Because the anxiety is constant and related to many other things, chief among which is that I still don't have a job (nor am I particularly looking for one) and the savings are basically gone. "But, didn't she have a plan when she quit her job?" you're thinking. "I though she said she'd be fine for months and months... how are the savings gone already?" And indeed, you would be correct. But that was before she realized that she'd be dropping a $4000 deposit this week, to get the whole venue problem out of the way right up front. That took a significant chunk of savings, and left her in a spot where she basically needs to find a job. NOW.
But as usual, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let's back up, shall we? Last Friday, May 16th, Jonathan and I were finally, blissfully, officially engaged. Now, we'd decided months back that the first thing we'd do once it was official was to firm up the venue, which meant putting down at least a 50% deposit. Granted, the wedding is still almost two years away, and even in New York things don't need to be booked that far in advance. But it's better to be safe than sorry, and every other arrangement stems from the venue, and we also felt that it's best to spread out the major spending as much as possible so as not to end up with $20k worth of expenses in a 6 month span or something equally as terrifying.
This being my understanding of our understanding, a day or two after the engagement was made official, I asked Jon about making the appointment to have a second look at The Foundry and giving them a shit-ton of our money. And that's when he says to me, "don't you think we should look at other venues?"
Now? Really? We looked at The Foundry in March and made these decisions in March, and this is occurring to you NOW?
I swallow back the small explosion going off in my head and say, sure, ok, what other venues would you like to go and look at. The response? "Oh, I don't know, I haven't found any other ones that I really want to go and see. I just feel like we should go and look at some other places."
Mmm hmm. Ok. Well.
I personally require a bit more effort than this. I told him that maybe he should spend some time on the internet on Monday and Tuesday nights searching around for possibilities. Lo and behold, when Wednesday came, the few stones that had been overturned revealed only enforced catering or empty white warehouse loft spaces in neighborhoods that we don't like... the exact same things that I had found in March when I spent exhaustive hours searching every venue listing in New York City.
Nevertheless, I spent Wednesday making that same search, again, and again finding the same unsuitable venues (a steakhouse in midtown starting at $35K? perfect for two vegans on a budget!). And after a bit of quibbling and cajoling and explaining and discussing on Wednesday evening, we came to the conclusion that there wasn't much point in spending time visiting venues that a) aren't any cheaper than what we've already found, and b) are in neighborhoods that we don't go to on purpose. Jon realized that he really does want to go with The Foundry; it simply felt wrong to him to choose it without spending more time on the duds. Like renting the first apartment you look at. I reminded him that we live in the first apartment that I looked at after moving to New York, and that I rented it 45 minutes after I first saw it. And it's an amazing apartment. Sometimes you just get it right the first time. And technically, we did go visit the Museum of the City of New York. We didn't get the spiel from their events coordinator, but since they don't provide anything it would have all been useless B.S. anyway.
And so, yesterday morning we went back to The Foundry, and it was just as beautiful as last time. The events manager there, who last time had struck me as chic and intimidating, this visit made me feel welcomed and was friendly and accommodating (doubtless a change in my mental state rather than in her behavior). This is the right space for us, and we're really excited about it. It's just stressing me the hell out because, while I'm glad to have one major detail and financial hit taken care of, it drained my savings to almost nothing. Which means I need to start saving again. Which means I need a job...
Last night we went to fancy dinner, and I got my fancy ring.
But you know what? I think that's for another post.