Slowly but surely I am loved... and not actually all that slowly.

So, as it turns out of course I was just being my jump-the-gun self. Have I gotten 51 enthusiastic responses to my 51 envelopes? Of course not; no one would, not even the most popular girl in the world I don't think. But what I have gotten is acknowledgment from my nearest and dearest - well from almost all of the girls anyway. Not from the boys, but can I really ask for miracles? The day a boy emails me about a piece of stationery, I will pass out with amazement.

Jonathan keeps telling me that people have lives, people are busy. Even if they are thrilled about our upcoming nuptials and delighted to be invited, and even if they have every intention of dropping a line, it doesn't mean it's going to happen. I keep thinking of all the times I have managed to say the nice thing about the thing that's happening that I want to recognize... but when I'm honest with myself, I also remember all the times that I haven't (but really meant to!). We all do this.

So really the question is not, why am I not good enough to deserve their love and attention. The question is, why isn't the love and attention of my core of friends, who have proved themselves true for years, enough for me? It certainly isn't for any lack of valuing them! They're the family I'm not related to. I would drop anything at any moment for any one of them - as most of them have done for me at one time or another. I consider myself lucky to have built this group, and if they were the only people to show up at the wedding from my part of the guest list I'd be in great company.

I'm telling you, I'm making a list for this week's session.

re: my weekend drama, further thoughts.

An anonymous commenter pointed out something that I've thought of - that one of my wedding guests reading my ridiculous rantings here would likely not take too kindly to my complaining and nonsense. But he/she took it to a strange conclusion, stating that I might have, I don't know, weird emotional motives for inviting people to a wedding. Which I don't really think is the case... any more than it's arguable that weddings period are had for weird emotional motives.

Perhaps it's because this commenter doesn't know me, which luckily most of my guests do. Or perhaps it's because I don't explain myself too well when I get all wiley like that. Anyway, here is the majority of my response to that comment, which certainly has merit. I hope that it will shed a little more light on the subject.

* * *

...and yes, when I invite people to the wedding I am saying that they are important to me - particularly because it's a pretty small wedding. So when they don't acknowledge either the engagement or the invite, I feel like they're telling me that I'm/we're not important to them, regardless of whether they're important to us. See? That's, uh, pretty much the whole problem.

Anyway, the issue of my emotional problems is one frequently discussed on this here blog. But I'm certainly not the only girl around who has wanted the people in her life to be excited about her wedding (or hurt when they don't seem to be). The only one of my neuroses really coming into play here is that I'm likely jumping to conclusions in saying that people aren't excited or happy for us or whatever.

I wouldn't call that having an ulterior "emotional agenda". I just have a lot of things in my past that affect my ability to judge situations with sanity.

* * *

So maybe that makes a little more "sense", as much as any of it makes sense? I don't claim that I'm logical.

See, I think what happened here was that I let my self be unadulteratedly happy about wedding things for a minute - that is always extremely dangerous territory, both because I get way too pie-in-the-sky and because my brain begins to look for what's going to go wrong.

I'm telling you, I have a great psychotherapist. I'm not kidding. We do really good work every Thursday. This week will be major.

Slightly less melodramatic today.

I'm partly blaming the rain, and partly blaming the inconsistencies of the post office.

The rest of it is just me being a freakshow. And needing more therapy. But what else is new?

How did I *not* expect it?

I guess that I'd just taken it for granted that when the save the dates arrived, people would be excited. It wasn't until Friday evening, when I was expecting that they would begin arriving, that it occurred to me that people might, uh, not be. Might say, oh, yeah, and throw it into the pile on the end table with the rest of the mail.

There are, like, four people who are actually excited about this wedding that we're not related to. Hell, even the parents got the damn things and didn't bother to call. So can somebody please tell me why I'm having a wedding? It's certainly not for us. For the moms, I guess? And because when you plan a wedding at your parents' house, it becomes much more difficult to cancel.

I haven't felt this crappy about the wedding since we "announced" our engagement. To this day, we have yet to receive a single congratulatory card. Not even from our parents. About 8 of the approximately 10 times we've even heard the word congratulations, it has come from strangers trying to sell us things.

So fine. No one cares. No one cared when we told them we were engaged, and no one cares now that the wedding date is official, letterpressed on heavy cotton cardstock delivered to their doors. You know what the best part is? I feel like it's my fault that no one cares. Because I've dated too many guys, because I'm too old, because I forced Jonathan into this whole mess anyway so it's hardly even real, because we're just having a party at my parents' house and not inviting people to the ceremony, because I talked about it all too much before any of it actually happened so no one was surprised by any of it. So somehow I'm stunned and hurt that no one cares, while simultaneously feeling that I don't deserve anything more.

Good god, how much do I NOT want to put any more time or effort or care or energy into planning an event that no one gives a fuck about coming to? It's embarrassing. It's like spending all day decorating for the birthday party that no one shows up to, times about a hundred... thousand. (And yeah, I've done that too.)

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Because it feels like shit to feel like no one cares that you're getting married. And you know what? If it was happening to you, you'd be feeling sorry for yourself too. Probably. Or at least you'd be in therapy like I am.

STDs in the mail!!

Save the dates, that is. And most of them, that is. Yep, I finally got it done! And thank god. They sat there for freaking EVER. But when I come home from an 11 hour workday and there's still addresses to be gotten from my ma and dinner to be eaten and showers to be taken and VeganMoFo blogs to be written... eyeah. But it's done now, except for three to friends of mine right here in NYC whose addresses I just can't wrangle out of them for some reason. (I texted all of you people! Write me back already!)

So that's a big to do off of the list.

I tole you I ordered the shoes. I'll tell you more about it once we've picked fabric.

And the dress arrived yesterday... but there's a problem. It's a good thing I didn't leave it in the box until December like I was thinking about doing; when you unpack something two months after it shipped, you don't have much of a leg to stand on when you discover that it's damaged.

Le sigh. Ho hum.

Merrily we trudge along.

We took the all-but-three save the dates to the mailbox, and I looked at Jonathan. "Once we mail these, people will know," I said. "Yep, that's the plan," he said. "So you'll have to go through with it and marry me," I said. "Yes baby, I know," he said, laughing at me. I kissed him, and then we dropped 40 some odd envelopes into the mail.

Now, in a way that it wasn't before, now it is real.

Fine. So it doesn't make any sense.

But now I'm eagerly awaiting the dress. Yes, I know I'm slightly skitzo. Whatevs, like that's some kind of news. But they told me it's coming and now I want it! Plus there should be much less scary things in the box, like the pretty purse and the rehearsal dress dinner and matching bolero, et cetera, et cetera. Anyway, seems like there's a good chance it will be there when I get home from work today, whenever the frack that will be.

In other exciting news, I ordered shoes! They're from Hydra Heart. I don't actually know exatctly what they'll look like yet, because we have to pick a fabric - they'll be a sort of Asian-ish floral satin. I have to send her fabric swatches and we'll go from there. The swatches are in an envelope with no address or stamp.

Much like many of my save the dates.

Aarg.

It's not my fault! I've been busy! I worked 50 hours last week! And then on Saturday I couldn't do it because we were busy doing our engagement shoot with the amazing Sarah Tew. I was totally nervous about it, but as soon as we got going it was so much fun. We did it on the Highline, and I'm so happy we made that choice. It's so beautiful there.

More details on all of this later...

OMG total panic.

OK, so I put in the dress order, right? And they were so nice, and they got my fax, and they called me up and were like, standard shipment time is three months from the date of order, so we have you set for a shipment date of December 15. Great! More than enough time to do whatever I gotta with it.

OK.

So why did I just get a UPS shipment notification?! That says that I'm supposed to get a package by MONDAY??!!!

At this point you may be wondering why I'm upset about this. Um. I hope you're not looking for some kind of logical, rational answer. (If you are you're most definitely about to be disappointed.) See... I'm not ready to deal with the dress yet! Where the hell am I going to put it? Do I try it on? I haven't ordered the shoes or the crinoline yet! I'm going to be writing summary judgment oppositions at work until Thanksgiving... seriously, I do not have time do deal with this. Until December! December was perfect! And now they've gone and made my dress in three weeks instead of three months. What the hell?!

Jonathan is convinced that this is not a problem. He's all, it would only be a problem if the dress was late. What does he know? He's Mr. Along-For-The-Ride on this thing. He hasn't even started looking at suits yet. Is he the one trying to get all the save the dates addressed and mailed out? No. Aaaggghhh.

I think if I had gotten this email while I was out and about, I may have actually had a panic attack.

Maybe a smartphone isn't such a good idea for me after all.

Jonathan, you're not allowed to read this post. (I did it - I ordered The Dress!)

Alright, so after a year of obsessing on the internet and months of debating, it's done. The order is in. My wedding dress is ordered! It's something I was so anxious about before I found the dress I loved, but now that I've found it and ordered it I'm just so excited. Right now, the wedding is just under six months away. By the time the dress arrives, it will only be three months! And my bouquet should arrive in November... If my mother would ever get me the frickin' addresses, I could get the save the dates sent out... Yeah, it's happening now. It's really happening.

Anyway. About the dress. I'm totally psyched. For anyone who might care to know, it's Aria dress style #141. And in the satin, it's only $185. Most girls spend more than that on alterations! Hell, I may end up spending more than that on alterations. Hopefully not; I should just need a hem and a press. Their stuff fits me wonderfully. I know I showed you some pictures already, but you want to see them all, don't you? I thought you did. Just keep in mind that it will be a light blue dress with a cornflower sash. Use your imagination. You can do it.


This is when I'd first put it on. I was feeling a little awkward. But I warmed up to it pretty quickly.

The dress is an illusionist! It makes me look like I have a small waist! I'm telling you, it's like magic.


Just in case you're wondering? Yes, that IS a pocket. Totally awesome right?


Now, with the sash. They only had the navy pleated one, which is totally not what I'm getting.
Over-the-shoulder cheesy 70's pose anyone?

Yup, I gotta lotta hair. There's even more of it now.

Will the non-symmetry of these tattoos ever stop bothering me? Probably not. Suggestions anyone?


I need to order my petticoat. And my shoes!


OK, for color reference, something a little like this:


I mean, not quite, but maybe you get the idea?

Yeah, I'm in dress love. Totally weird right? Trust me, it would be if you knew me. Especially if you've known me for more than about five years - if you knew me back in the combat boots, septum ring, parts (or all) of my head shaved days. Big floofy dress with a petticoat? Even for a wedding, it's kind of like woah.

But whatever. I'm seriously excited! (Just, you know, in case you couldn't tell.) There are still a lot of things to take care of, and some of them are stressing me out. This dress is becoming my wedding happyplace. Every girl wants to be pretty on her wedding day - wants to feel pretty. And I think I will. In a way it's like having the proper armor with which to go into battle - not that I'm really thinking of the wedding as any kind of fight... maybe it's more like being properly prepared to enter unknown territory?

Jonathan and I will stand there, I in my dress and he in his suit, holding each other's hands and gaining strength from one another. And they'll take pictures. And in the end it won't even matter what we're wearing, we'll just be so damn happy to be with each other... and of course the champagne won't hurt. ;)

Did I tell you we got a caterer?

(This was originally posted on the Vegan Etsy blog. But I realized that I had not shared the info with you fine people...)

A wedding should be a fun time for one and all, but I think most guests look forward to one thing in particular: drinking! Ha ha, kidding... sort of. What I really meant was, the food! Food becomes a focal point of many weddings, and every bride fears the dreaded "rubber chicken": food that has apparently been frozen and/or sat under heat lamps for too long so as to become an entirely wrong texture, which is basically edible but unappealing. (In the vegan world would this become rubber tofu?)

The wedding is now slated to be a fairly low key affair. The party, for which we need the food, is at my parents' house. And believe me people, it ain't a big house. We basically need platters of food spread out on my ma's dining room table, a (very) small staff to keep them full and looking pretty, and a bar out back - because people really do look forward to the drinking. OK fine, because I'M looking forward to the drinking. It's really not such a tall order. I could do it myself if I wasn't gonna be all busy getting married and everything. But I will, and taking on too many responsibilities for the big day is a sure recipe for disaster. Enter: the caterer.

Well, as I've mentioned before finding a vegan caterer even in New York City is a challenge. Now that we're having the wedding in New Orleans, we didn't even know if it would be possible. But that's just my defeatist inner child talking - anything is possible with a little determination.

I sent a few emails to various caterers in the NOLA area that I dug up on el internet, and got no response whatsoever - unprofessional much? I'll take a "sorry, we don't do vegan events" over dead silence any day. Thus, my hope was beginning to dwindle. But then along came Food Art. No, they hadn't done a vegan wedding or event before, but they were knowledgeable about what vegan meant which was a promising start, and more importantly they were willing to work with us to come up with a menu.

The first set of selections they sent us felt a little like a bunch of side dishes slapped together, and they had some novice questions such as "is pita bread vegan?" Well dear heaven I hope so - what the heck kind of pita bread are you buying if it isn't? But they were extremely communicative, great about answering our questions and listening to our suggestions, and in short time we'd worked out a menu that we found pleasing. So the communication was great - which is high on my list of importance with vendors - and the food sounded good, not to mention that the price was totally reasonable; all that was left was to taste it.

The week of August that we spent in New Orleans was busy, and the tasting with Food Art was probably the most important (and exciting) meeting on the list. Because food was only being prepared for the two of us we were only getting to taste about half of the items on our list, but that's fine; half is enough to give you an idea of whether a chef can cook. What we tasted went as follows:

*Tuscan grilled vegetables including zucchini, yellow squash, and eggplant, served at room temperature: Very tasty, nicely seasoned with herbs and grilled to perfection.

*Eggplant Capanata and Artichoke Hummus served with grilled pita and roasted cloves of garlic: Exactly as delish as it sounds.

*Eggplant curry with a variety of toppings: this was the clincher. I've never had anything like it, and let me tell you that I've eaten some curry. It was a very thick curry, not the runny kind. Simultaneously sweet and savory, with just enough spice that you knew it was spicy but tons of real flavor. I could eat this stuff all day long.

*Dessert: vegan blondie squares, and dates stuffed with nuts and rolled in coconut: The chef was so proud of his vegan baking expedition that he had to come right into the tasting room and talk to us about it. They were a little odd, and not how I would make a blondie, but a nice little sweet bit anyway. The dates are a classic, with the right amount of nut to set off the oh so sweet dried fruit - my mom loves these so she'll be thrilled.

You want to see the whole menu don't you? Yeah, I thought you did.

*Tuscan Grilled Vegetables
Including asparagus, zucchini, yellow squash, eggplant, green onions, fennel, carrots, mushrooms & sweet peppers (based on seasonal availability) all brushed with an herbed infused olive oil & served room temperature

*Grilled Pita Served with a trio of chilled spreads
to include roasted garlic cloves, classic eggplant capanata & homemade artichoke hummus

*Fresh Fruit Salad
with cantaloupe, pineapple, honeydew, strawberries & grapes (based on seasonal availability) tossed with a fresh mint & maple dressing

*Trio of Louisiana Tomatoes
Creole, yellow and pickled green served atop mixed greens finished with a Balsamic reduction and fresh basil

*Southern Style “Caviar”
Fresh black-eyed peas, green onion, sweet peppers, garlic & chopped jalapenos tossed with a maple syrup vinaigrette and served with tortilla chips for dipping

*Eggplant Curry
Made with coconut milk, green curry, Thai basil, and tender eggplant served with parslied rice and a selection of toppings to include crushed peanuts, shredded coconut, diced onion, mango salsa, diced pineapple and chopped cilantro

*Pasta Marigny with seared spinach, fresh artichokes, caramelized leeks and Roma tomatoes finished in a light tomato, olive oil and Chardonnay stock reduction accented with fresh basil and oregano

Hurrah! Tasting declared a success - we've found ourselves a caterer! As anyone who's planned an event knows, that is one major hurtle. There's still a long way to go between here and "finished", but at least the ducks are rowing. I can sleep a little more soundly knowing that our guests will get to eat!

Now, if we could just figure out a way to have a vegan wedding cake... working on it.

Mail.

I'm very particular when I address an envelope. I check and double check the recipient's house and apartment numbers, go over the spelling of the street (and city, if it's unfamiliar) three or four times. I check my own address a couple of times as well - just in case. I place the stamp carefully, squarely in the corner. If the envelope is at all heavy, I add extra postage.

Walking to the mail box, I check the envelope a few more times. Is it sealed? Are all the parts of the address really there? Did I remember postage? I do one (or two) more checks before I slip it in. Once I do, I check to make sure it really got in there and isn't caught halfway.

And then, a moment or a minute or ten minutes or half an hour later, I have a split second panic. Did I put the address?! Did I seal it?? Did I put postage on it!??

Heaven help me - heaven help us all - when I mail the invitations.