somewhere where someone might actually read it this time. It's almost a sure thing that I'll be having some blurb-ey, short expositive writing bits published in the Zinester's Guide to NYC, scheduled to be put out by Microcosm this coming summer. Don't want to say it's definite, because who ever knows what'll happen, but let's say it's supposed to happen, and at least for that I'm excited.

Will I make visual art? Probably. I can't help it. I just comes sometimes, though not as often as I'd like. Meh.

And, oh yes, I'll get married. I'll be Mrs. Breedlove. I'll spend a day dashing around in a big blue dress, and at the end of it I'll have a husband; I'll be a wife. It's really an intriguing concept. I'm quite interested to see how it turns out.

It will be a year, composed of 365 individual days. I intend to do my best to make the most of each one - whatever my "best" might be on each of them. Because honestly, what the hell else would I do?

Saturday, November 14, 2009


Alright, after all of my nonsense last month, it's about time you heard some good news for a change. Which is that the flowers - they have arrived! (Yes, they're silk. Or should I say, "silk", because obviously they're not actually silk.) And this is the first thing that came right the first time! I am so psyched! Of course, I didn't order enough boutonnieres, but that shouldn't be a biggie. They're the smallest, least expensive thing - I'm pretty sure my lady will be able to crank out two more before March. Everything came from Fleur Rouge, a one woman company working out of California. She was super awesome to work with. She answered all of my questions quickly, has great prices, and even designed custom pieces for me to incorporate our wedding flowers!

Yeah, I'm excited about flowers. What of it?

When they weren't here after work yesterday, I resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't see them until Monday. But lo and behold, Saturday morning at 8am they show up! Go fig. And they're so pretty! They make me want to, I dunno, sit quietly and contemplate being a bride, or something? I finally understand those goofy closeups of the bouquet that you always see. I don't know if I get the shoe thing yet, but once I finally get my custom-made shoes, I'll probably want photos of those too, god help me.

I've been instructed by a good friend who possesses significantly more tact than I do that I should not go around posting photos of all of the pretty details. So I'm just gonna tease you with this little snippet. :P Don't worry, once this whole shebang is over, you are going to see more photos of this event than you have ever wanted to see of anything ever in your whole entire life... ever. Promise.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Slowly but surely I am loved... and not actually all that slowly.

So, as it turns out of course I was just being my jump-the-gun self. Have I gotten 51 enthusiastic responses to my 51 envelopes? Of course not; no one would, not even the most popular girl in the world I don't think. But what I have gotten is acknowledgment from my nearest and dearest - well from almost all of the girls anyway. Not from the boys, but can I really ask for miracles? The day a boy emails me about a piece of stationery, I will pass out with amazement.

Jonathan keeps telling me that people have lives, people are busy. Even if they are thrilled about our upcoming nuptials and delighted to be invited, and even if they have every intention of dropping a line, it doesn't mean it's going to happen. I keep thinking of all the times I have managed to say the nice thing about the thing that's happening that I want to recognize... but when I'm honest with myself, I also remember all the times that I haven't (but really meant to!). We all do this.

So really the question is not, why am I not good enough to deserve their love and attention. The question is, why isn't the love and attention of my core of friends, who have proved themselves true for years, enough for me? It certainly isn't for any lack of valuing them! They're the family I'm not related to. I would drop anything at any moment for any one of them - as most of them have done for me at one time or another. I consider myself lucky to have built this group, and if they were the only people to show up at the wedding from my part of the guest list I'd be in great company.

I'm telling you, I'm making a list for this week's session.

Monday, October 19, 2009

re: my weekend drama, further thoughts.

An anonymous commenter pointed out something that I've thought of - that one of my wedding guests reading my ridiculous rantings here would likely not take too kindly to my complaining and nonsense. But he/she took it to a strange conclusion, stating that I might have, I don't know, weird emotional motives for inviting people to a wedding. Which I don't really think is the case... any more than it's arguable that weddings period are had for weird emotional motives.

Perhaps it's because this commenter doesn't know me, which luckily most of my guests do. Or perhaps it's because I don't explain myself too well when I get all wiley like that. Anyway, here is the majority of my response to that comment, which certainly has merit. I hope that it will shed a little more light on the subject.

* * *
...and yes, when I invite people to the wedding I am saying that they are important to me - particularly because it's a pretty small wedding. So when they don't acknowledge either the engagement or the invite, I feel like they're telling me that I'm/we're not important to them, regardless of whether they're important to us. See? That's, uh, pretty much the whole problem.

Anyway, the issue of my emotional problems is one frequently discussed on this here blog. But I'm certainly not the only girl around who has wanted the people in her life to be excited about her wedding (or hurt when they don't seem to be). The only one of my neuroses really coming into play here is that I'm likely jumping to conclusions in saying that people aren't excited or happy for us or whatever.

I wouldn't call that having an ulterior "emotional agenda". I just have a lot of things in my past that affect my ability to judge situations with sanity.
* * *

So maybe that makes a little more "sense", as much as any of it makes sense? I don't claim that I'm logical.

See, I think what happened here was that I let my self be unadulteratedly happy about wedding things for a minute - that is always extremely dangerous territory, both because I get way too pie-in-the-sky and because my brain begins to look for what's going to go wrong.

I'm telling you, I have a great psychotherapist. I'm not kidding. We do really good work every Thursday. This week will be major.

Slightly less melodramatic today.

I'm partly blaming the rain, and partly blaming the inconsistencies of the post office.

The rest of it is just me being a freakshow. And needing more therapy. But what else is new?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

How did I *not* expect it?

I guess that I'd just taken it for granted that when the save the dates arrived, people would be excited. It wasn't until Friday evening, when I was expecting that they would begin arriving, that it occurred to me that people might, uh, not be. Might say, oh, yeah, and throw it into the pile on the end table with the rest of the mail.

There are, like, four people who are actually excited about this wedding that we're not related to. Hell, even the parents got the damn things and didn't bother to call. So can somebody please tell me why I'm having a wedding? It's certainly not for us. For the moms, I guess? And because when you plan a wedding at your parents' house, it becomes much more difficult to cancel.

I haven't felt this crappy about the wedding since we "announced" our engagement. To this day, we have yet to receive a single congratulatory card. Not even from our parents. About 8 of the approximately 10 times we've even heard the word congratulations, it has come from strangers trying to sell us things.

So fine. No one cares. No one cared when we told them we were engaged, and no one cares now that the wedding date is official, letterpressed on heavy cotton cardstock delivered to their doors. You know what the best part is? I feel like it's my fault that no one cares. Because I've dated too many guys, because I'm too old, because I forced Jonathan into this whole mess anyway so it's hardly even real, because we're just having a party at my parents' house and not inviting people to the ceremony, because I talked about it all too much before any of it actually happened so no one was surprised by any of it. So somehow I'm stunned and hurt that no one cares, while simultaneously feeling that I don't deserve anything more.

Good god, how much do I NOT want to put any more time or effort or care or energy into planning an event that no one gives a fuck about coming to? It's embarrassing. It's like spending all day decorating for the birthday party that no one shows up to, times about a hundred... thousand. (And yeah, I've done that too.)

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Because it feels like shit to feel like no one cares that you're getting married. And you know what? If it was happening to you, you'd be feeling sorry for yourself too. Probably. Or at least you'd be in therapy like I am.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

STDs in the mail!!

Save the dates, that is. And most of them, that is. Yep, I finally got it done! And thank god. They sat there for freaking EVER. But when I come home from an 11 hour workday and there's still addresses to be gotten from my ma and dinner to be eaten and showers to be taken and VeganMoFo blogs to be written... eyeah. But it's done now, except for three to friends of mine right here in NYC whose addresses I just can't wrangle out of them for some reason. (I texted all of you people! Write me back already!)

So that's a big to do off of the list.

I tole you I ordered the shoes. I'll tell you more about it once we've picked fabric.

And the dress arrived yesterday... but there's a problem. It's a good thing I didn't leave it in the box until December like I was thinking about doing; when you unpack something two months after it shipped, you don't have much of a leg to stand on when you discover that it's damaged.

Le sigh. Ho hum.

Merrily we trudge along.

We took the all-but-three save the dates to the mailbox, and I looked at Jonathan. "Once we mail these, people will know," I said. "Yep, that's the plan," he said. "So you'll have to go through with it and marry me," I said. "Yes baby, I know," he said, laughing at me. I kissed him, and then we dropped 40 some odd envelopes into the mail.

Now, in a way that it wasn't before, now it is real.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Fine. So it doesn't make any sense.

But now I'm eagerly awaiting the dress. Yes, I know I'm slightly skitzo. Whatevs, like that's some kind of news. But they told me it's coming and now I want it! Plus there should be much less scary things in the box, like the pretty purse and the rehearsal dress dinner and matching bolero, et cetera, et cetera. Anyway, seems like there's a good chance it will be there when I get home from work today, whenever the frack that will be.

In other exciting news, I ordered shoes! They're from Hydra Heart. I don't actually know exatctly what they'll look like yet, because we have to pick a fabric - they'll be a sort of Asian-ish floral satin. I have to send her fabric swatches and we'll go from there. The swatches are in an envelope with no address or stamp.

Much like many of my save the dates.


It's not my fault! I've been busy! I worked 50 hours last week! And then on Saturday I couldn't do it because we were busy doing our engagement shoot with the amazing Sarah Tew. I was totally nervous about it, but as soon as we got going it was so much fun. We did it on the Highline, and I'm so happy we made that choice. It's so beautiful there.

More details on all of this later...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

OMG total panic.

OK, so I put in the dress order, right? And they were so nice, and they got my fax, and they called me up and were like, standard shipment time is three months from the date of order, so we have you set for a shipment date of December 15. Great! More than enough time to do whatever I gotta with it.


So why did I just get a UPS shipment notification?! That says that I'm supposed to get a package by MONDAY??!!!

At this point you may be wondering why I'm upset about this. Um. I hope you're not looking for some kind of logical, rational answer. (If you are you're most definitely about to be disappointed.) See... I'm not ready to deal with the dress yet! Where the hell am I going to put it? Do I try it on? I haven't ordered the shoes or the crinoline yet! I'm going to be writing summary judgment oppositions at work until Thanksgiving... seriously, I do not have time do deal with this. Until December! December was perfect! And now they've gone and made my dress in three weeks instead of three months. What the hell?!

Jonathan is convinced that this is not a problem. He's all, it would only be a problem if the dress was late. What does he know? He's Mr. Along-For-The-Ride on this thing. He hasn't even started looking at suits yet. Is he the one trying to get all the save the dates addressed and mailed out? No. Aaaggghhh.

I think if I had gotten this email while I was out and about, I may have actually had a panic attack.

Maybe a smartphone isn't such a good idea for me after all.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Jonathan, you're not allowed to read this post. (I did it - I ordered The Dress!)

Alright, so after a year of obsessing on the internet and months of debating, it's done. The order is in. My wedding dress is ordered! It's something I was so anxious about before I found the dress I loved, but now that I've found it and ordered it I'm just so excited. Right now, the wedding is just under six months away. By the time the dress arrives, it will only be three months! And my bouquet should arrive in November... If my mother would ever get me the frickin' addresses, I could get the save the dates sent out... Yeah, it's happening now. It's really happening.

Anyway. About the dress. I'm totally psyched. For anyone who might care to know, it's Aria dress style #141. And in the satin, it's only $185. Most girls spend more than that on alterations! Hell, I may end up spending more than that on alterations. Hopefully not; I should just need a hem and a press. Their stuff fits me wonderfully. I know I showed you some pictures already, but you want to see them all, don't you? I thought you did. Just keep in mind that it will be a light blue dress with a cornflower sash. Use your imagination. You can do it.

This is when I'd first put it on. I was feeling a little awkward. But I warmed up to it pretty quickly.

The dress is an illusionist! It makes me look like I have a small waist! I'm telling you, it's like magic.

Just in case you're wondering? Yes, that IS a pocket. Totally awesome right?

Now, with the sash. They only had the navy pleated one, which is totally not what I'm getting.
Over-the-shoulder cheesy 70's pose anyone?

Yup, I gotta lotta hair. There's even more of it now.

Will the non-symmetry of these tattoos ever stop bothering me? Probably not. Suggestions anyone?

I need to order my petticoat. And my shoes!

OK, for color reference, something a little like this:

I mean, not quite, but maybe you get the idea?

Yeah, I'm in dress love. Totally weird right? Trust me, it would be if you knew me. Especially if you've known me for more than about five years - if you knew me back in the combat boots, septum ring, parts (or all) of my head shaved days. Big floofy dress with a petticoat? Even for a wedding, it's kind of like woah.

But whatever. I'm seriously excited! (Just, you know, in case you couldn't tell.) There are still a lot of things to take care of, and some of them are stressing me out. This dress is becoming my wedding happyplace. Every girl wants to be pretty on her wedding day - wants to feel pretty. And I think I will. In a way it's like having the proper armor with which to go into battle - not that I'm really thinking of the wedding as any kind of fight... maybe it's more like being properly prepared to enter unknown territory?

Jonathan and I will stand there, I in my dress and he in his suit, holding each other's hands and gaining strength from one another. And they'll take pictures. And in the end it won't even matter what we're wearing, we'll just be so damn happy to be with each other... and of course the champagne won't hurt. ;)

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Did I tell you we got a caterer?

(This was originally posted on the Vegan Etsy blog. But I realized that I had not shared the info with you fine people...)

A wedding should be a fun time for one and all, but I think most guests look forward to one thing in particular: drinking! Ha ha, kidding... sort of. What I really meant was, the food! Food becomes a focal point of many weddings, and every bride fears the dreaded "rubber chicken": food that has apparently been frozen and/or sat under heat lamps for too long so as to become an entirely wrong texture, which is basically edible but unappealing. (In the vegan world would this become rubber tofu?)

The wedding is now slated to be a fairly low key affair. The party, for which we need the food, is at my parents' house. And believe me people, it ain't a big house. We basically need platters of food spread out on my ma's dining room table, a (very) small staff to keep them full and looking pretty, and a bar out back - because people really do look forward to the drinking. OK fine, because I'M looking forward to the drinking. It's really not such a tall order. I could do it myself if I wasn't gonna be all busy getting married and everything. But I will, and taking on too many responsibilities for the big day is a sure recipe for disaster. Enter: the caterer.

Well, as I've mentioned before finding a vegan caterer even in New York City is a challenge. Now that we're having the wedding in New Orleans, we didn't even know if it would be possible. But that's just my defeatist inner child talking - anything is possible with a little determination.

I sent a few emails to various caterers in the NOLA area that I dug up on el internet, and got no response whatsoever - unprofessional much? I'll take a "sorry, we don't do vegan events" over dead silence any day. Thus, my hope was beginning to dwindle. But then along came Food Art. No, they hadn't done a vegan wedding or event before, but they were knowledgeable about what vegan meant which was a promising start, and more importantly they were willing to work with us to come up with a menu.

The first set of selections they sent us felt a little like a bunch of side dishes slapped together, and they had some novice questions such as "is pita bread vegan?" Well dear heaven I hope so - what the heck kind of pita bread are you buying if it isn't? But they were extremely communicative, great about answering our questions and listening to our suggestions, and in short time we'd worked out a menu that we found pleasing. So the communication was great - which is high on my list of importance with vendors - and the food sounded good, not to mention that the price was totally reasonable; all that was left was to taste it.

The week of August that we spent in New Orleans was busy, and the tasting with Food Art was probably the most important (and exciting) meeting on the list. Because food was only being prepared for the two of us we were only getting to taste about half of the items on our list, but that's fine; half is enough to give you an idea of whether a chef can cook. What we tasted went as follows:

*Tuscan grilled vegetables including zucchini, yellow squash, and eggplant, served at room temperature: Very tasty, nicely seasoned with herbs and grilled to perfection.

*Eggplant Capanata and Artichoke Hummus served with grilled pita and roasted cloves of garlic: Exactly as delish as it sounds.

*Eggplant curry with a variety of toppings: this was the clincher. I've never had anything like it, and let me tell you that I've eaten some curry. It was a very thick curry, not the runny kind. Simultaneously sweet and savory, with just enough spice that you knew it was spicy but tons of real flavor. I could eat this stuff all day long.

*Dessert: vegan blondie squares, and dates stuffed with nuts and rolled in coconut: The chef was so proud of his vegan baking expedition that he had to come right into the tasting room and talk to us about it. They were a little odd, and not how I would make a blondie, but a nice little sweet bit anyway. The dates are a classic, with the right amount of nut to set off the oh so sweet dried fruit - my mom loves these so she'll be thrilled.

You want to see the whole menu don't you? Yeah, I thought you did.
*Tuscan Grilled Vegetables
Including asparagus, zucchini, yellow squash, eggplant, green onions, fennel, carrots, mushrooms & sweet peppers (based on seasonal availability) all brushed with an herbed infused olive oil & served room temperature

*Grilled Pita Served with a trio of chilled spreads
to include roasted garlic cloves, classic eggplant capanata & homemade artichoke hummus

*Fresh Fruit Salad
with cantaloupe, pineapple, honeydew, strawberries & grapes (based on seasonal availability) tossed with a fresh mint & maple dressing

*Trio of Louisiana Tomatoes
Creole, yellow and pickled green served atop mixed greens finished with a Balsamic reduction and fresh basil

*Southern Style “Caviar”
Fresh black-eyed peas, green onion, sweet peppers, garlic & chopped jalapenos tossed with a maple syrup vinaigrette and served with tortilla chips for dipping

*Eggplant Curry
Made with coconut milk, green curry, Thai basil, and tender eggplant served with parslied rice and a selection of toppings to include crushed peanuts, shredded coconut, diced onion, mango salsa, diced pineapple and chopped cilantro

*Pasta Marigny with seared spinach, fresh artichokes, caramelized leeks and Roma tomatoes finished in a light tomato, olive oil and Chardonnay stock reduction accented with fresh basil and oregano
Hurrah! Tasting declared a success - we've found ourselves a caterer! As anyone who's planned an event knows, that is one major hurtle. There's still a long way to go between here and "finished", but at least the ducks are rowing. I can sleep a little more soundly knowing that our guests will get to eat!

Now, if we could just figure out a way to have a vegan wedding cake... working on it.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


I'm very particular when I address an envelope. I check and double check the recipient's house and apartment numbers, go over the spelling of the street (and city, if it's unfamiliar) three or four times. I check my own address a couple of times as well - just in case. I place the stamp carefully, squarely in the corner. If the envelope is at all heavy, I add extra postage.

Walking to the mail box, I check the envelope a few more times. Is it sealed? Are all the parts of the address really there? Did I remember postage? I do one (or two) more checks before I slip it in. Once I do, I check to make sure it really got in there and isn't caught halfway.

And then, a moment or a minute or ten minutes or half an hour later, I have a split second panic. Did I put the address?! Did I seal it?? Did I put postage on it!??

Heaven help me - heaven help us all - when I mail the invitations.

Monday, July 20, 2009

I'd call it "Say Yes to the Dress", but I hear that one's taken.

As I'm sure you've gathered if you're a regular reader, I spent the past weekend in Washington D.C. on a search for The Wedding Dress. Being my normal neurotic self, I became fairly hysterical about this prospect. My worries, as it turned out, were completely unfounded. My trip to the D.C. Aria boutique could not have been better - it may have been the best wedding dress shopping experience any American bride has ever had. (Have I mentioned that I never exaggerate?)

One of my close friends, dearest Kimmy, still lives in the metro area, and she accompanied me for moral support and the all-important second opinion. Arriving at the boutique, located in a townhouse just off Dupont Circle, we found a most inviting little space. Inside was its one inhabitant, our hostess for the appointment. We'll call her K. And that was it - us and her. Private appointment. Totally amazing, right? Sort of the antithesis of David's.

I had expected it to be more like Simple Sihlouettes in Manhattan, where we'd checked out bridesmaid dresses for Kim's wedding a couple of years ago - a small boutique with several groups of girls there at once. Nope, this was total one on one service and total privacy. K was bubbly and helpful and utterly un-pushy throughout the visit. Basically, everything you don't get from the girls at a typical bridal salon. Of course, part of why I've liked this company from the start is that they don't deal with bridal salons. For an anxiety prone, body conscious person such as myself, this was the perfect dress shopping experience.

But anyway, enough praise for the Aria way. You want to see me in some dresses, right? Yes, I thought so. We'll start with a "before" shot - something to give you a baseline. Here's me in the street clothes I showed up in - utterly not fancydresslike.

Oh, things you should know. I was looking both for The Wedding Dress and for a dress for the rehearsal dinner and things like that. I don't really have nice dresses that fit me anymore - I actually lost my favorite one in the flood. (As that was almost four years ago, you can see how often I need them.) And I'll have at least that one other event happening that will require looking spiffed. With what I'm spending on a wedding dress, assuming it is coming from this place, why not get a couple of dresses that really fit? So we begin with, and actually focus on, dresses for the latter purpose. But keep in mind that pretty much all of their dresses can be ordered in full length.

Here we have dress number one. Kim thought I looked good in it, but frankly I think I look a little tubby. I also think I would have been doing a little show for anyone who happened to glance over at any time that I was leaning a bit, if you know what I mean. (And no, I don't consider that a good thing.) Somewhat cute I guess, but not for me I don't think. Oh, and about the heels? The only sample heels they had around were freaking four inches high. My left ankle's a bit bum right now, and after the first go I gave up on them.

Pinkest. Dress. EVAH! Fo reals, yo. This dress could work on somebody tiny I guess, but for me it was just blah... and pink.

I call this red one the boobiesack dress. It's like, here's my boobies! I've put them in little sacks for you! Kim and I agreed it looked dumb. Jonathan thinks it's juuuust fine. Depends on what you're going for, I guess.

Now, we're getting somewhere. This one I really like. It's got a 50s housewife thing going on - but in a good way. If I end up ordering it I'll probably have them add some length, making it a tea length sort of affair. But... what color?!

And this one's almost a definite. Kim and I both really and truly loved it. And it just so happened that they had it in the exact color of the fabric that I'd want it in - fern satin. Sadly, they had it one size too small. But you get the idea - here we don't have it zipped up all the way, so it fits pretty much how it would in the proper size but zipped up (I hope). I tried the size above what I should've had as well, and I was swimming in it! They really mean it when they say that this dress has "extra room".

Take me to the prom - now! This dress fit me unbelievably well. I mean, it was strapless! And it fit me at all! Not only did it not feel like it was going to fall down, but it was also quite comfortable. Alas, it was way too formal for rehearsal dinner type stuff, but not nearly enough to be a wedding dress. So somebody had better figure out what fancy soirée they're taking me to, because this dress is hot. Or is that me? Ha!

Alright people, now here we go. This is the big stuff, the real deal.

This here is what you call "the dress". You know. The big one. Literally, with the petticoat and all. This is the one I had big hopes for before the trip. And as it turns out, I look pretty great in it after all. (Is this where I should pull out the IMHO?) Of course, since they're marketing it as a wedding dress they only had it in white. So you'll have to use your imagination to see it in the cornflower with the horizon sash instead of the white with the dark blue sash. But I think you can do it. Especially since I've given you some visual aids a couple of pictures down.

Yeah, I gotta lotta hair at this point. That was the intention - I've been "growing it for the wedding" for well over a year now.

Yes ma, you can see my tattoos. What ever will the ladies at bridge club think?!

See? Blue! Such lovely blue. Matches my ring.

I'm thinking I'll go with a darker blue dress with a lighter blue sash, like this. But there's a possibility that I'll do the cornflower dress with an indigo sash - indigo being somewhere in the neighborhood of navy. And a vague, slight possibility that I'll go with a horizon dress with a cornflower sash. But I just don't feel like the horizon is enough color. I want COLOR! We shall see. I have time.

So there you have it, my Aria dress shopping experience. If you're looking for the kind of dresses they offer - simple classic styles at affordable prices in a range of fabrics and colors - then I highly recommend them! Even if you can't get to one of their locations, you can do their try on at home thing. The dresses are very true to size - I am a 12 and I wear a 12 in their dresses, not a 14 or a 16 like in so many brands. (Why, WHY do they all want to make brides feel enormous, as if they've blown up two or more sizes over night? It's just cruel!) The dresses that claim to have "extra room" really do, and the #171 empire babydoll likely needs to be ordered a full size smaller than your usual. (I really was swimming in a 12 in that one - it was shocking. I'll be ordering it in a 10.)

I still have to go dress shopping with my mom, which Kim thinks is a wretched idea but I think might be alright, particularly now that I have my safety dress. The dress that I know fits, that I know I could be really truly happy with. Because it's gorgeous, and makes me feel a little bit like a princess. Did I have that magical, mythical moment? I'm not so sure that I'm one of the girls that has those. What I know, though, is that after I took it off I wanted to put it back on, petticoat and all. That's gotta mean something, right?

I think it does.

At any rate, we're now much closer to having proper wedding armor. And now, I must figure out what to do about shoes...!

I'm absurd.

Absurd is my new word, mysteriously supplanting "ridiculous" for the time being. Anyway, dress shopping was fabulous. Aria is my new favorite company ever. Soon I plan to do a full post with many pictures of me in dresses, but for now I'll just say that the experience that I was terrified to have ended up being the most non-threatening, fun, exciting thing I've done yet for this wedding. Better than cake tasting. (Did you hear that people? At the cake tastings, I got to eat cake. And this was better.) So yeah, I still have to do the trip with my mom, that my dear old friend Kim thinks is the worst idea ever (and she's probly right). But I really truly doubt that I'll find anything I love more than what I found at Aria. Because I LOVE it! This girl might just make it to the proverbial chapel yet.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Terribly nervous.

I wasn't at all until yesterday. Then I started having mini panics about undergarments, and it's been all downhill since then. I've entertained thoughts like, people would be mad if I just called off the whole thing, right? I mean, I didn't go to prom because I couldn't find a dress, so...

This, however, is not prom.

Way, way more people will be looking at me, and many more pictures will be taken. Oh, the pictures.

Recall, now, that tomorrow morning I get on a train to go down to D.C. to try on dresses. Naturally I'm overreacting to this situation. (I've often been told that you only should do what you know how to do well.) But really, have I ever been a fancy dress girl? No. Do clothes tend to fit me well? No. Do I have any freaking idea how to do this? No!

But then, I want me a pretty dress. And... don't tell Jonathan, but I might want a yellow pretty dress. shhhhh.

Aarg. I'm sure it will be fine. It will be fine, right? I've got myself convinced that they won't have any dresses in my size. (Did you know that I'm actually Gigantor?) I'm convinced that they won't have any dresses in the fabrics that I want to look at. I'm convinced of many things, for no reason other than that I have some sort of biological need to psych myself out.

Seriously, it's a dress shop. How am I more intimidated by this than by the New York State Supreme Court?

Well, at the Court they've never made me take my clothes off. (Yet.)

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Long, LONG overdue update.

So, you may be interested to know that I am indeed wearing my ring. Yepper. Have been for a couple of weeks now - I'm just a big dumb jerk that never tells y'all anything anymore. (Or that works 50 hours a week - you decide. Of course, I'm stealing work time to write this.) So how, prey tell, did the glittery thing return, you ask? Well I'd already decided that there was no way I'd face my mother in August without it. So thank goodness he didn't make me just steal the damn thing off his desk.

No, he gave it back all on his own. It was on the first day of summer - or, I guess technically, the day before that. We had planned to go to the Mermaid Parade in Coney Island, which is where he had wanted to do it apparently. But up by us it was drizzling and dreary, and down there on the Brooklyn coast it was pouring rain punctuated with lightning strikes and thunder. So we decided to wander through the more gentle rains of Central Park instead.

We held hands beneath our umbrellas and watched brass animals dance around the clock of the zoo. (No ring.) We saw the clouds part to allow a momentary sunbeam to shine down upon the angel fountain on the plaza next to the boat pond. (No ring.) We had a makeshift picknic, huddled at the outdoor tables next to the little pool where sometimes fathers and sons can be found sailing elaborate toy sailboats, but that day only held disgruntled ducks. (No ring.) We wandered up to and through The Met, which has just re-opened it's Greek and Roman wing, bigger and better. (No ring.) And finally we straggled off to dinner at Gobo.

And then, suddenly, ring! He said to me, I really think you should have this back. I said to him, what does it mean? It means what it always meant. Which is? That I want to marry you. He asked if that made me happy. I told him that the ring was very sparkly and beautiful; that it was being a step closer to knowing that he actually wants me as his wife that makes me happy.

That's round about when the waiter brought champagne. (He had noticed the sparkly ring.)

So there ya go. We're plugging away on our New Orleans plans; I'm focusing on how to (vegan-ly) feed people at the moment. It's gonna happen. Really!

Yeah. It's really gonna happen - all of it.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

New post...

on the Vegan Etsy blog - part two in the "Vegan Wedding" saga.

Check it out.

Sunday, June 28, 2009


I have so many things to tell you. Like that I got my ring back. But today I'm tired, and a little sad, and I wrote a poem. Which is something I don't do very often. And it goes like this.

Forget me not
When you grow tired of me;
When dappled cheery sunlight falls to shadow,
And I am mixed instead among the ferns and stones.
Forget me not
When I grow weak and weary,
When bones groan more plaintively
Than Grandmother's rocking chair.
Forget me not
When my blue wedding dress has turned a
Faded yellow-gray,
When words stop pouring for pain of pointing pen.
Because "till death do us"
Means till the sweet, or bitter,

Sunday, May 31, 2009

And somehow, I'm still not wearing a ring.

Yeah, we're still planning a wedding in New Orleans. Jonathan doesn't seem to be heding away from this one; I think this is the right idea. I hope.

Plans are pretty much in full swing, actually, to the extent that this version of the wedding event this far out can be planned. My mother did really go out to the park last Tuesday and put down cash on the barrelhead to reserve us the Peristyle. I use the term "reserve" loosely, of course; it's not as if the park is going to do anything to indicate to anyone that the space is being used for an event on that given Saturday. It simply means that we have the right to tell people to scat should they get in the way, and that if they won't we can call park security... who will show up eventually, I'm sure.

We're looking at photographers, and we think we've settled on Marc Pagani Photography. This item is the biggest outlay by far, so we want someone really good. We'll probably actually be using his top associate, Scott Myers, rather than Marc himself.

I've redesigned the invitations, and I've been looking for printers. For whatever reason, the girl that I'd been using before has completely flaked on me. And truth be told, she was always a little bit flaky. Well, I'm not going to beg anyone to let me pay them a few hundred bucks, so the search began anew. I'm excited about the new potential printer I've found - she's a zine maker! Anyway, more on that if it evolves into a real deal.

As far as the save-the-dates, those of course have been redesigned as well. I've ordered a rubber stamp with the design; we'll see how that turns out. It may or may not be acceptable. Hopefully it is, and I can "print" them myself on the billions of 3.5" x 5" cards that I've already bought.

We've emailed a limo company in New Orleans; they never wrote back so I s'pose I'll have to call them. We want the '56 Bentley. Just for me and Jon, and just for us to arrive to the ceremony in and leave from the ceremony in... and maybe, just maybe, arrive to the party in, depending on price. Who knows; maybe it's worth it to have a driver for the day.

As far as food, there's only so much we can figure out ten months in advance. We're not having caterers, and we have a good idea of what restaurants we'd like to get trays of food from. The big things left to figure out are where we can get vegan dessert items, if we can get a vegan cake, and where to have lunch after the ceremony. These things will largely be addressed when we're in town in August.

So, uh, what's left? Well there's flowers. My mom cares about them, apparently. She wants to decorate the house. I told her power to ya; use ranunculus and dogwood, cuz those are our flowers. She asked about my bouquet, and I told her that I'd already ordered it - because it's silk. I think she tried to jump through the phone. "Silk!?" Yes mother dear, and what ever are the ladies at the country club to think? Why they'll be aghast, simply aghast...

And then there's the minister, or as Jon likes to say the preacher. The more I think about it the more I know that, since the ceremony will only involve the tiny group of us, it's not going to feel "real" to me if we don't have it done by a "real" minister. We've found one guy who will do it for about two hundred bucks. No problem, says I. I'm going to look around for a minute for other officiants though, just to see what's out there really.

Oh, and then there's the dress. I've got my eye on one from Aria - they finally started doing a ball gown style and it's just to die for. I may be heading down to DC in July to hit up the showroom and see how these dresses look on me, as opposed to the size zero models on the website. But I can't make any decisions, because I've promised mommy dearest that we'll go shopping together when I come down in August. Thankfully, my darling Monica may be coming to town at the same time and able to join us. Either way, I'm going to need a stiff drink afterward.

The rings? We been done havin' those. There's Jonathan's suit, but that's his deal. He'll worry about it when he sees fit.

So yeah, I guess that's the big stuff. There are, of course, a thousand and one details. Where will we set up food at my parents' house, and where will the guest book go? Oh, right, and what the hell am I doing for a guest book? I've got some ideas, but they haven't really gelled. And then, what about the out-of-towners? Gotta find a hotel to suggest. Can I get a good rate for them? Am I making gift baskets? Do I need to make map cards so they know how to get to the party?

The more I think about it, the more this doesn't feel like a small wedding at all. But then, is any wedding ever really small? I mean, it always ends up with two people getting married, right? Which if it's being done for any of the right reasons is always fairly huge.

I'm having a pessimistic day today, in general. So all I can think about the wedding is that I want more to be established, and that my hands are tied in having any more details set until the date is nearer. I'm also being utterly plagued by the feeling that, well, I've done this all before... and that it didn't go so well that time. Need I tell you that it's not a good feeling?

I keep having the urge to talk to my mom. I've been fighting it down, because she makes me feel worse about five times more often than she makes me feel better. Right now she's excited and happy about the wedding plans, and if I brought all this doubt and fear and frustration to her I feel like I'd just be tainting the well. My relationship with my parents is too fragile, not to mention too crucial to this event now, for me to risk it. But... but... she's my mom. If you can't talk about your wedding fears with your mom, who can you talk to? I guess this is why I have a therapist.

The stupid truth of all of this is that I shouldn't even be thinking about the wedding right now. I am quite limited in what more I decide for this thing, at least until our trip in August, on top of which I have approximately a million other things I should be paying attention to. Work is insane, both of my Etsy shops are languishing, and I just signed up to table at a zine fest in less than a month - not to mention that we haven't finished unpacking, we still need to buy furniture, and I haven't really addressed needing to move out of my studio and get it rented. And yet, I can't seem to put down the bridal fever. It's like a disease. Oddly, despite its level of complication, thinking about the wedding is easier than dealing with some other things that are going on.

And finally: green dress or blue dress? Please submit your vote via comments.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

How *do* two vegans get married? Apparently they do it in New Orleans.

Yeah, really. When they're us, anyway. Luckily for the world, very few people are quite as discombobulated as we are - it took us over a year to realize that we should just get hitched in the closest thing I have to a home town.

This does not seem to be yet another far fetched dream or pie in the sky plan on my part - I believe this one to be both fo-real and mutual - that is, both me and my intended feel that it's a good plan. And when it comes to weddings, believe me when I tell you that mutual really is the best way.

So what is this crazy new plan of ours? It's pretty simple - simple being another good feature of weddings, I've discovered. I believe I outlined it in my last post maybe. The two of us, our two sets of parents and my sister, our two witnesses, and possibly an official officiant will do a short ceremony somewhere in City Park. Where in City Park? We're hoping for the Peristyle; I'm sending my ma over there next week to try to secure it. The park staff is wildly unhelpful and you can't do pretty much anything over the phone or internet; you have to show up, money in hand in full, to reserve.

And what, you ask, is the Peristyle? My grandpa's band used to play for dances there, I used to call it the lion pavilion, and it looks like this.

It's a large structure bordered by water on one side, which makes it somewhat hard to get a good shot of. I'm going to try to get my own pictures when we go down in August. (Yeah, we're going to New Orleans in August - what of it?) But you get the idea. Big ol' pretty ol' neo-classical dancing pavilion, guarded by giant stone lions, built in 1907. In my opinion, freaking awesome. Rental for a whole day? $475 plus a refundable $100 trash deposit. A-yup.

So yeah. Short ceremony with very small intimate group hopefully at the peristyle (it has a roof!), definitely somewhere in the park; then the same small group will travel to a lunch/brunch type meal. Me and Jonathan are probably going to rent a fancy vintage limo! Yeah, like a Bentley or something. Because now we'll be in a city where we need cars, and how weird does it feel to get married and then drive yourselves away in a rental Toyota Corolla? Anti-climactic, no? So we'll probably hire us a fancy and/or schmancy car, just to take us to the ceremony, from the ceremony to the brunch, and then from there back to the hotel. We deserve a little frill, don't we?

Alright, so where will we have this lunch/brunch? Here comes the first in what is sure to be a very long line of "what the hell are the vegans to eat in the city of meat and seafood" questions. Yes, there is now an all-vegetarian restaurant in New Orleans. Will it still be open next March? Well, I definitely hope so. Can I plan on it? Probably not. No offense to them; just that restaurants flicker in and out faster than lightbulbs in that town. I'm also not sure what the place is like, or whether they can even seat a group of ten. I know the space, and it's somewhat small and convoluted.

It will likely end up being a situation where we convince some very-non-vegetarian restaurant ahead of time that it's worth making two vegan meals for the party of ten. Fun! Will I try to convince them to make us all a special vegan (or at least vegetarian) brunch? Yes, yes I will. Let's just say I'm not holding my breath.

Then we, uh, rest. Jonathan and I will need some quality time to ourselves to digest the whole "we're now husband and wife" thing... and to be the hell away from our parents. There's a threshold, you know. I'll likely also need a minute out of my fancy dress and shoes. Because yes, there will be fancy dress. And yes, there will be fancy shoes. And yes, I'll choose the most comfortable of these items that I can that still allow me to look fabulous. And no, it won't make a damn bit of difference, because heels are heels, and after about two hours you have to take those f*ckers off!

And then, in the eveningtime, the party. Before I discussed this plan with my parents yesterday, I'd been possessed with an idea that truly surprised me when I had it: to have the party at their house. For those of you who don't know me, you just have no concept of how weird that is. Just trust me, we're talking twilight zone, outer limits stuff here. Well, when I got on the phone with mama yesterday morning she suggested it before I could even ask. (Whew.) So it will be - party at the folks'.

This will not be any kind of huge party. It's just so that we can invite some friends, and my mom can invite some family (and some friends). For this portion of the day, food will be much easier to control. We won't be doing any kind of sit down dinner - there will be plenty of food, but just trays of it everywhere. For that, we really hope the vegetarian restaurant is still open and still offering catering trays! We'll probably also get some nice bits from Mona's, my favorite middle eastern restaurant in the world. Best babaganouj and grape leaves evah, here I come.

The main problem we run into is dessert - the only possibilities for vegan baked goods are 1) Whole Foods or 2) baking them ourselves. I may enlist my darling friends Thomas and Roseann to attempt the latter with some awesome cupcakes; both have shown some success in that realm. And I can probably get some awesome cookies ordered from various Vegan Etsy team members. Cake, though, is another matter. I don't want to tie myself into doing anything that involved or time-intensive as I'll be rather busy and stressed. I'm also not thrilled about the idea of supporting Whole Foods - part of why I'm excited about the New Orleans plan is that I love the idea of putting some money into the local businesses there. But there's still plenty of time to decide what to do; we can always explore options during the August visit.

So, anyway, we'll decorate my parents' backyard will all that crap I'd already bought to decorate The Foundry with - I have string lights and votive candles galore. It's a gorgeous backyard - it doesn't need much help. My mom has a friend who apparently knows about florals - I've told her my flowers are ranunculus and dogwood. Dogwood, yes, is the new wedding flower - a nod to Jonathan's Virginia-ness, and the fact that I love them (and have them tattooed all over me). Mom doesn't know about the tattoos yet. She'll find out soon enough.

And that's it. A ceremony, a brunch, a party. A wedding day. Depending on various factors like the hotel we stay in, what we decide about what to wear, how much liquor we decide we need, and so on, the total bill will fall somewhere between $5 and $10k, and my parents are so damn excited that we've decided to do it on their turf that it sounds like they'll be footing the majority. We haven't broken it to Jon's parents yet; they're actually not in the country at the moment. We think they'll be happy though; New Orleans is much more their pace than New York is, and I don't think they understood the money we were looking at trying to do things here. They'll just be happing that we're really for truly doing it - a point that was a bit fuzzy for a while there, to say the least.

It's all so much more reasonable and so much less stressful than what we'd tried to do here in NYC. I love this town, but damn, it ain't cheap. I'd love to do something this small and laid back here, but it's not really feasible in a place with no family, no friends that own houses, no nothing. This is more or less "plan 2", the Central Park plus dinner plan, plus a nice party for us. It's the 'nice party' part that makes it feel like a real event, and the part that we couldn't swing here without a very significant layout.

We're excited about the new plan. Yep, we. As in both of us. I called my parents and told them all about it because Jonathan told me to. How ya like that? (I like it plenty.) Until I started thinking of a New Orleans wedding, I had no idea how meaningful it would be to me. But once I allowed the possibility, it was as if the flood gates had been opened. (Pardon the pun, but hey, I'm allowed.) The best part? We get to keep the old date, good ol' March 20th, 2010, the vernal equinox - which means we can still used the match boxes we had printed! This, also, is something that Jonathan figured out. I do love that boy so.

Someone on our block plays piano, and someone on our block apparently plays clarinet. It may or may not be the same someone. I'm not talking kids practicing here; I'm talking about professional adult playing. I turned off my music so as to better listen to the clarinet practicing "flight of the bumble bee" that's going on this evening. This is what has replaced the karaoke parties and endless child's practice on the recorder of "hot cross buns" from our old building.

Yes loves, things are good.

But ah, life it is the unpredictableness. So I'll evoke my old plea: keep your fingers crossed for us?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Maybe I'm... *not* stupid?

And we plod along in our doofy way. We've successfully moved into the much larger new apartment. We're nowhere near finished unpacking - we actually can't finish unpacking until we buy some new furniture. Two whole rooms of the new place remain unfurnished! It's kind of ridiculous. And then there's the issue of my studio, which I can't even begin to contemplate. Blegh.

Last weekend was our anniversary. At which point I thought I was going to get my ring back... and didn't. Honestly, we're just terrible at this. It was a mess of miscommunication. It seems like if I don't tell him exactly how and what and where, he's paralyzed. But if I do, it's miserable for him and then for both of us. So then what? But I'm so bad at waiting.

So you wanna hear the really funny part? Of course you do. We're talking about a wedding again. And we're talking about having it in New Orleans. A-yup. It's actually the most practical plan we've come up with yet. And I don't mean we're talking about it as in I'm trying to convince him; I mean he really thinks it's a good idea!

It would be a simple, day-long affair: late morning ceremony in the park, involving about ten people (us, the parents, the witnesses, my sister, possibly an officiant if we can't get my sis registered); then brunch/lunch with the same ten people. Then, in the evening after resting, a party for a larger audience - extended family and a larger group of friends.

And I'm really excited about it. I'm scared to be excited about it, of course. (The word would actually be terrified.) It will have to be solidly the plan for at least a month or two before I believe it's really happening, and even then I'll be skeptical. How could I not be, at this point? This is plan three. Maybe third time's the charm?

Friday, April 17, 2009

Yeah, I'm that stupid.

I'm starting to have wedding-like thoughts again. He still says we're engaged, though he hasn't brought himself to propose in his own way yet and I'm still not wearing the ring or any ring.

It's all just so damn complicated.

But finding out that New Orleans now has an all vegetarian restaurant with lots of vegan options, and reading a book about Louisiana, makes me long to try to have a wedding there... I dreamed of it for so long. In the sculpture garden next to NOMA, or hell, anywhere else in City Park for that matter, under the huge live oaks full of spanish moss and tiny white lights twinkling everywhere...

I know.

I know.

I know.

But I just can't help it. Damnit, I just can't help it.

Friday, March 13, 2009


Today I wrote to the company that made the engagement ring, to see if maybe it can be returned for a partial refund.

I don't know how much longer I can wait for him.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Office = torture.

I work in an office full of young people establishing their lives. And what does that translate to in the genre of engagements and weddings? Well let's see. One paralegal just moved in with her longtime boyfriend, one of the attorneys is ring shopping and dragging every woman in the office in for opinions because he's so damn nervous about picking the right ring, and two other paralegals (who are both gorgeous, and are good friends) have gotten engaged in the past two months. There's also the attorney who sits directly across the hall from me who's now four going on five month preggers.

Yes, I'm surrounded by happy and prosperous people, whose lives are proceeding beautifully, whose relationships are keeping pace. They parade around showing off sparkly rings and bulging bellies and smiling faces, trading anecdotes and war stories about finding the perfect dress, tasting cake, debating baby names, worrying about where to buy a co-op, picking out the perfect invitations and announcements. And they all deserve to be happy, and it's great for them.

And every time I have to listen to it I want to hide in the bathroom and cry.

But of course, there's no privacy in the bathroom. Three stalls for thirty women? It never stays cleared for long.

The fact is that I've only lost something that I never had. And I can't figure out why that is so often the case in my life. Maybe I'm just that thoroughly delusional.

Today at lunch the two affianced girls were talking about their upcoming engagement parties. And first I thought, yeah, I'm not engaged anymore. And they I remembered, no one was going to throw us an engagement party anyway. I know that sounds like I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and I probably am, but it doesn't change the fact. There only would have been an engagement party if we'd thrown it for ourselves, and - really? Let's be honest - if I'd thrown it. It wasn't going to come from our family or friends - that encompasses a group of people who didn't actually find it necessary to even send a note. Hell, several of them didn't even say congratulations.

I, of course, am blaming myself for that. It's because I got engaged "wrong". Because I talked about it too much beforehand, or announced it improperly. And then the darker side of my brain chimes in: no, it's just because they knew it wasn't real. How could it have been? You're not the kind of girl these things happen to.

What I wish most of all at this point is that I could be different. Because I'm beginning to think that the only answer is to stop wanting all of this.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Maybe I should just face the fact that I'm probably not getting married.

Not to Jonathan, and not to anyone else. Maybe I was so afraid that I created a self-fulfilling prophesy. Or maybe I've just been right all these years. But either way, I just don't believe that it's actually going to happen.

Why not? Well let's see. I'm 31 years old, and the only time I've even gotten close to believing it could happen was when I twisted Jonathan's arm so tightly that I damn near broke it. And where is that situation now? Well let's see. We've given up the venue, canceled the invitations, scrapped the idea of having any kind of celebration for it, and I'm no longer wearing an engagement ring. Uh... yeah. Call me a skeptic, but I just don't think I'm becoming a Mrs. anything any time soon.

No, not a wife. Just a burden and a laughing stock. Something to pity, perhaps, or to scoff at.

Who was I ever kidding? I barely ever even fooled myself. Talk about wishful thinking.