Thursday, June 5, 2008

Maybe it's stupid.

Ok, it's probably stupid. But I am, and have been, stressed about about wedding preparation. Now, as we know, the wedding is not until March of 2010. That is really almost two years away. Nevertheless, I feel a semi-desperate need to tackle every aspect of it. NOW. I've looked into dresses, searched for caterers and bakers, half-made my save-the-dates, worded the invitation (and considered at least four or five cardstocks and methods of printing), bought placecard holders and one wedding party gift (yes seriously), and we've already put a deposit on the venue.

And yet I'm still stressed about the fact that I haven't written the program yet, because I don't know exactly how the ceremony is going to play out. And I can't decide what to do about centerpieces - to have or have not? - this almost feels like a crisis. And what will I put in the gift bags that will go in the hotel rooms of out of town guests? And what about the baskets for the bathrooms at the reception site? I haven't even made the lists yet; I don't even have a list of the lists I need to make! I'M SO UNPREPARED!

And it goes on like that. I don't just want to be working on it; I want to be working on all of it all at one time, and I want it all to be finished RIGHT NOW.

All this, despite the fact that part of the reason we're going with a date so far in advance is so that I'll have time to do all of these things. Now, granted, this is just the way I am. With everything, always. I obsess, I organize, I micromanage, I excruciate over details. It gets to be a bit worse in this instance, since it's a much larger event than I'm usually a party to. I won't go so far as to say it's the most important day of my life, because how depressing would that be? What about the day that I finally get an exclusive show at a real gallery? What about the day that we adopt a child? But it is a day that I care about, one that many, many people will be witness to. And they'll all be looking at me. So I'm worried. But is this just me? Or does every bride do this? Do some enjoy the beginning and freak out just at the end? Or do we all freak out from the start?

Oh jesus, Bride. That word. It feels almost as weird to call myself a "bride" as it does to call myself an "artist". It just doesn't fit. Those words are for other people, people that fit into roles that can be defined and do things right and aren't weirdos. When we made the announcement to our parents over the weekend, my dad ordered champagne. Once it came and we all had glasses, my mother declared that the "father of the bride" should make a toast. I knew she was referring to my dad, but the bride? Who the hell was that? Oh. Right.

I'm assuming my insanity will continue its ebb and flow, its wax and wane. As far as I can tell its intensity is not linked to anything specific, save maybe how tired I am. I've read stories of "brides" who have really simple shindigs in their friends' backyards or whatever. Well, I don't know anyone with a backyard, and simple is not really my M.O. Freaking out, obsessing over minutiae, and making the impossible happen (and then having no one notice) - that's what I'm really good at. I'm pretty sure my darling knows what he's in for... Lord, give him strength.

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