Saturday, July 19, 2008

Why hasn't she been writing?

Well, there hasn't been anything to write about. I haven't been working on the wedding. And the longer I don't work on it, the more futile it seems.

Thing is, I no longer know why I wanted to have a wedding in the first place. Or rather, I do know. But the reasons are based on one big fat fallacy: mainly that anyone gives a shit. Oddly enough, when you spend $25,000 on a huge party and provide people with as much food and liquor as they can stand, they show up. But why? Would they be coming because they're just so utterly filled with joy at our happiness?

In a word, no. They'd be coming for the free food and booze. The marriage part would get an "oh, isn't that nice, but I'm not married yet / I'm not happy in my marriage, so I'll probably just use it as an excuse to be bitter" between servings of stuffed mushrooms and champagne. And why, exactly, should I bust my ass and stress myself out for the next year and a half, to enable that at my expense (in more ways than one)? Right now I'm pretty much feeling a big fat "no thanks".

Oh, I still want to get married. But getting married and having a wedding have only the most tangential of relationships. In summation, I've been throwing myself parties since I was 14 years old, because I'd figured out by then that no one was going to throw them for me. And you know what's all I've ever gotten out of any of them? A huge mess, a big bill, and an even bigger sense of worthlessness.

So you know what people? You don't care that I'm getting married? Fine. You are released. There's no wedding for you to feel obligated to show up to and then not dance at. Don't bother sending a present. It would probably be a piece of shit that we don't need anyway. And as for the "wedding party", who the hell was I kidding? As if I know anyone who'd expend the effort on me that it would take to be a bridesmaid. Ain't happenin'. I've always known this, but I deluded myself for a little while there.

City Hall, then dinner for the family, and a night at a fancy hotel. No, I won't be happy with it. But at least I won't be out thousands upon thousands of dollars and wondering why I'm being ignored at my own wedding, why all of my "friends" could care less about what's supposed to be one of the most important days of my life. That doesn't exactly spell bliss in my book, and I'm more than willing to bet that it's how any "wedding" of mine would turn out.

It's over. I'm done.

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